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Thread: don’t know what to do: letting go or finding a middle ground

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Are you saying he has no idea how you feel?

    You know he already knows. So why bother?

    You could tell him you're stepping away because all of this is just making things more confusing for you.
    Whenever I try to talk to him he thinks that i want to resume to being bf/gf immediately, and feels pressured even though I assure him i am not expecting that. Its hard to get my message across when he either doesnt comprehend it or will brief over it and go “ok” so that he doesnt get “stressed” out by it. The last time i tried to talk to him about it he would get fustrated saying that he was “annoyed” because now he cant “focus on other things”.

    I don’t want to come off as someone thats sends paragraphs and paragraphs which is annoying but i also cant exxactly shorten my thoughts into three words so that i dont come across as pressuring

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Ellaho
    Whenever I try to talk to him he thinks that i want to resume to being bf/gf immediately, and feels pressured even though I assure him i am not expecting that. Its hard to get my message across when he either doesnt comprehend it or will brief over it and go “ok” so that he doesnt get “stressed” out by it. The last time i tried to talk to him about it he would get fustrated saying that he was “annoyed” because now he cant “focus on other things”.

    I don’t want to come off as someone thats sends paragraphs and paragraphs which is annoying but i also cant exxactly shorten my thoughts into three words so that i dont come across as pressuring
    You're trying to pretend you don't want to be back together because you think having some of him or "going slow" is better than nothing.

    Like I've said several times, HE is getting everything exactly the way he wants it. And you're going along with it just to try to hold onto him.

    But it's not working because what he wants and what you want are not the same.

    Giving him commitment free sex will make him want a relationship with you LESS, not more.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Ellaho
    It’s almost like a coping method right now. He often at times just talks to me about his day and work like we used to. Honestly his motives feel blurred right now.
    I know it is hard, but you have to cut him off. This is the only way for you to move on. You must go no contact and block him on everything. You are only prolonging your pain.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ellaho
    - Thanks for following up on my posts, honestly i feel like a mess. I’m a really rational person and i’m so used to seeing things objectively but im really struggling to right now. I like to analyse the situation and discuss it contrary to my ex who likes to “forget about it” as if the problems will disappear if that happens. Your answer helped quite a bit.

    - I’m pretty set on doing no contact although i’m not sure for how long... its crazy how people think you can just cut someone off after years of talking everyday. Sometimes i wished he’d done something really bad to make the process easier...
    Here’s the thing: you’re not, right now, being rational or analyzing things, so you’ve got to chill with the story that you’re the one trying to “address” things while he’s trying to “forget.”

    You’ve broken up and you’re still engaging in a breakup, while sleeping with someone you used to be with. You want to be rational and/or analytical? Cool—that’s what you can do in silence, alone in a room, with friends, whatever. But with him? It’s not that, just the illusion of that.

    What is it really? As others have said, it’s you doing everything possible to not be broken up. It’s breaking up and breaking up and breaking up, with some sex in between break up conversations. I know you know that, reading those words. You’re trying not lose him, to keep him, to “win.” Will sex lead to a win? Will another conversation? Does him getting jealous mean you’re winning? That’s your headspace, and it’s totally human.

    End result? You won’t get the win you want. Sucks. And it really sucks to have to be rational about that, and to analyze what comes in the wake of that. It’s painful. But at some point you’re going to have to ask yourself which is more painful: actually letting go and analyzing all that, rationally, or doing what you’re doing, irrationally, to avoid it?

    I know it’s hard. But you’re not yourself right now, not really being the woman you want to be, and drifting down the path where you start thinking men are all awful because you allowed a man to be awful. That means that even if you do win—if you can guilt or sex or jealous him into returning, which you might—it will leave an icky residue, a win that feels like a loss.

    Stuff to think about, or not, as you see fit.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He's just using you and doesn't want to commit to a serious relationship with you. Even though he's an introvert, he's still only 19 years old and will sow his wild oats for a long time.

    Nothing will change. You need to ask yourself if you're satisfied with this current arrangement. If not, date other guys since they're interested in you.

    Moving on is easy once you increase your wisdom, self confidence, high self worth, self esteem and strength.

    You'll get courage once you realize that he's not willing to be the type of man you want him to be.

  7. #16
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    You’re right OP, it’s strange to suddenly feel cut off from someone you knew so well.

    Welcome to breaking up.

    It sucks. Most of us have been there; it’s a normal but painful part of ending a relationship. It will hurt and feel very strange for a while. But eventually, you will get used to not having him in your life all the time.

    As for you being the only person he speaks to - either he’s an incredibly emotionally unhealthy person, or he does in fact talk to other people you are unaware of. If he’s broken up with you, he will eventually meet other people anyway. It’s best you get used to that notion.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That won't make him want to come back. Just like offering no-strings sex didn't. In fact all the games and jealousy tactics you've been trying have backfired. You come off as insincere and manipulative that way. These games are easy to spot. The more games you play and the clingier you get the more you'll keep pushing him away. Running to him, crying in his bed then the next day a no contact message just places you in the flaky/crazy category. Why not just pull back and sort yourself out.
    Originally Posted by Ellaho
    Should i implement NC, apart of me wants to send him a huge paragraph telling him directly how I feel before doing so

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