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Scapegoating


Camber 2019

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Has anyone even been, or is currently a victim of scapegoating by their own family? lt's terrible, no matter how much you tell yourself it's not you, they still somehow are able to get to you. And even though, in the worst cases, no contact is the only solution, it's so difficult to do that with your entire family! The guilt! O-M-G!

 

Looking for any help/advice I can get!

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Are the the black sheep? 🐏🐑

Has anyone even been, or is currently a victim of scapegoating by their own family? lt's terrible, no matter how much you tell yourself it's not you, they still somehow are able to get to you. And even though, in the worst cases, no contact is the only solution, it's so difficult to do that with your entire family! The guilt! O-M-G!

 

Looking fro any help/advice I can get!

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If you were asking if I am the black sheep... well, only in that I am the only one that points out strange family behaviors that they claim don't exist. So yes, I am!

 

Yes! Been there done that. And while you're the scapegoat, they'll gaslight you to death! I've come to the conclusion that whenever people make you to be the scapegoat and gaslight in order to smash you to bits, it is mental illness at its finest. In this case, I simply stay away. Far away. It's called enforcing healthy boundaries.

 

Should my paths cross with them on rare occasions, all I can do is remain civil yet maintain my safe distance. Whatever works.

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Such as? 👽👹👺🤠🤡

 

In a nutshell, being chastised since I moved away for my career in the early 80's. They all resent it and have always treated me and my (fill in the blank: girlfriend, wife, son...) like 2nd class citizens. When I bring it up, they deny and try to make me feel like I'm crazy. Then they all get together and decide what they are going to say to me, and I get barraged...

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Yes! Been there done that. And while you're the scapegoat, they'll gaslight you to death! I've come to the conclusion that whenever people make you to be the scapegoat and gaslight in order to smash you to bits, it is mental illness at its finest. In this case, I simply stay away. Far away. It's called enforcing healthy boundaries.

 

Should my paths cross with them on rare occasions, all I can do is remain civil yet maintain my safe distance. Whatever works.

 

YES! Thank you. But when I distance myself I get all kinds of guilt trip messages, sisters telling me I'm "killing my parents". :eek:

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My mother and her siblings scapegoat each other (my mother does it with her children too). I limit my interaction and keep a safe distance. :eek:

 

I know, right? Both of my Parents have always scapegoated their siblings and talked very nasty about each and every one of them (of course the siblings they were falling out with changed from week to week).

 

Recently my sisters ganged up on me (once again) and ostracized me from the family because I attempted to tell them how I felt. They spun this so well with my parents that my parents blamed me and tried to make me feel guilty for "tearing the family apart". I told my parents I had good teachers as they had been at odds with their own siblings ever since I can remember. They flat out denied it, told me I was wrong, ad demanded that I apologize to my sisters! :eek:

 

Look at my age... I'm the youngest! Adult children at their best!

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YES! Thank you. But when I distance myself I get all kinds of guilt trip messages, sisters telling me I'm "killing my parents". :eek:

 

I used to get the same type of crap as this. You need to develop a thick skin and learn to let it roll off of you, and dont let them get to you. Various family members did the same to me. I came to the conclusion they were jealous that I had the incentive and desire to get the hell out of Dodge to be somewhere I wanted to be and do what interested me. If your family doesnt like your career, that's their problem. Dont let it be yours. I've spent my life living how I want to live, the naysayers can just take a long walk off a short dock because I dont care. It's all about boundaries and if some people need to be removed from your life, then that's what you do!

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I know, right? Both of my Parents have always scapegoated their siblings and talked very nasty about each and every one of them (of course the siblings they were falling out with changed from week to week).

 

Recently my sisters ganged up on me (once again) and ostracized me from the family because I attempted to tell them how I felt. They spun this so well with my parents that my parents blamed me and tried to make me feel guilty for "tearing the family apart". I told my parents I had good teachers as they had been at odds with their own siblings ever since I can remember. They flat out denied it, told me I was wrong, ad demanded that I apologize to my sisters! :eek:

 

Look at my age... I'm the youngest! Adult children at their best!

