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Feeling Undesired


anonymous172

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Hello, First time posting and asking for advice but I don't have any male friends to talk about these issues that would understand what i'm going through.

 

I've been dating this girl for 10 months now the first 3 months sex was happening 3-6 times a week, after the(honey mood) period end it fell back to barely 1 once a month.

we spoke about it after 2 months of this happening she told me it was nothing to do with me it was just her sex drive was down I believed that till I seen she was still watch porn multiple times a week.

I understand yes it's health to masturbate I do it myself but still like to have sex/make love and would rather get herself off instead, now we've never had a problem getting each other off.

she has stated that sex does last too long sometimes with us and she can't do it any longer, I've told her that's fine she gets off but doesn't even try to help me out after at all(this is only sometimes.

sex went back to normal for a week or two doing it maybe once or twice a week, but these last 4 months just have gone back to doing it once every 5 weeks when she is in the mood, I initiate all the time.

she doesn't like kissing a whole ton, so I always try to give her tickles and massages to relax her maybe her in the mood also doing things she wants to do but nothing she has gone back to just doing it herself.

I did tell her it's making me feel unwanted cause I don't see a point of a relationship without making love and just doing it yourself we both could be friends and single do that.

I'm just trying to find some advice one how to go about this all, cause I have a high sex drive and would to love everyday but would be happy with once a week and her to put a little effort in.

There is always something, too tired, headache I don't like doing it through the day because I have self esteem issues(I understand that, but we have done it alot in the day time when she always wants it).

 

let me know if you'd like some more information

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I don’t think that you can gauge someone’s sex drive based off the first 3 months in the relationship. MOST relationships are hot and heavy at first. It’s new, it’s exciting, it’s fun, etc. I think the real gauge is when all of that dies down. That’s the real sex drive.

 

I don’t mean to be all negative, but IMO, it kind of goes downhill from here. If you are having this issues 10 months in, what is going to happen after 20 years?

 

Dating is about assessing if you are compatible. In all honesty, I wouldn’t even try to “fix” this at this juncture. The relationship is too new to be having these problems. I think you need to simply consider whether or not you are compatible and whether once a month or so is something you can be ok with.

 

Again - sorry to be negative - but to me, some things you should simply not try to “fix”. (My response would have been different if you had been married 20 years or something)

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Sorry to hear this. How old is she? Do you have privacy? Where are you trying to have sex? Unfortunately it sounds like you are incompatible. You asked her and she told you. Also pressuring her, begging, complaining and 'tickling' are huge turn-offs. It sounds like she lost interest.

she has stated that sex does last too long sometimes with us and she can't do it any longer.

I did tell her it's making me feel unwanted.

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You might want to be aware that your self-pleasuring might be desensitizing you in the bed arena (hence the long love-making spells). If you're overdoing it solo, leave off for a bit and engage with your partner a bit more mentally and emotionally. Sometimes when we aren't getting what we want, we hyperfocus and you doing that is not going to help the mental/emotional part. It'll just make you appear obsessed and a little one-track minded even though I am sure you are not. You're just concerned and frustrated. Try and get out of your routine together too and take your mind off of things as a couple.

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Sexual compatibility is a must-have for people who want a satisfying lifetime partner. This should be a dealbreaker for you. But to address having sex 3-6 times a week for the first 3 months, you might have been seeing each other too much at the beginning of the relationship. Did you see each other daily? Too much, too soon. Do you ever give affection when you don't want to pursue sex? Even if you always do, sometimes refrain and give affection without sex being the endgame.

 

I saw a survey that said only 4 percent of the population wants to have sex daily, so don't be unrealistic about your expectations with any woman, but a young woman should at least want to have sex once a week, not once every 5 weeks. Time to bail before you invest anymore time in a woman who will continue to regularly frustrate you.

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@wiseman2 she is 22-23 in 2 months i'm 24-25 in 2 months 5 days apart from birthdays, she asks for tickles and messages every night.

@rose mosse My whole focus in bed is getting her off first which is a huge turn on for me, i'm not worrying about myself but i'd like her to show some effort in trying to pleasure me just once in a while.

@smackie9 it has run it's course it's your option on what i've told you yes she tells me she loves me daily does everything for me emotionally(also tells me all the time she wants to have my kids make a home and doesn't want me to leave her I have tried).

@andrina before the start of the relationship she was spending so much time with me even skipping hours to sleep before work to spend with me travelling hours to work but because I did have other girls interested and was sleeping with at the time, we spent a lot of time together before she told me she had feeling for me. I give affection all the time without even a thought of having sex just want to spend time with her. That's the thing she will do it herself a few days before we see each other we live about 30 minutes away from each other so only get to spend weekends with each other now.

 

another question I do I bring my sex drive down to be able to live with it?

