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Is different culture/religion an issue?


Cheshireca23

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A year ago I went to a different country for a business trip, there I met an absolutely amazing guy who was also there for business. We spent a lot of time together and both ended up falling in love. We did the long distance thing and it was working pretty well. Even though we had a 5h time zone difference he would find time to call me and I did my best too. I went to SE Asia where he's living now to visit him and it was the trip of a lifetime, we both enjoyed it and our feelings only grew stronger. We knew that we come from totally different parts of the world, but both confirmed it does not matter as long as we get along well. Then after a few months my bf went home to visit his parents, while being in his native country he told them about our relationship. Unfortunately it did not go too well and the parents disapproved of our relationship. I think my bf felt safe to tell them about us because during calls his mom kept saying that it does not matter where your gf is from, we just want to know about her. Turns out both mom and dad were against us. After talking to his parents he pulled back on me, I called him often, but seldom got a chance to talk to him. He kept himself busy. I'm sure it was a burden to keep in his heart as he could not tell me for 3 months. I am quite patient, so I kept myself busy as well. Now as I confronted him about ignoring me, at first he said he was busy (I know he really is because ha has a job, his own startup company and university assignments), but then confessed that parents did not approve of our relationship so it would not be fair to continue deceiving me so it has to end, that we are over... I feel so hurt but still willing to try my best in order to somehow smooth thing over, I'm sure that if his parents were to meet me or get to know me, they would change their opinion with time, as I am truly devoted to their son. I'm from N Europe and he's originally from Africa, but resides in SE Asia. I would very much appreciate advice on this, as being from Europe I might not understand the whole situation about approval from muslim parents. P.S. He did not know I told my mom about us, she said he's a handsome man and she would be ok with us being together. Also he did not ask if I would change my religion for us, but I had been thinking about it for quite a while and now I know I would convert as well as willing to relocate.

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I would very much appreciate advice on this, as being from Europe I might not understand the whole situation about approval from muslim parents. P.S. He did not know I told my mom about us, she said he's a handsome man and she would be ok with us being together. Also he did not ask if I would change my religion for us, but I had been thinking about it for quite a while and now I know I would convert as well as willing to relocate.

 

I don't think you know what you would be getting yourself into moving to another country and converting to Islam. I don't think anyone should agree to converting to another religion and moving across the world with someone they are in the honeymoon stages with. All conversion should be genuine. its one thing to convert to a similar denomination for the sake of raising kids, especially if you are in a Western country, but living as a Muslim woman in SE Asia is a whole different ball of wax vs living in Europe. and do you even speak the language of the SE Asian country?

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Do you sincerely subscribe to the beliefs that Muslims practice, or do you want to tell him you're willing to convert just to try to entice him to come back to you? Or to get his family to accept you?

 

Has he said "If you converted we could be together"? Has he told you he wants to reconcile?

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Yes, religious and cultural differences can be a major road block, and no, it can't be easily overcome and will be a thorn in your relationship. DO NOT consider converting as some appeasement...it won't work. Sure, you can walk the walk for awhile, but it's just a matter of time before you abandon it. You have to have full faith and be fully committed to convert, and this has to be FOR YOU, not some guy. When the babies pop into the picture, you may decide you don't want to raise them in such a faith, and that's when things get really bad. You could find yourself walking straight into a lie that will unravel and wreak havoc on your life and your relationship. Don't do it. You may never convert, but your boyfriend will always be bound by his faith and his culture and his community, and unless you fit into this box, you will always be a source of contention. His family doesn't approve. His friends don't approve. He won't be willing to be shunned from his family in order to be by your side. You're living in a fluffy box if you think "if they just get to know me..." WRONG. It doesn't work that way.

 

Your so-called boyfriend blew you off for three months, and you didn't get the hint. Now that he finally grew up and decided to be forthright, you're still snuggled up in this fluffy box thinking if only...I'll convert...I'll change their minds.

 

This foundation you're trying to build is rocky and unsafe, and whatever you build on top of it will be weak and ready to collapse at any moment.

 

You need to stop. It hurts, but you have to let go and move on.

 

He has not treated you well these past few weeks, and this is just a tiny picture of what your future could look like. It has the potential to get worse...really worse. This is your red flag. Time to walk away.

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You have to stop making excuses. If he had loved you, he would not have been too busy to speak to you.

 

LDRs seldom work, and throw in a big cultural difference, it is not good. You want to convert? Would you have done this before meeting him?

 

You are jumping through hoops and he has given you the cold shoulder. I suggest that you find someone who shares equal feelings, as this relationship did not have any legs.

