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Thread: Choosing between 2! Help !

  1. #1

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    Sep 2019
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    Choosing between 2! Help !

    Hello all,

    It's a long story but I need all the help I can get.

    I've been in a relationship with a guy, Alex for 7 years (it would be 8 years last month)
    I study in a different country and the distance was fine because we're incredibly loyal, in love and know we're the only ones for each other
    Except the past two years have been miserable for me, he stopped visiting (not once those two whole years), I was the one flying back and forth
    We barely called each other, once a month if that

    Our relationship was purely texting, his support was in the form of a text
    He was still always there for me, whenever I needed help filling out a form, applications for jobs, financially too even !
    He's great at listening and even though our jobs are completely different fields, he would listen to me and remember and ask about things (over text)

    He managed to make time to go on trips with his friends but not to see me
    I let it go, in the name of "love", but slowly began to resent him for this
    I made myself busy by going to the gym everyday and making a whole bunch of new friends
    and completely distracted myself from how alone I felt in the relationship

    We were about to get engaged in the winter last year but I broke it off, I had had enough of being alone and miserable whenever my friends weren't around and the thought of our relationship made me sad
    He wants me to move in with his family too once we marry and I'm not entirely comfortable about that
    With a career as demanding as mine, I would want to come back to a place of our own
    he's incredible stable financially but is just so involved with his family
    they are his responsibility and I don't hate him for that
    it's just not what I wanted from life

    I wanted to find myself again too, we had met when I was so young and he always had rules that we should follow
    in terms of how I dressed and not drinking alcohol (which I thought was fine, because we share the same religion, but I've come to realise I shouldn't not want to do those because of a man, but on my own terms if anything)
    I know he loves me though
    his love for me is true and pure, he just got incredibly lazy which hurts a lot.

    he called me last week saying he will visit me whenever I wanted now and to give him another chance
    and that his family can't wait to see me again
    and when i confronted how neglected I have felt, he said it was because he was so busy working hard for our future
    which made me feel awful

    He doesn't come from a rich family, and mine is slightly well off... i think this gave him a complex and drove him to think that
    money and stuff would make me happy, which is why he was always working -weekends too!

    I've been back for the summer for the past few months and I got a letter in the post from him and a few long text messages.... but he still didn't get the fact that what I wanted.... was his presence and his time and his attention

    Over the summer anyway, I met another guy, George
    and it may be because its new
    but George makes time, he lives alone and has his own place
    we have gotten incredibly serious and maybe a bit too fast since we have only known each other for 3-4 months
    he's willing to fly out to me whenever I want
    and work with the distance
    He's adorable, handsome, we both workout together and have a passion for the same things
    I would have my independence and freedom with him but the fear of the unknown is there in a new relationship
    and i'm afraid of being vulnerable
    because this is what happened next....

    George was supposed to fly out this weekend but he went to see his brother in Switzerland instead
    he said it was difficult to get out of it because his whole family wanted him there
    but I had my hopes up on him coming to visit me for the first time since i flew out to university (the first test in my head of seeing if this would work out)
    the trauma of my past relationship came flooding back and those old feelings came flooding back

    I did confront him and tell him that i had the same problems with my ex and I didn't want to make the same mistake
    he promised to visit soon and that because he genuinely is in the middle of moving cities himself for work, things were a little tricky for him and it would be good if I came to visit the following weekend
    I don't know if I was being naive
    but I agreed to fly out to see him

    but then

    my ex, Alex called and the weekend that I'm supposed to fly out to see George
    He is visiting
    he's staying in a hotel and just wants to talk one last time
    and he wants another chance, he said he wants me to look him in the eyes and tell him its really over
    he said there's no pressure for me to come and see him but he will be here if I wanted to talk

    I feel like I owe that to him, because of how long we were together

    When Alex called, I could barely speak to Alex on the phone, his voice brought so many memories back
    I missed the safety and the loyalty that I had with him despite the neglect
    it was old and comfortable

    I like being with George but I'm so afraid, he's good looking with this awesome bachelor pad.... I get paranoid sometimes about if I'm enough for all of this and why me, when there's all these gorgeous girls who he is surrounded by in the city

    I don't know what to do
    should I fly back to see George and work on a new relationship with him
    or stay in town to see Alex and hear him out??

