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Date Going Through Hard Time


Kenziequeen

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I met a guy online nearly a year ago and we hit it off but never went on a date. We’ll call him M for anonymity. Fast forward to about two weeks ago, he reaches out to me and we reconnect. We went on a date and I know we both had a good time.

 

I learned that his father recently passed away following months of health problems. I’m not sure exactly how recently but I know his memorial is still being planned.

 

M explained to me after our date that he had thought a distraction might be good for him, but he realized that the planning of his father’s memorial is too emotionally difficult to worry about any kind of relationship. I completely understood this, so I told him we could just text. My secret hope is that one day when he’s feeling better we’ll be able to go out again, which I know is horribly selfish.

 

Should I send M flowers or something like that? I just feel awful that he is so deep in this sad place right now.

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I wouldn't call your hope "selfish." It's human. You went on a date with a guy you thought was cool, would like to see again. Unfortunately, that guy is not in a place to date right now and was honest and respectful in explaining why.

 

Maybe he reaches out when the smoke clears, maybe not. That's that. The fact that he's told you he's not in a place to date right now should make you less interested, not more, in dating him right now. So son't try to secretly cultivate that future through texting him while he's grieving, but just trust that if you're meant to see each other again you will. In the meantime, go back to living your life, meeting others, and all that.

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It is quite probable that he was dating other women in year since you first connected, possibly been in a relationship.

 

With online dating most people are chatting to multiple people at the same time and trying to find their best match possible. If he has waited nearly a year before deciding to meet you, and then told you that he is not interested in a relationship... that tells me that he is just not that into you, whether the dead father thing is true or not.

 

Don't get too invested in this guy. You are already way too attached. Just express condolences and leave him be.

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Disagree.

 

When Iost my mother the last thing I was thinking of was finding a romantic partner.

 

That may be true, but the guy is the one who made contact with her for a date and allegedly had a good time. I think that if he had been into her, he would have just told her he needed some time, but would like to see her again in the future, which he didn't do.

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I did OLD for several years in the past. Never continue communicating with anyone if he has gone more than two weeks without asking to get together. You're wasting your time and emotional energy into a stranger, when you could be out in the world seeking more viable partners. OLD is obviously not working for you, so try other venues. Look at Meetup.com for activities in your area. Join a co-ed sports team. Volunteer at places single guy veer toward like Habitat for Humanity or Environmental Cleanups.

 

Never stick around hoping for a major change like a guy's circumstances will change and he will finally be ready to start up a romance with you. Busy yourself by finding a guy who is ready right now.

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M explained to me after our date that he had thought a distraction might be good for him, but he realized that the planning of his father’s memorial is too emotionally difficult to worry about any kind of relationship.

 

He is emotionally unavailable and telling you he doesn't want a relationship. I don't know how long you have been OLD... in my experience this means he isn't interested.

 

I would simply send him on his way with some kind words... and move on with your life.

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Kenzie, would you please clarify why the both of you didn't meet up earlier?

 

I'd hold the flowers (don't send anything at this time). If you spend time together again, take the passing of his father into consideration. Manage your expectations a little better regarding the circumstances and don't read into things too much. I'd still be interested in knowing why you didn't meet much earlier.

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Flowers would be too much. You don't have that much of a connection. You could send a sympathy card.

 

Since he waited a year, then reached out, I suppose it's possible he might come back later when the angst dissipates. It's not selfish. But you do need to recognize that he's in no place to get into a relationship with you right now.

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Remove rose colored glasses please.... This guy just told you to your face that he only reached out to you to use you and once done, promptly told you he isn't looking for more. Not only that, but it took him a year, aka he finally ran out of better options, to reach out to use you. This is not a prize catch or prince charming, although I have no doubt he was quite charming on your date, as these types tend to be. Write him off and toss him into the trash can.

 

Assuming that the father story is even true, no do not send anything. You are strangers and it would incredibly weird and desperate on your part. After one date, don't start acting like a gf.

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Yes, sending flowers is a very gracious gesture and your way of expressing your condolences. Most definitely.

 

I remember when my father passed away. It took many months for me to feel some semblance of normalcy and truth be told, actually, it took a few years before past memories of him began to blur. I'm not saying it will take years for you to reconnect with M, however, be prepared for any length of time before he is ready to resume contact with you.

 

I would back off with texting and let him be the rhythm whether electronic communication ebbs and flows. His emotional state is like a train wreck right now and will be for a long time. He is grief stricken and there's nothing to be done about this except to give the bereft a lot of SPACE and time. In other words, back off because it shows respect to give others their space and time.

 

Should he reach out to you on his own accord, then follow his lead. Emotional people are unstable and highly sensitive. It's best to stay out of his way until he comes around one day and then you'll have to be prepared to walk on eggshells for awhile. Hopefully, not too long though. You never know.

 

Do the right thing and leave him alone. When he's ready, he'll be receptive and hopefully resume dating. Until then, exercise discretion.

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This guy has been aloof and on the fence both times you encountered each other, both times, him backing off. I really don't think you should hold out a whole lot of hope for this one. Nothing came about the first time, and nothing is coming about the second time. If you desire to lob texts and be a pen pal, okay, but don't get yourself wrapped up in him. Pursue your life and pursue other relationships. Sorry to be a downer, but I really don't hold out much hope for this one. When things don't take off the first time, the outcome is rarely different the second time, and what makes you think the third time will be any different? So you want to give it a try, you never know, but again, don't put to much stock in it.

 

Flowers are too much. Maybe a card. Text if you want. I suspect he likes the idea of a relationship, but actually having one is another story, or maybe he's playing the field or already in a relationship...maybe his life is just too messy, and will it ever resolve? You're on round two with this guy and it's falling flat a second time...don't get wrapped up in a maybe.

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To recap - a guy who blew you off for a year, then reconnected for one date but the word "relationship" is already in your description and you seem very caught up in this stranger's life while feeling "awful" about what he's going through. Slow down. You may want to take a time to reflect if you are someone who may be on the needy or desperate for a relationship side of things. You don't know this guy. Give things time to see who he really is.

 

In the meantime, it sounds like you acknowledged the situation with condolences through returning his text, that is more than enough. A passing of a family member is difficult not only for the funeral or memorial planning but also all of the post-responsibilities that often come up as well. Let things be, hopefully you have other prospects to date than be caught up on everything going on with this one date guy.

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Well, it is possible that he did just catch up with you to distract himself from his troubles and it could be that he's not that interested/emotionally unavailable. Definitely don't send the flowers because if he's not interested, it could come across as too full-on and make him feel awkward and like he owes you something. I think it is OK to send your condolences but try to play it cool. You could say something like: "I had a fun time with you but I totally understand that you're going through a hard time right now. I'm sorry about your loved one's death. I'd be happy to hang out again when you're ready". But after that I think you just have to leave it. You can show him that you're mature and are going to give him space. It's a good impression to give. After that it's up to him if he wants to contact you or not. Don't contact him again because he's asked for some space and the ball is in his court.

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There's no way I'd pre-message someone for a month, muchless a year. That's just fantasy-building with someone who lives inside his head. Skip that. Set up a bunch of quick coffee meets on your way home from work to meet men who are actually invested in dating for the same reasons you are. Check one another out for 15 to 30 minutes with an agreement that neither can corner the other into accepting a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, if not, then no response is necessary.

 

Get out of your own head and into real life with people who are willing to meet you there. This guy does not qualify.

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