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Thread: Feeling Undesired

  1. #1

    Feeling Undesired

    Hello, First time posting and asking for advice but I don't have any male friends to talk about these issues that would understand what i'm going through.

    I've been dating this girl for 10 months now the first 3 months sex was happening 3-6 times a week, after the(honey mood) period end it fell back to barely 1 once a month.
    we spoke about it after 2 months of this happening she told me it was nothing to do with me it was just her sex drive was down I believed that till I seen she was still watch porn multiple times a week.
    I understand yes it's health to masturbate I do it myself but still like to have sex/make love and would rather get herself off instead, now we've never had a problem getting each other off.
    she has stated that sex does last too long sometimes with us and she can't do it any longer, I've told her that's fine she gets off but doesn't even try to help me out after at all(this is only sometimes.
    sex went back to normal for a week or two doing it maybe once or twice a week, but these last 4 months just have gone back to doing it once every 5 weeks when she is in the mood, I initiate all the time.
    she doesn't like kissing a whole ton, so I always try to give her tickles and massages to relax her maybe her in the mood also doing things she wants to do but nothing she has gone back to just doing it herself.
    I did tell her it's making me feel unwanted cause I don't see a point of a relationship without making love and just doing it yourself we both could be friends and single do that.
    I'm just trying to find some advice one how to go about this all, cause I have a high sex drive and would to love everyday but would be happy with once a week and her to put a little effort in.
    There is always something, too tired, headache I don't like doing it through the day because I have self esteem issues(I understand that, but we have done it alot in the day time when she always wants it).

    let me know if you'd like some more information

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    I don’t think that you can gauge someone’s sex drive based off the first 3 months in the relationship. MOST relationships are hot and heavy at first. It’s new, it’s exciting, it’s fun, etc. I think the real gauge is when all of that dies down. That’s the real sex drive.

    I don’t mean to be all negative, but IMO, it kind of goes downhill from here. If you are having this issues 10 months in, what is going to happen after 20 years?

    Dating is about assessing if you are compatible. In all honesty, I wouldn’t even try to “fix” this at this juncture. The relationship is too new to be having these problems. I think you need to simply consider whether or not you are compatible and whether once a month or so is something you can be ok with.

    Again - sorry to be negative - but to me, some things you should simply not try to “fix”. (My response would have been different if you had been married 20 years or something)

  3. #3
    I thought this, also I really do love this girl but I just don't think I'm going to be able to live with sex only happening once month now(all I can think is it will only get worse). it's my first serious relationship this long. wasn't being negative I just thought maybe it could turn around

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How old is she? Do you have privacy? Where are you trying to have sex? Unfortunately it sounds like you are incompatible. You asked her and she told you. Also pressuring her, begging, complaining and 'tickling' are huge turn-offs. It sounds like she lost interest.
    Originally Posted by anonymous172
    she has stated that sex does last too long sometimes with us and she can't do it any longer.
    I did tell her it's making me feel unwanted.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You might want to be aware that your self-pleasuring might be desensitizing you in the bed arena (hence the long love-making spells). If you're overdoing it solo, leave off for a bit and engage with your partner a bit more mentally and emotionally. Sometimes when we aren't getting what we want, we hyperfocus and you doing that is not going to help the mental/emotional part. It'll just make you appear obsessed and a little one-track minded even though I am sure you are not. You're just concerned and frustrated. Try and get out of your routine together too and take your mind off of things as a couple.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Dude the relationship has run it's course. You can throw excuses at it all you want, the fact is she has lost interest, and she's just waiting for you to breakup with her.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Sexual compatibility is a must-have for people who want a satisfying lifetime partner. This should be a dealbreaker for you. But to address having sex 3-6 times a week for the first 3 months, you might have been seeing each other too much at the beginning of the relationship. Did you see each other daily? Too much, too soon. Do you ever give affection when you don't want to pursue sex? Even if you always do, sometimes refrain and give affection without sex being the endgame.

    I saw a survey that said only 4 percent of the population wants to have sex daily, so don't be unrealistic about your expectations with any woman, but a young woman should at least want to have sex once a week, not once every 5 weeks. Time to bail before you invest anymore time in a woman who will continue to regularly frustrate you.

  9. #8
    @wiseman2 she is 22-23 in 2 months i'm 24-25 in 2 months 5 days apart from birthdays, she asks for tickles and messages every night.
    @rose mosse My whole focus in bed is getting her off first which is a huge turn on for me, i'm not worrying about myself but i'd like her to show some effort in trying to pleasure me just once in a while.
    @smackie9 it has run it's course it's your option on what i've told you yes she tells me she loves me daily does everything for me emotionally(also tells me all the time she wants to have my kids make a home and doesn't want me to leave her I have tried).
    @andrina before the start of the relationship she was spending so much time with me even skipping hours to sleep before work to spend with me travelling hours to work but because I did have other girls interested and was sleeping with at the time, we spent a lot of time together before she told me she had feeling for me. I give affection all the time without even a thought of having sex just want to spend time with her. That's the thing she will do it herself a few days before we see each other we live about 30 minutes away from each other so only get to spend weekends with each other now.

    another question I do I bring my sex drive down to be able to live with it?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you live with parents or roommates or in dorms? Is there privacy and a relaxed atmosphere. As far as pleasuring you, some girls do not like bjs so if you are pressuring her, she may just ditch the whole idea of sex to level the field. Keep in mind, no one owes you sex, however it's usually part of a dating/relationship situation. She has already told you "you take too long" so she's not happy or satisfied with sex with you. That's why it's infrequent now as opposed to earlier on.
    Originally Posted by anonymous172
    she is 22
    i'd like her to show some effort in trying to pleasure me just once in a while.
    we live about 30 minutes away from each other so only get to spend weekends with each other now.

  11. #10
    I live with a parent yes as she does, I had never pressured a blowjob but I do try to be intimate but she isn't a very intimate person like kissing/making out. I know no one owes me sex it's the feeling of feeling unwanted/needed if she'd rather do it herself what is the point. Than why won't she let me leave without her saying she will kill herself if I break up with her cause she can't go through another heartbreak...

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