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Thread: Met a girl Online and not sure how to proceed with things - opinions needed

  1. #31
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    The only issue I saw, was that she did not drive you to your car. This was not considerate.
    If you are not compatible, then you are not compatible.
    I do think you need to chill out a bit. You seem to totally overthink and get quite defensive- the long, detailed responses. I am not trying to be mean, it is a simple suggestion.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by cingularity83
    In all fairness I did mention that perhaps she could’ve fell asleep....
    I didn’t say it was something I was going to confront her about and/ or blow out of proportion. I simply just said I took a small mental note of it.

    Also not sure how expecting common courtesy counts as testing someone for manners, but it’s your opinion & you have your own experiences for why you feel so and I can respect that.

    I certainly do probably have a high standard for at the very least expecting basic common courtesy from people & nothing else beyond that... and it’s only because I hold myself to that standard for extending common courtesy whenever possible.

    After our first 3 dates when she was mostly out in my area and she texted me when she got home after the date when she got home I always made sure to text her back to acknowledge (especially just after a date night)
    Yes - you have very specific details about common courtesy while others who also expect it might not be as detailed -like you expect the text back within a specific time and assume it wasn't sent or typed.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with Holly's last post. If you're not compatible, all good. That's dating, more often than not. I also agree that a touch more chill would benefit you, letting things flow a bit instead of analyzing the flow or trying to corral it.

    This thread, in a sense, began with an analyzation of the flow. What was up with her inviting you to a play? What did it mean? Who is this woman and what's her deal? That's a heavy way to approach things, putting a magnifying lens on things that may not warrant it—that may, in ways, prevent you from seeing things for what they are or just seeing One Thing at the expense of the Whole Thing. It's a tough energy to bring to the table—or, well, to the theater.

    I don't have a portal into her brain, so I can't tell you if she was feeling that energy or not—if, who knows, maybe the reason she asked if everything was okay was partly because she got the vibe that you were in your head, spinning around, taking notes, and "trying to make an effort" rather than just being yourself hanging out on a Saturday. Is it possible that she was just "observing" something that she noticed, rather than "accusing" you of something? Could it be that she was just talking to you, not judging you and demanding a defense? Your language is pretty aggressive and litigious, given the circumstances.

    I don't exist in my head quite the way you do, so it's hard for me to relate, I admit. Like, your post reminded me of an early date with my now girlfriend: an afterwork drink at a bar. Nice, warm time. She'd parked a little walk away, so I walked her to her car, said a sweet goodbye. My motorcycle was back at the bar. I walked back, rode home, didn't infuse any of it with much meaning save the fact that she was lovely and I looked forward to seeing her again. I wasn't "testing" her against my personal Considerate Human Scale, in other words, but was just observing, going with it. She struck me as considerate, in some larger sense. Great. I struck her however I struck her. Also great. The flow, you know?

    She's just a person. You're just a person. Saturday was just a date. Would you like another? If the gut says yes more than no, plan another. If not, don't. If you're stuck in an analytical loop it might mean she's not the one for you. And if analytical loops are a mainstay with dating—well, it might be beneficial to try to loosen the knots a bit so you can enjoy the ride. Hard to enjoy the scenery when we're white-knuckling the wheel.

  4. #34
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    The only issue I saw, was that she did not drive you to your car. This was not considerate.
    If you are not compatible, then you are not compatible.
    I do think you need to chill out a bit. You seem to totally overthink and get quite defensive- the long, detailed responses. I am not trying to be mean, it is a simple suggestion.
    explaining yourself in detail with responses is now being defensive?
    you'd rather I give short non-detailed responses?

    As far as the girl it is what is at this point....

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  6. #35
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes - you have very specific details about common courtesy while others who also expect it might not be as detailed -like you expect the text back within a specific time and assume it wasn't sent or typed.
    very true.... I've been working on telling myself that just because I do things for people doesn't mean I should also automatically expect the same back.

    For instance I'm the kind of person that will always hold doors open for people... not everybody does that. Rather than take offense with people that don't I have learned to just appreciate those do

  7. #36
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I agree with Holly's last post. If you're not compatible, all good. That's dating, more often than not. I also agree that a touch more chill would benefit you, letting things flow a bit instead of analyzing the flow or trying to corral it.

    This thread, in a sense, began with an analyzation of the flow. What was up with her inviting you to a play? What did it mean? Who is this woman and what's her deal? That's a heavy way to approach things, putting a magnifying lens on things that may not warrant it—that may, in ways, prevent you from seeing things for what they are or just seeing One Thing at the expense of the Whole Thing. It's a tough energy to bring to the table—or, well, to the theater.