 

That stinks...

 

You opened yourself up emotionally and were shunned for it.

 

I wouldn't invest any further in trying to get them to see it from your point of view since they obviously aren't capable of introspection.

 

There is nothing wrong with limiting your interaction with them. Preserving your own emotional wellbeing is for YOU, not them.

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My mother is queen of the guilt givers!!!!

She has been married 5 times, my childhood was hell, to the point where I had to go through very expensive trauma counselling.

We have exchanged letters on why I am not the loving wonderful Daughter she expects me to be (this is my Sister, they are co-dependant.)

It has gotten to the point where I will see her at birthdays & Xmas, and that is it.

She rang me constantly one day, to the point where I had a panic attack, I have never had one before, it was frightening.

I have blocked her on my phone, and I am at peace with that.

 

A lot of posters on here will not like my decisions, but if you havent lived with a toxic parent you have no idea of the damage they cause.

 

Take care Camber xx

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My mother is queen of the guilt givers!!!!

She has been married 5 times, my childhood was hell, to the point where I had to go through very expensive trauma counselling.

We have exchanged letters on why I am not the loving wonderful Daughter she expects me to be (this is my Sister, they are co-dependant.)

It has gotten to the point where I will see her at birthdays & Xmas, and that is it.

She rang me constantly one day, to the point where I had a panic attack, I have never had one before, it was frightening.

I have blocked her on my phone, and I am at peace with that.

 

A lot of posters on here will not like my decisions, but if you havent lived with a toxic parent you have no idea of the damage they cause.

 

Take care Camber xx

 

Awwww, sorry to hear that, but yes... unless you are a scapegoat, I don't think you can understand. Panic attacks, guilt.. being made to feel responsible for your own parents/siblings immaturity and insecurities. As the strong ones, the sane ones.. we take on ALL the guilt!

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The larger the family, the more drama. At least that's been my experience. I think it just comes with the territory. How many siblings?

That and you mentioned you moved away? Are the rest of them in close proximity?

Isn't said that the person who doesn't show up to dinner is the one who gets talked about?

 

Yes, the rest are close and expect me and MY family to be at EVERY STINKING FAMILY get together... no one has visited me in over 10 years... I used to go up to see them at least 6-12 times per year.

 

They don't visit me because "it's such a long drive". Hmmmm it's just as long for me!

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I know... I have a hard time when my Mother starts up with the guilt. They've done a number on me.

 

I'm sorry Camber 2019. :upset: I hear you. It's hard for me, too.

 

What helps me is to think it's their problem. They're the ones who are insecure, therefore, they have no qualms pummeling you. Generally, content, secure people don't go out of their way to ruin your day(s). Remember, misery loves company.

 

In your mind, learn to walk away and if you can physically walk away, do that.

 

I tend to drastically limit contact with difficult types. They'll come around eventually. When they do, this is the time when you can be cautiously brief and frostily distant while remaining civil and peaceful. This is what I do and it works splendidly. I hope this strategy works for you, too. Hang in there.

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Yes, the rest are close and expect me and MY family to be at EVERY STINKING FAMILY get together... no one has visited me in over 10 years... I used to go up to see them at least 6-12 times per year.

 

They don't visit me because "it's such a long drive". Hmmmm it's just as long for me!

 

I'm sorry, that is not fair. What do they say when you speak to them about their lack of visits?

 

I too, had to travel across country, as my parents and brother lived in AZ.

 

What do they accuse you of? What will you do?

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I'm sorry, that is not fair. What do they say when you speak to them about their lack of visits?

 

I too, had to travel across country, as my parents and brother lived in AZ.

 

What do they accuse you of? What will you do?

 

Anytime I bring anything up it gets denied, and they get defensive and try to make me feel guilty for daring to say anything about their perceived perfect family!

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Well, I probably would not bring it up again, and pull back on the visits. If they say something, then tell them that they also need to visit . Fair is fair. That can't dispute that they are not visiting you. If they start up with their nonsense, tell them that you need to go. Show them with action, that you will not indulge the argument. as the words are getting you nowhere.

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