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Thread: Jealousy,,,,unsure but uncomfortable feeling.

  1. #11
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    It was a very clear it was another mans name and from what was going on while she was sleeping it was definitely erotic hence the reason I was feeling so awkward about it when I was woken by it.

    I wish I was reading to much into it as this was my initial thoughts at first but last night was very clear what she was dreaming about.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Going back through your threads....you keep focusing on intimacy while your wife is telling you to your face that she feels nothing for you, is over the marriage, had asked you to leave and obliterated any trace of you in your own home in seconds, refuses to so much as touch you (not even talking sex, just basic humanity here), is guarding her phone better than the CIA guards their secret documents and is constantly on said phone and panics if she left it unattended....... Dude....I'm sorry but you've got to stop living in denial and face the music and start looking and I mean look at what your wife is really doing and with who. If you don't want that, then accept that marriage is over and start the process of divorce. That does not mean that you leave the home, it means you consult with a pitbull divorce lawyer or two or five.

    You cannot keep ignoring reality and at this point, you don't know what she is plotting behind your back while you are living with your head in the sand pleading for a hug from your wife. Come on. I know it's tough, but you can't fix this when she is checked out and has been for ages and isn't getting better. Marriage is a two way street.
    I did come to the decision myself a while back this was all over but itís hard to accept when my wife is telling me this is not how she feels. I am being told she is happy in the marriage but she doesnít want intimacy of any kind and is unable to give me an acceptable/any reason to why she feels like this.

    I know in my head what the reality feels like but my wife is throwing me a curveball by telling me she is happy but only if itís a sexless marriage.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're a man😋🤣
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    The marriage is over. Time to contact a lawyer.

  4. #14
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    On my last visit to the councillor I told they the FULL story.

    They also mentioned I should try get my wife to attend either with me or on her own but she declined both.

    Anyway I was advised that what my wife is doing is one way in our marriage and that she does no the reason for her feeling like this but isnít willing to share this with me.
    I mentioned what my wife said about giving it time and to that I was told if I wish to do this then I should enjoy my time with her as much as I can as towards the end if that comes I will feel better in myself for doing this and not letting things get bitter between us.
    I was also advised to start looking into another form of housing and Sorting out my financial affairs so it doesnít hit me so hard if we do separate. I have started doing both.
    The councillor was very nice but very blunt with me as they feel I might be getting taken down a very dangerous road by my wife and we both donít know it. But they also said my wife has probably already got in her game plan working in the background.

    When I came out I felt they were very harsh on my wife being they have never met or spoken to her but on the drive home I realised perhaps they were telling me what I needed to hear.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    I did come to the decision myself a while back this was all over but itís hard to accept when my wife is telling me this is not how she feels. I am being told she is happy in the marriage but she doesnít want intimacy of any kind and is unable to give me an acceptable/any reason to why she feels like this.

    I know in my head what the reality feels like but my wife is throwing me a curveball by telling me she is happy but only if itís a sexless marriage.
    Well....I know this is incredibly confusing for you because.....she means for you to stay confused and off balance. It's not a curveball, it's gaslighting.....and there is a difference. She is basically telling you that she wants to continue to enjoy all the material benefits that being married to you provides, but she no longer wants to be your wife in any other sense of the word. Sorry, but it doesn't work that way and she can't have this both ways because there is another, much more blunt term for it - user.

    She doesn't want to go to counseling because she doesn't care. She doesn't want to talk to you or tell you what her issues are because she doesn't care. Again, sorry to be blunt because it's painful and difficult to wrap your mind around the idea that the person you love and care about simply doesn't care about you anymore. Unfortunately, that's where you are currently at.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    On my last visit to the councillor I told they the FULL story.

    They also mentioned I should try get my wife to attend either with me or on her own but she declined both.

    Anyway I was advised that what my wife is doing is one way in our marriage and that she does no the reason for her feeling like this but isnít willing to share this with me.
    I mentioned what my wife said about giving it time and to that I was told if I wish to do this then I should enjoy my time with her as much as I can as towards the end if that comes I will feel better in myself for doing this and not letting things get bitter between us.
    I was also advised to start looking into another form of housing and Sorting out my financial affairs so it doesnít hit me so hard if we do separate. I have started doing both.
    The councillor was very nice but very blunt with me as they feel I might be getting taken down a very dangerous road by my wife and we both donít know it. But they also said my wife has probably already got in her game plan working in the background.

    When I came out I felt they were very harsh on my wife being they have never met or spoken to her but on the drive home I realised perhaps they were telling me what I needed to hear.
    Sadly I agree with the counselor that she likely is already working out an exit plan. She has certainly exited emotionally and doesn't seem at all interested in returning. Look at her actions, not her words. IF she wanted to work on her marriage, she'd be going to counseling with you or solo.....but you are doing all the work while she is telling you she doesn't even want to give you a hug...... I'm sorry but.....

    That said, your counselor is overstepping some professional boundaries and giving you some really really bad and dangerous legal advice. Do NOT look for another place and do not even dare move out. These actions have very serious legal and financial consequences for you depending where you live. Please please please have a few consultations with different divorce attorneys in your area, good ones, top notch ones, ones that tend to represent men in particular and learn and educate yourself about what you should and shouldn't be doing. Look, you don't need to file for divorce, but you do need to educate yourself just in case. Cover your rear so to speak and remember that knowledge is power. Heck, it might even give you some confidence in that you no longer beg for her attention and go a bit cold. Who knows.....it might jolt her a bit and make her rethink her actions.