 

Lastly, he knew how his parents would feel, which is not good. He will marry a fellow Muslim. Guys like this are users. They have fun with the Westerners, until they are ready to marry.

 

This is done. Next time, find someone local. No conversions unless it is what you want to do, not something to hold onto a man.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he would prefer to stay within his culture and his parents agree. His parents may have arranged a marriage for him.

confessed that parents did not approve of our relationship so it would not be fair to continue deceiving me so it has to end, that we are over.

 

being from Europe I might not understand the whole situation about approval from muslim parents.

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He is not man enough to stand up to his parents and he didn't even have the courage to tell you what was really going on until you confronted him. Relocating for such a spineless "man" could land you in major major trouble. Women in these societies do not enjoy the same rights as men. It would be risky to relocate, let alone for a man who is ready to leave you at the first sign of trouble. This man is not right for you. Let go.

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He is not man enough to stand up to his parents and he didn't even have the courage to tell you what was really going on until you confronted him. Relocating for such a spineless "man" could land you in major major trouble. Women in these societies do not enjoy the same rights as men. It would be risky to relocate, let alone for a man who is ready to leave you at the first sign of trouble. This man is not right for you. Let go.

 

I agree.

 

That’s not to say that men and women have not successfully converted, it should come from the heart, not a need to keep the relationship.

 

He’s already proving to you he will not put you first and this will be you giving more than him

 

I think it’s probably best to avoid the heartache, feelings of inferiority and turbulent times he will no doubt bring.

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LDR (long distance relationships) are doomed for failure for obvious reasons; too expensive, too far, too much travel, too inconvenient, not enough time together and it's unrealistic to expect a normal relationship.

 

Blood is thicker than water. His family comes first.

 

Get the message and take the hint. He's fading out of your life. Don't pathetically wish for what wasn't meant to be. Move on with your life. In the future, have a relationship with a local man because it is enduring.

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Sorry OP.

 

As somebody who has lived in and between two different cultures all my life... Cross-cultural relationships only work if both sides (including families if the families are close-knit) are open minded and lean towards the liberal end of the spectrum. Sometimes I have seen an open minded partner make huge sacrifices to try to fit into a disapproving and conservative family, but in the end those relationships cause massive drama and the person making the sacrifices ends up resentful and bitter, and their partner gets caught between trying to keep their partner happy and their family happy, which is literally impossible.

 

And in the cases I know, religion was not even an issue. Faith is an extremely sensitive issue, especially in the Islamic world, so I would steer well clear.

 

Finally, the key point in your case is that the guy already gave up on you. How do you know he is even a decent man? How do you know he is not just ticking off his bucket list of "sex with exotic white girl"? (Sorry to be blunt/rude but that is a thing in Asia)

 

There are very few cases where I would say "screw the culture and religion, if you love each other, be with each other!". This is definitely not such a case.

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Sorry OP.

 

As somebody who has lived in and between two different cultures all my life... Cross-cultural relationships only work if both sides (including families if the families are close-knit) are open minded and lean towards the liberal end of the spectrum. Sometimes I have seen an open minded partner make huge sacrifices to try to fit into a disapproving and conservative family, but in the end those relationships cause massive drama and the person making the sacrifices ends up resentful and bitter, and their partner gets caught between trying to keep their partner happy and their family happy, which is literally impossible.

 

And in the cases I know, religion was not even an issue. Faith is an extremely sensitive issue, especially in the Islamic world, so I would steer well clear.

 

Finally, the key point in your case is that the guy already gave up on you. How do you know he is even a decent man? How do you know he is not just ticking off his bucket list of "sex with exotic white girl"? (Sorry to be blunt/rude but that is a thing in Asia)

 

There are very few cases where I would say "screw the culture and religion, if you love each other, be with each other!". This is definitely not such a case.

 

 

Okay -- its not about a "liberal/conservative" family. It is absolutely proven that couples who are from a similar background have more lasting marriages - to have something in common. People who grew up in other countries can have all that strongly in common - --- but you can't ave 5 of the major things not in common. georgraphy (physical location(, life goals (kids/no kids, wants to be in the peace corps, doesn't like to leave home) religion, general cultural mores, ethnicity, spoken language, education level/intelligence (not everyone can get or feel a high level of education is important, but a compatible intelligence level, etc) - you can't have all those things completely opposite and expect your parents to be for it.

 

I have met couples that were different races and they were two peas in a pod. But they had the other stuff in common - general faith beliefs, similar family style, etc. The divide sometimes is too great.

 

No parent is "liberal" enough to tell their kid 'chase someone totally different than you where at the end of the day, you have nothing in common " That's just foolhardy

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