    I don't have a portal into her brain, so I can't tell you if she was feeling that energy or not—if, who knows, maybe the reason she asked if everything was okay was partly because she got the vibe that you were in your head, spinning around, taking notes, and "trying to make an effort" rather than just being yourself hanging out on a Saturday. Is it possible that she was just "observing" something that she noticed, rather than "accusing" you of something? Could it be that she was just talking to you, not judging you and demanding a defense? Your language is pretty aggressive and litigious, given the circumstances.

    I don't exist in my head quite the way you do, so it's hard for me to relate, I admit. Like, your post reminded me of an early date with my now girlfriend: an afterwork drink at a bar. Nice, warm time. She'd parked a little walk away, so I walked her to her car, said a sweet goodbye. My motorcycle was back at the bar. I walked back, rode home, didn't infuse any of it with much meaning save the fact that she was lovely and I looked forward to seeing her again. I wasn't "testing" her against my personal Considerate Human Scale, in other words, but was just observing, going with it. She struck me as considerate, in some larger sense. Great. I struck her however I struck her. Also great. The flow, you know?

    She's just a person. You're just a person. Saturday was just a date. Would you like another? If the gut says yes more than no, plan another. If not, don't. If you're stuck in an analytical loop it might mean she's not the one for you. And if analytical loops are a mainstay with dating—well, it might be beneficial to try to loosen the knots a bit so you can enjoy the ride. Hard to enjoy the scenery when we're white-knuckling the wheel.
    thanks, it's something I need to get better at for sure

    and also your entire I post definitely offers up some food for thoughts. Some times I tend to care MORE than I should and that's not a good thing so I'll add that to list of things to work on and be mindful in future. It can cause unnecessary stress and anxiety over things I have control over.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What do you mean, exactly, by caring "more" than you should? Do you mean caring about another human, or caring about how you are being perceived?

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by cingularity83
    very true.... I've been working on telling myself that just because I do things for people doesn't mean I should also automatically expect the same back.

    For instance I'm the kind of person that will always hold doors open for people... not everybody does that. Rather than take offense with people that don't I have learned to just appreciate those do
    So I meant something different -you are very specific in what you require -for example you expected her to respond to your text before she went to sleep. Another example -I hold doors for people as a rule. I won't if the person is trying to gain entry to our apartment building if I don't know the person (for safety reasons and those are the rules) and same with my office. I try my best to explain if I can or if it's safe to do so but perhaps the person might think I simply have bad manners.

    Good attitude you have!

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It doesn't sound like anything was off to me except that she didn't respond to your text. You were very polite and gentlemanly. She may also be a big talker during movies or performances and if that doesn't appeal to you (it wouldn't to me), that's entirely your call. It also seems superficial to ask someone to go through the trouble of texting you and then not being available to respond. You know when people say "Hi! How are you!" in passing and they never stop to hear you respond? I always roll my eyes and think to myself "just shut up". I agree with you that you're not compatible. You seem more thoughtful. She may be a bit of a ditz. That's ok too as you said. I'm getting the feeling that she's overly insecure with her weird questions. Also not appealing, imho.

    In the meantime, if she still hasn't responded to you she's just not that kind of gal. Move on to someone a bit more thoughtful and careful and way more self-confident about herself. There are a lot of women who would much more prefer being with a guy like you than someone less like you.

  11. #40
    Silver Member cingularity83's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    It doesn't sound like anything was off to me except that she didn't respond to your text. You were very polite and gentlemanly. She may also be a big talker during movies or performances and if that doesn't appeal to you (it wouldn't to me), that's entirely your call. It also seems superficial to ask someone to go through the trouble of texting you and then not being available to respond. You know when people say "Hi! How are you!" in passing and they never stop to hear you respond? I always roll my eyes and think to myself "just shut up". I agree with you that you're not compatible. You seem more thoughtful. She may be a bit of a ditz. That's ok too as you said. I'm getting the feeling that she's overly insecure with her weird questions. Also not appealing, imho.

    In the meantime, if she still hasn't responded to you she's just not that kind of gal. Move on to someone a bit more thoughtful and careful and way more self-confident about herself. There are a lot of women who would much more prefer being with a guy like you than someone less like you.
    Yea thanks. I have my own faults but one thing I always at least try to do is be nice and courteous to people. I always say you never know what someone is going thru at the point you see them and maybe perhaps an act of kindness can help change their miserable day.
    It also sounds to me like it could be a compatibility thing so I'll let her know that while I had enjoyed our time together these past couple months on our dates I don't want to waste her time any further by continuing to see her and wish her well with her life.

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