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Thread: Scapegoating

  1. #21
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Thank you, and yes, we are def the strong ones !!!!!

    My mother told me once that one of my Sisters was the "nice one", one was the "generous one", and I was the "hard hearted b***h"...... says it all really :-(

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    I know... I have a hard time when my Mother starts up with the guilt. They've done a number on me.
    I'm sorry Camber 2019. I hear you. It's hard for me, too.

    What helps me is to think it's their problem. They're the ones who are insecure, therefore, they have no qualms pummeling you. Generally, content, secure people don't go out of their way to ruin your day(s). Remember, misery loves company.

    In your mind, learn to walk away and if you can physically walk away, do that.

    I tend to drastically limit contact with difficult types. They'll come around eventually. When they do, this is the time when you can be cautiously brief and frostily distant while remaining civil and peaceful. This is what I do and it works splendidly. I hope this strategy works for you, too. Hang in there.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    Yes, the rest are close and expect me and MY family to be at EVERY STINKING FAMILY get together... no one has visited me in over 10 years... I used to go up to see them at least 6-12 times per year.

    They don't visit me because "it's such a long drive". Hmmmm it's just as long for me!
    I'm sorry, that is not fair. What do they say when you speak to them about their lack of visits?

    I too, had to travel across country, as my parents and brother lived in AZ.

    What do they accuse you of? What will you do?

  4. #24

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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I'm sorry, that is not fair. What do they say when you speak to them about their lack of visits?

    I too, had to travel across country, as my parents and brother lived in AZ.

    What do they accuse you of? What will you do?
    Anytime I bring anything up it gets denied, and they get defensive and try to make me feel guilty for daring to say anything about their perceived perfect family!

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  6. #25
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    Well, I probably would not bring it up again, and pull back on the visits. If they say something, then tell them that they also need to visit . Fair is fair. That can't dispute that they are not visiting you. If they start up with their nonsense, tell them that you need to go. Show them with action, that you will not indulge the argument. as the words are getting you nowhere.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Use Aikido on them.👘 Let them think they are perfect and fall on their own weight.
    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    Anytime I bring anything up it gets denied, and they get defensive and try to make me feel guilty for daring to say anything about their perceived perfect family!

  8. #27

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Use Aikido on them.👘 Let them think they are perfect and fall on their own weight.
    LMAO!!! So true!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    Anytime I bring anything up it gets denied, and they get defensive and try to make me feel guilty for daring to say anything about their perceived perfect family!
    I've been through this so many times I've lost count. You need to play smart, Camber 2019. Don't broach topics which will cause their ire. Learn to bite your tongue and look the other way as hard as this is to do. There are times when it's best to simply keep your mouth shut otherwise WW3 will ensue and was it worth it? Is it ever worth the fight and war with words? I doubt it.

    Naturally, people become defensive and the most wicked tactic of all is their gaslighting you until you feel defeated which is exactly their intent!

    There is no such thing as the perfect family and if there is one, then there are problems with relatives, extended relatives and in-laws. You have to pick your battles.

    I've learned that it's better to be non-confrontational. Once you know a person's personality and character, you have to navigate yourself very shrewdly and prudently otherwise you'll infuriate them. In other words, I'm sorry to say, you have to walk on eggshells with a lot of people in order to keep the peace.

    What helps me is to shut it off. I became very unemotional and have since learned to feel disconnected with certain members of my family tree. I feel numb. Should our paths cross, I limit contact while remaining civil yet frostily distant. You need to back off a lot. You do whatever it takes to maintain peace.

    You don't need to prove your point because should you attempt to constantly bring anything up, you'll only get pummeled. If you want to feel like a winner, your mind needs to be more aloof and arrogant. It's a way to protect yourself.

    You can't control others, however, you can control yourself. Be cool, don't engage and go your own way in life. Change the way you think. You can have the upper hand if you play your cards right. This is what I do. Take the passive-aggressive route.

    I agree with Aikido. Another tactic is Judo which is the passive-aggressive route. Never deplete your own energy. Use your opponent's struggle and weight in order for them to eventually flip, fall hard on their backs and land with a hard thud while you never break a sweat. I do this all the time and it works wonders.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It's best to stay away with people who will never give you respect. Stop reaching out, trying to prove your point because you will only fall on deaf ears. Give up on people easily. They're not worth your time, energy and resources. Just keep the peace and transfer focus away from them onto yourself and what makes you happy.

    Change the way you think and your philosophy regarding your life and what will give you the most peace of mind.

  11. #30

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    It's best to stay away with people who will never give you respect. Stop reaching out, trying to prove your point because you will only fall on deaf ears. Give up on people easily. They're not worth your time, energy and resources. Just keep the peace and transfer focus away from them onto yourself and what makes you happy.

    Change the way you think and your philosophy regarding your life and what will give you the most peace of mind.
    Thanks Cherylyn! This is so true. We all need to think of ourselves, because if we are unwell, those that matter to us the most will suffer.

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