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Thread: Friend unintentionally making me feel bad

  1. #1
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    Friend unintentionally making me feel bad

    I donít know how to deal with my best friend. Iíve been having a really hard time lately with my family, friends, health and my job - just seems like everything is falling down around me. I love my best friend but when things are hard for me she is constantly showing off to me how much money she makes and tells me all the time ďhow sheís rolling in itĒ and Iím happy for her I just donít know why she repeatedly has to tell me. Then she also broke up with her bf and every day she is telling me about all these guys that worship her and are asking her out - which again Iím like thatís great and good for her but after a while I start to feel like a real loser - I donít go out much at all - have absolutely no male prospects and have been leading quite a reclusive life lately which she is aware of - but every single day without my asking she tells me of some guy that likes her. I donít know what to do, I canít tell her to stop telling me stuff because sheís my friend but at the same time I feel as though she is rubbing it in and itís making me feel like a loser itís basically all we talk about anymore. I donít know what to do to not feel as bad and enjoy hearing about it, I donít want to be a jealous friend.

  2. #2
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    You actually can tell her to stop telling you things, you can explain how it makes you feel because of your situation. Besides, nobody wants to hear crap like that all the time. Nobody wants to hear someone only talking about themselves with disregard to the listener, and you can either try to explain yourself or you can distance yourself from her.

    You need to focus on yourself and what's best for you. Apparently she's living like a queen, she'll be fine. Get your own life, your health and your mental health in a better position.

  3. #3
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    Usually, when people try to tell you how great they are, itís because they are trying to convince themselves. Great, confident, happy people donít really have time to think about their greatness, they are busy living their lives and just being happy.

    Has she always been like this?

    If she is recently out of a relationship, itís quite possible that she is hurting too and deep-down feeling unattractive and ďworthlessĒ, so sheís trying to talk herself out of it. Itís probably not about you at all.

    If she is an otherwise good friend and this is abnormal behavior for her - I would try to see the behavior for what it is (a cry for validation) and try to be selfless and give her what she needs. I do think itís also totally fair to tell her you are happy for her but to ask her to tone it down a bit for your own sanity.

    If this is just who she is and has always been - she may simply be self-centered, in which case you may wish to re-evaluate the friendship and what YOU are getting from the exchange.

    ... but I would start with compassion, personally.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Therapy to help you sort things out and get some support would be a much better idea than relying on this friend. Is she gloating? Who knows. All you know is that her conversation makes you feel worse so pull back from it.
    Originally Posted by Boo1986
    Iíve been having a really hard time lately with my family, friends, health and my job - just seems like everything is falling down around me. I feel as though she is rubbing it in and itís making me feel like a loser.

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  6. #5
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    Well for one thing if someone excessively talks about how much money they make, how many guys are into them, etc., that does actually sound like boasting and showing off. What makes that worse is that if she knows you've been going through a hard time in life, she should not be doing that. If I know a friend's been having a rough time, I would be conscious of not boasting and going on about how great things actually are for me. Would you say she's supportive? Does she talk only about herself or about you too? I think it's actually OK to say to her: "Hey "friend's name", I am genuinely happy that XYZ is going well for you. But the thing is that you bring it up a lot and considering my situation, it just gets me down". I think it's OK to be honest about how it makes you feel. She should have actually been aware of this anyway so it's probably good to bring it to her attention.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    While I am all for talking about our achievements and success... this sounds over the top. Although I wonder if it's a perception thing as you do feel stuck in life and without prospects lately... is she really talking about it that much or does it just seem like it? Or is it just that when she does you feel insecure? I mean my BF has more money than me and sometimes he talks about the things he wants to buy, and if I am having an insecure day I feel a little pang of jealousy or envy... I don't act on it though as I know that's about my insecurity and sense of entitlement which is my stuff not his, and at the end of the day he is a beautiful person and we do share similar values around money... he just comes from a different place in life than I do.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    She could also be genuinely happy but you're at a low point. That's ok. If both of you are close friends, she may feel that it's ok to be herself with you. Every friendship at some point or another, if you know each other for long enough, will run into some friction or moments where you aren't always on the same page/in sync. I don't think you should take things too personally.

    Right now, distance yourself and refocus. Spend less time going over what she's saying and more time understanding your new changes in your life. Don't be afraid to live within your world and acknowledge all of it. Worry less about offending her if she wonders what's wrong with you. Part of growing is acknowledging new patterns of thinking, new ways of going about things and introducing new routines and practicing your own beliefs.

    It's also healthy to practice some emotional space between friends and family members. You should feel confident in yourself and your own progress or the direction you're going in. Once you start to feel that way, what others say and do in their lives will sound different to you. It won't grate on your nerves so much. All of this is part of being human also. The less you beat yourself up about your low points and get onto the business of living your life, the more fulfilled and grateful you'll be overall.

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    Are you giving her any impression -asking certain questions - to trigger this type of response?? I've been reading a book with my son -it's for kids and how to make friends (yes he has friends, yes I heard about this book and figured why not). Chapter 2 is something like "connect don't impress" -meaning don't brag or try to impress people to get them to be your friend. Maybe say to her "I'm glad things are going so well for you! I'm happy for you! I notice that you've been sharing a lot about how much money you have and how much male attention you're getting and it's not like you to share this much this often - is it something I said or did that made you want to share this much?"

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You need to confront her diplomatically. Tell her that she hurts your feelings whenever she brags and boasts about how good her life is such as subjects regarding money, how guys worship her, ask her out, a guy liking her, etc. Tell her she's rubbing it in while your life is not wonderful.

    Give her a chance to improve her behavior towards you by dialing it way down. If she continues to disregard and dishonor your request to be considerate of you, then it's time to make her an ex-friend.

    Surround yourself with high quality friends. Everyone else is a LOSER.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I've found the more people talk, the less they really have, something is deficient in their lives and they're incredibly insecure.

    The more content people are with their personal lives and monetary comfort, the more silent they are or so I've noticed.

    People who haven't quite made it completely are the loudest. People who are the most affluent and content with their personal lives are the quietest and utter nary a word.

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