    What if me staying back at university that weekend will drive George away because I didn't come to visit him, when being so close to booking the tickets
    What if he can't handle the distance after all or gets bored with me in a few months and the high of a new relationship wares off
    Alex really did drop a bomb on me at the wrong time

    but then I am aware its not fair to hold on to Alex as a back up either, and I do love him too, I always will, he's the best thing to have happened to me
    but the anger and resentment is strong too
    and I don't know if i can get past that
    because my father neglected me my whole life too and I just can't deal with it anymore

    I've been trying to get over Alex, to forget, but being in a relationship for so long
    I miss him as my friend too

    please any advice would be helpful
    am I making a mistake

    I'm so confused and every time I get a minute to myself I'm a mess of tears
    I feel guilty to both of them, but all i wanted was a guy who would really be there for me and present

  2. #2
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    "I feel guilty to both of them, but all i wanted was a guy who would really be there for me and present "

    If this is truly what you want, it's going to be hard to find if you mainly pursue men who live out of town. I wonder why it is that you are so attracted to long distance relationships and don't look for someone who lives nearby? Although you want it, do you perhaps fear that your busy lifestyle will be too much for someone if they have to put up with you day to day instead of at a distance? Sometimes when we are afraid or uncomfortable, we make decisions that actually increase rather than lessen those feelings. It's a way of trying to deal with those emotions. For example, the cliche of someone breaking up with someone because they are afraid the other person will break up with them.

    You don't have to feel guilty about your desire for a man to desire you and want to be in your presence for more than a weekend. It's what most people would want.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    George is the future, Alex is the past.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Honestly, I can't read this and really think that either of these men are your answer—not until you find some steadiness inside yourself first. You spoke of wanting to find yourself, having realized how you'd lost pieces of yourself with Alex, but instead of giving yourself some time to really do that George became the new flashlight to find yourself.

    Problem is, at least by the sounds of it, you're not quite ready. You're nervous, scared, distrustful, comparing George (to his face) to Alex. That's understandable, since you haven't given yourself time to process Alex and find yourself, but it's not really a great foundation for a relationship.

    And neither are people, as Saluk said, who don't live where you live. What do you think is going on with that instinct, to get attached to people who, for it to work, would require you to drastically change your life? Often we find ourselves attracted to that when we are not happy with where we are, so subconsciously new people, in new places, become potential portals to new lives, new yous. But that's an extraordinary amount of pressure to put on a person, more than most people can take.

    What you want, ultimately, is what everyone wants: a solid, sustainable, loving connection. But I'm not sure that's in the cards with either of these guys, since your connection with Alex has been turbulent for years and since your connection with George is muddied by that turbulence. Maybe give yourself a minute to built a solid, sustainable, and loving connection with yourself so you're slightly less dependent on a man to be the answer but instead to compliment some questions you've already answered for yourself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think you're in any shape to start a new relationship with anyone so you're sort of starting off on the wrong foot there with George. Alex and you should end it. It's too little too late and I think both of you have grown apart. The both of you also don't seem compatible and the distance and all that time spent moping hasn't helped your relationship. Let go. Don't date. Be alone for awhile and feel more confident about yourself.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Doesn't matter how much you have invested, what matters is your own happiness.

  8. #7
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    You have outgrown your relationship with Alex. He has shown you through his lack of action his value of the relationship.

    End it with Alex and move forward with George.

    You must also cut all contact with Alex.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Doesn't matter how much you have invested, what matters is your own happiness.
    OP, you have already wasted two years with this guy! He does not love you.


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