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Do you live with parents or roommates or in dorms? Is there privacy and a relaxed atmosphere. As far as pleasuring you, some girls do not like bjs so if you are pressuring her, she may just ditch the whole idea of sex to level the field. Keep in mind, no one owes you sex, however it's usually part of a dating/relationship situation. She has already told you "you take too long" so she's not happy or satisfied with sex with you. That's why it's infrequent now as opposed to earlier on.

she is 22

i'd like her to show some effort in trying to pleasure me just once in a while.

we live about 30 minutes away from each other so only get to spend weekends with each other now.

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I live with a parent yes as she does, I had never pressured a blowjob but I do try to be intimate but she isn't a very intimate person like kissing/making out. I know no one owes me sex it's the feeling of feeling unwanted/needed if she'd rather do it herself what is the point. Than why won't she let me leave without her saying she will kill herself if I break up with her cause she can't go through another heartbreak...

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This is really why you should breakup. Anyone who holds you hostage has too many issues to date. Let her go. Not because of lack of privacy or lack of blowjobs but because she is way too immature and too manipulative. You are not helping the situation. She needs a doctor, not a bf.

 

If she threatens suicide tell her you will tell her parents and that she needs in-patient psychiatric treatment, not a bf or tickling. You are wasting your time with someone like this. Has nothing to do with sex.

I live with a parent yes as she does. why won't she let me leave without her saying she will kill herself if I break up with her cause she can't go through another heartbreak...
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I'll try to answer this with some larger thoughts to get to the issue at hand.

 

Personally, I hate the phrase "honeymoon phase," since more often than not it's used to rationalize staying in a relationship that has gone from good to bad. It's just not something people generally say when they're happy. Think about that for a minute.

 

The first three months, with anyone, are a dice roll. You keep rolling the dice after that if you're having fun. If you're having less fun, and itching to "get back to the way things were," it often means that you're not as compatible as you'd hoped, that there isn't enough fuel to keep the engine running. Sucks. Hurts. But, in the long run, way better to learn to call that than force something that isn't there.

 

Trying to lower your sex drive? That's forcing things, maybe forcing something that is not there. What you're saying, basically, is that you want to learn to live in a state that has made you unfulfilled. Not possible. You've been unhappy, sexually, for the vast majority of this relationship—more than twice as long as you've been happy. Not a good sign. That your unhappiness is moving downward in a straight line, as opposed to rising and falling, is a worse sign.

 

Often times—and I suspect this might be happening here—sex will fade when an emotional connection thins. Like, you can have a fierce, powerful connection with someone, and you're both dying to take each other's clothes off all the time, and all that feels very much like an extension of a profound emotional connection. Which it is, in ways. But sometimes it's a bit of an illusion, or just not quite as profound as we thought and hoped.

 

I think it's much healthier—hard, I know, but healthier—to accept when you're not compatible than to start feeling like something is wrong with you, and then trying to "cure" that wrong thing by changing the way you behave with someone: training yourself to want less than you do, say, or resorting to insincere gestures to "get" the thing you want. When everything feels inauthentic there's no more center to orbit around.

 

Brass tacks here: Neither of you are happy sexually, and haven't been for at least 7 months. That's 2/3rds of your time together. Sex is a pretty huge part of what separates a romantic relationship from others. Why be in a romantic relationship that doesn't satisfy you romantically, you know?

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Than why won't she let me leave without her saying she will kill herself if I break up with her cause she can't go through another heartbreak...

 

Whoa. Yeah, what Wiseman is saying: this is not good, not a healthy person. You aren't her therapist. Your job is not to keep her alive, just like her job is not to satisfy you sexually. Your jobs are to be yourselves, and if being yourselves next to each other doesn't work, you go your separate ways.

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Woah - yes - this thread took an unhealthy turn. I agree with Wiseman.

 

If someone says that they will kill themselves if you break up with them, that is NOT a romantic gesture. It’s a sign of mental illness (usually depression) that requires medical intervention.

 

The only way out of this is to do what you have to do and call 911 if you feel they may pose a risk to themselves. You can’t allow yourself to be held hostage.

 

BTW - lack of interest in sex can be one of the many symptoms of depression.

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How the heck were you having sex 6x per week if you both live at home?

 

If she is threatening to kill herself if you break up with her, tell the parent that she lives with about the threat. then break up with her. She's emotionally manipulating you &/or is a fundamentally unhealthy person. Either way you can't stay with her.

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I really do love this girl but I just don't think I'm going to be able to live with sex only happening once month now

 

^^ you tell her this

Look, if she's telling your straight up that her sex drive is such, then that's what you have to deal with. You can compromise I suppose, but she's not going to rev up her sex drive anymore than you can dial yours down.

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Get out now before you make major decisions like moving in with or marrying a person who uses emotional blackmail to try to control you. I know a guy who ended up marrying a woman who threatened the same thing. She has managed to isolate him and their children from his entire loving family because of her controlling ways.

 

You now have listed two dealbreakers. Take it from people who have twice the life experience as you. As the others have said, break up and if she threatens you, tell her you will be calling 911 AND telling her parents. Call her bluff.

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