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Thread: Is different culture/religion an issue?

  1. #1

    Is different culture/religion an issue?

    A year ago I went to a different country for a business trip, there I met an absolutely amazing guy who was also there for business. We spent a lot of time together and both ended up falling in love. We did the long distance thing and it was working pretty well. Even though we had a 5h time zone difference he would find time to call me and I did my best too. I went to SE Asia where he's living now to visit him and it was the trip of a lifetime, we both enjoyed it and our feelings only grew stronger. We knew that we come from totally different parts of the world, but both confirmed it does not matter as long as we get along well. Then after a few months my bf went home to visit his parents, while being in his native country he told them about our relationship. Unfortunately it did not go too well and the parents disapproved of our relationship. I think my bf felt safe to tell them about us because during calls his mom kept saying that it does not matter where your gf is from, we just want to know about her. Turns out both mom and dad were against us. After talking to his parents he pulled back on me, I called him often, but seldom got a chance to talk to him. He kept himself busy. I'm sure it was a burden to keep in his heart as he could not tell me for 3 months. I am quite patient, so I kept myself busy as well. Now as I confronted him about ignoring me, at first he said he was busy (I know he really is because ha has a job, his own startup company and university assignments), but then confessed that parents did not approve of our relationship so it would not be fair to continue deceiving me so it has to end, that we are over... I feel so hurt but still willing to try my best in order to somehow smooth thing over, I'm sure that if his parents were to meet me or get to know me, they would change their opinion with time, as I am truly devoted to their son. I'm from N Europe and he's originally from Africa, but resides in SE Asia. I would very much appreciate advice on this, as being from Europe I might not understand the whole situation about approval from muslim parents. P.S. He did not know I told my mom about us, she said he's a handsome man and she would be ok with us being together. Also he did not ask if I would change my religion for us, but I had been thinking about it for quite a while and now I know I would convert as well as willing to relocate.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Family pressure is very seldom overcome . It really doesnít matter what we think . He said itís over so itís over. He is not going to face being shunned by his family to be with you .

  3. #3
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    My parents would not approve of someone who was 5 timezones away. They would worry that I was missing out on someone local and that we really didn't have anything in common except hormones and there's no possible way to really know him. I would just chalk it up to a fun travel romance and move on

  4. #4
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    I would very much appreciate advice on this, as being from Europe I might not understand the whole situation about approval from muslim parents. P.S. He did not know I told my mom about us, she said he's a handsome man and she would be ok with us being together. Also he did not ask if I would change my religion for us, but I had been thinking about it for quite a while and now I know I would convert as well as willing to relocate.

    I don't think you know what you would be getting yourself into moving to another country and converting to Islam. I don't think anyone should agree to converting to another religion and moving across the world with someone they are in the honeymoon stages with. All conversion should be genuine. its one thing to convert to a similar denomination for the sake of raising kids, especially if you are in a Western country, but living as a Muslim woman in SE Asia is a whole different ball of wax vs living in Europe. and do you even speak the language of the SE Asian country?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You can't be serious. He did a slow fade on you and broke up with you. There is nothing to prove to or convince with his parents. Do you realize you're coming across as a little crazy and desperate?

    Take a step back and be respectful of others' wishes. This isn't only about you.

  7. #6
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    Do you sincerely subscribe to the beliefs that Muslims practice, or do you want to tell him you're willing to convert just to try to entice him to come back to you? Or to get his family to accept you?

    Has he said "If you converted we could be together"? Has he told you he wants to reconcile?

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    Yes, religious and cultural differences can be a major road block, and no, it can't be easily overcome and will be a thorn in your relationship. DO NOT consider converting as some appeasement...it won't work. Sure, you can walk the walk for awhile, but it's just a matter of time before you abandon it. You have to have full faith and be fully committed to convert, and this has to be FOR YOU, not some guy. When the babies pop into the picture, you may decide you don't want to raise them in such a faith, and that's when things get really bad. You could find yourself walking straight into a lie that will unravel and wreak havoc on your life and your relationship. Don't do it. You may never convert, but your boyfriend will always be bound by his faith and his culture and his community, and unless you fit into this box, you will always be a source of contention. His family doesn't approve. His friends don't approve. He won't be willing to be shunned from his family in order to be by your side. You're living in a fluffy box if you think "if they just get to know me..." WRONG. It doesn't work that way.

    Your so-called boyfriend blew you off for three months, and you didn't get the hint. Now that he finally grew up and decided to be forthright, you're still snuggled up in this fluffy box thinking if only...I'll convert...I'll change their minds.

    This foundation you're trying to build is rocky and unsafe, and whatever you build on top of it will be weak and ready to collapse at any moment.

    You need to stop. It hurts, but you have to let go and move on.

    He has not treated you well these past few weeks, and this is just a tiny picture of what your future could look like. It has the potential to get worse...really worse. This is your red flag. Time to walk away.

  9. #8
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    You have to stop making excuses. If he had loved you, he would not have been too busy to speak to you.

    LDRs seldom work, and throw in a big cultural difference, it is not good. You want to convert? Would you have done this before meeting him?

    You are jumping through hoops and he has given you the cold shoulder. I suggest that you find someone who shares equal feelings, as this relationship did not have any legs.

    Lastly, he knew how his parents would feel, which is not good. He will marry a fellow Muslim. Guys like this are users. They have fun with the Westerners, until they are ready to marry.

    This is done. Next time, find someone local. No conversions unless it is what you want to do, not something to hold onto a man.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-21-2019 at 01:46 PM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he would prefer to stay within his culture and his parents agree. His parents may have arranged a marriage for him.
    Originally Posted by Cheshireca23
    confessed that parents did not approve of our relationship so it would not be fair to continue deceiving me so it has to end, that we are over.

    being from Europe I might not understand the whole situation about approval from muslim parents.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    He is not man enough to stand up to his parents and he didn't even have the courage to tell you what was really going on until you confronted him. Relocating for such a spineless "man" could land you in major major trouble. Women in these societies do not enjoy the same rights as men. It would be risky to relocate, let alone for a man who is ready to leave you at the first sign of trouble. This man is not right for you. Let go.

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