    The way things are now, there is a massive imbalance in your relationship where you are begging desperately for any crumb of affection, going to counseling, trying to save your marriage, meanwhile she is taking you for granted and basically telling you that she'll be happy to use you to put a roof over her head, but will not engage in marriage outside of that. How "nice"of her. Maybe it's time for you to arm yourself with some knowledge and call her bs out....and check your phone records......although if she is skilled, it might take a lot more than that for you find the truth behind her lack of affection....although looking from the outside in, what's going on is rather painfully obvious.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Timeout74
    Unfortunately the answer is no to both questions.

    I have been to counselling twice myself now but she has no desire to attend and again unfortunately Iím still being told by her that she doesnít know why she feels this way.
    I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, I think your marriage has run its course. It's one thing to go thru a rough patch, but the other person has to WANT to change and to SEEK it, since she is doing neither- she has no desire to change at all. Even if she truly doesn't know WHY she feels this way, she should WANT to seek answers or at least care about you and your feelings, like even a LITTLE bit.

    So- Do you want to live in a loveless (I won't say sexless because it's LOVELESS- refusing to kiss or even TOUCH you is loveless- there are couple that have stopped having sex that still give displays of affection) marriage for the rest of your life OR get divorced and be free to find someone who will actually be a WIFE to you. Let's be real- this woman is now only your wife on paper and all she is doing at this point is using you.

    At this point I would advise you to start making a plan. Do not move out. Just find a good lawyer. Do NOT consent to an open marriage- she would likely just use this against you during divorce proceedings. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Best of luck to you.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Sadly I agree with the counselor that she likely is already working out an exit plan. She has certainly exited emotionally and doesn't seem at all interested in returning. Look at her actions, not her words. IF she wanted to work on her marriage, she'd be going to counseling with you or solo.....but you are doing all the work while she is telling you she doesn't even want to give you a hug...... I'm sorry but.....

    That said, your counselor is overstepping some professional boundaries and giving you some really really bad and dangerous legal advice. Do NOT look for another place and do not even dare move out. These actions have very serious legal and financial consequences for you depending where you live. Please please please have a few consultations with different divorce attorneys in your area, good ones, top notch ones, ones that tend to represent men in particular and learn and educate yourself about what you should and shouldn't be doing. Look, you don't need to file for divorce, but you do need to educate yourself just in case. Cover your rear so to speak and remember that knowledge is power. Heck, it might even give you some confidence in that you no longer beg for her attention and go a bit cold. Who knows.....it might jolt her a bit and make her rethink her actions.

    The way things are now, there is a massive imbalance in your relationship where you are begging desperately for any crumb of affection, going to counseling, trying to save your marriage, meanwhile she is taking you for granted and basically telling you that she'll be happy to use you to put a roof over her head, but will not engage in marriage outside of that. How "nice"of her. Maybe it's time for you to arm yourself with some knowledge and call her bs out....and check your phone records......although if she is skilled, it might take a lot more than that for you find the truth behind her lack of affection....although looking from the outside in, what's going on is rather painfully obvious.
    I do admit for a while now I feel like Iím desperate for any crumb of affection but unfortunately crumbs are few and far between also. I am just trying to do my best in doing the right thing or at least in my head it feels like thatís what Iím doing.
    I also know deep down whatís happening From my wifeís point of view and I think I can see what sheís doing to me and out marriage but Iím scared I give up before I should if that makes sense to you.

    The councillor mentioned I should maybe start looking for somewhere to stay mainly because of our daughter. They werenít giving me legal advice knowing if my wife was to move out I think in all honesty my daughter would want to go with my wife so I would be taking my daughters roof over her head and putting her in an unfamiliar home. I donít want to loose my home obviously as I have done so much to it myself with my own hands and itís also full of great memories but I canít bring my daughter into this no matter what.
    I have taken some advice on my home some weeks ago and here in the UK it seems that if my wife or myself for that matter canít afford to keep the home then the bank will demand it to be sold as they wonít allow either to keep it if itís unaffordable.
    I can afford to keep it but my wife canít , Iím sure her family would help her for a period but not the full mortgage term.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by redswim30
    I'm so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, I think your marriage has run its course. It's one thing to go thru a rough patch, but the other person has to WANT to change and to SEEK it, since she is doing neither- she has no desire to change at all. Even if she truly doesn't know WHY she feels this way, she should WANT to seek answers or at least care about you and your feelings, like even a LITTLE bit.

    So- Do you want to live in a loveless (I won't say sexless because it's LOVELESS- refusing to kiss or even TOUCH you is loveless- there are couple that have stopped having sex that still give displays of affection) marriage for the rest of your life OR get divorced and be free to find someone who will actually be a WIFE to you. Let's be real- this woman is now only your wife on paper and all she is doing at this point is using you.

    At this point I would advise you to start making a plan. Do not move out. Just find a good lawyer. Do NOT consent to an open marriage- she would likely just use this against you during divorce proceedings. I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Best of luck to you.
    Thank you.

    Loveless is a better term I suppose because you are correct in what you say, there is nothing loving between us now. She does say she still loves me but I think she has the wrong idea of love for me.
    I hate to admit it but Iím now scared to go near her at all now which I know myself isnít right. Iím saddened I feel this way as I hate Iíve turned into this but itís what she asked of me and I feel my emotions have now been wiped over by her asking of me. Truly rips my heart out that I canít be with her in a loving way as we always enjoyed a cuddle on the sofa now and again or a cuddle in the morning before we got out of bed. Itís unbelievable how much I just want her to do that simple thing.

    Funny you mentioned the open marriage as she did say she wouldnít mind if I done this but for one, I could never ever do that to her and two, I know that would be the final nail in the coffin if I did and there would be absolutely no coming back from this. I was flabbergasted that she even said that to me.

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