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Thread: Friend unintentionally making me feel bad

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I tend to enjoy the idea that I'm 'comforting' someone who feels a need to brag.

    I don't mind being a sounding board for people who want to announce something that makes them happy--especially when I feel lousy about something of my own. It gives me a nice diversion and inspiration. It reminds me that we all have to dig through pits sometimes, but they aren't permanent--they just feel that way.

    Annoyance with a friend is my signal that I'm spending too much time on that person, and I need to expand my focus. Nobody else can force us to do that--it's on us to make smart choices that diffuse our concentration of any given person in our lives. So consider ways that you can widen your scope of interests, and invest in doing that. Find ways to meet new friends. This doesn't mean you'l need to drop this one, it just means that you can reduce time spent with her in favor of exploring elsewhere.

    Seclusion breeds contempt for anything that disrupts a world made too small. Pay attention to that, and make the issue less about the friend and more of a signal to yourself that you can diffuse your focus.

    It's a decision.

  2. #12
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    People like this are....like this.

    No amount of talking to her is going to make a difference. She needs an outlet to whom she can gloat, and you provide her with that ear, so you fulfill her need.

    I have a friend exactly like this. Exactly. Ive had to back way, way off on our friendship, so now I only see her in group settings, very infrequently, and I edit what I tell her. She has now moved to the periphery of my life, rather than being a major presence, so Im not affected by it anymore. And yes, she does have all the money/men/looks that she claims to have, but she uses it to elevate herself. Shes lost other friendships over this, and she just moves on to find new outlets, new people for whom she can brag.

    So, I completely understand your frustration here, and Im sorry to say that there is no easy solution.

    Join meetup groups, explore new interests, find new friends. Move this one to the outskirts of your life, and youll be happier.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    People like this are....like this.

    No amount of talking to her is going to make a difference.
    I agree. Trying to curb someone else's behavior only comes off as controlling--because it is. And in the face of someone's good news, it's not a great look. It can lay a permanent wet blanket on a relationship, and that's unnecessary. YOU can make this as temporary as you choose--by opting for less exposure to this person while you're feeling lousy about their successes.

    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    She needs an outlet to whom she can gloat, and you provide her with that ear, so you fulfill her need.
    Most of us desire and enjoy a friend who legitimately enjoys our good news--so it's up to us whether we want to be that encouraging and safe space for another. On the occasions when we're feeling too fragile to take on the task of building someone else UP, it's important to ask whether you believe that this friend would do the same for you. If not, then what should that tell you about your choice of friendship with this person?

    We all choose our friendships, nobody inflicts them upon us without our consent. If you've chosen to be too close to someone who continually rubs you the wrong way, consider finding more friends, and relegate this person to acquaintance territory.

    Head high.

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