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Thread: Saving my marriage, please help

  1. #1

    Saving my marriage, please help

    Found out about 3 weeks ago that my husband had a sexting, chatting relationship with a woman from Holland and some random guys on chatting websites.
    He states he was bi-curious and wanted to know how men felt during sex. He reads gay stories on porn websites. He assured me he does not want to have sex with a man physically.
    The woman from Holland he called to chat and said she made him feel wanted sexually. He seems genuine when I ask him questions about the situation but for obvious reasons I have major trust issues. I am sad and confused. Our sex life was non-existant for a while and we did not communicate.
    Since I found out about the flings, sex has been good and we communicate like never before.
    We have been marries for 24 years and we do love each other but am I doing the right thing by trying to save our marriage?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Ok the first thing to do is to get to a doctor for a complete physical. Stop having sex immediately until your test results come back. Be frank about what is going on and ask for tests for blood borne and sexually transmitted diseases. What you uncovered and what he admits to may or may not be the whole story. Err on the safe side.

    Next get a referral to a therapist to unpack, sort and wrap your head around all this. Remember that marriage and sex are not about being politically correct. It's about what is right for you. No you're not "doing the right thing to save your marriage", you are compromising yourself for a cheater.
    Originally Posted by motheroboys
    He states he was bi-curious and wanted to know how men felt during sex.
    Since I found out about the flings, sex has been good and we communicate like never before.
    am I doing the right thing by trying to save our marriage?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Adults tend to do more than just talk. So yes please, for your own safety and well being, get checked up and sex should be completely off the table right now until you both figure out where to from here. Asking him what he has and hasn't done is futile. Cheaters lie and minimize even when caught red handed. What he "swears" to you doesn't hold water. So the better question is knowing what you already know - is this acceptable to you? I'll emphasize acceptable or not, because acceptable doesn't mean loyalty and fidelity going forward, it means he'll continue to be who he is and do what he does either with your permission and knowledge or without (because a large part of cheating is the thrill from duping you).

    Saving the marriage in this case boils down to you accepting his cheating ways and the risk he puts your health into and constantly trying to keep him interested in you while you lose sleep every time he isn't in your sight..... Does that sound like a good life for you?

    Btw...there is a great blog on dealing with this called chumplady.com she also has a book Dump a Cheater Gain a Life. You might want to peruse the advice there on how to deal and how to open your eyes to the issues you are facing.

  4. #4
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    What you are seeing is the tip of the iceberg. It's not just you that needs to work things out. And I guarantee this is not the first time for him.

    You need to figure out together what happened to your sex-life. Having sex is a great start, but you have to figure out what got you both to that point, and how to never get back there. I would think after 24 years, plenty of complacency on both parts.

    It took me probably over a year to not feel beyond angry about it, and I let him know that whole time. When I found out, a bunch of things happened that led to meeting with a divorce attorney. Filled my paperwork out, paid my retainer, and I was things were being done to get temporary custody of the house and kids. I decided to put a hold on things. He went to therapy for a while. Can I say things are different? I don't know. Do I think he'll do it again? I don't know. Do we still love eachother? Yes. I think after 24 years, see what he brings to the table as far as trying to work things out, and it's okay to take one day at a time.

    And really think and take stock; is this the worst thing he's ever done, and can you learn to live with it? And if the answer is yes, forgive and move on, just make sure you always keep a hand on all your financial records, his finances and monetary accounts, stocks, savings, investments, property, etc. Take screen shots of everything just in case you need it for court. Are you able to look through all his emails, texts, etc any time you need to? Has he stopped talking to the woman? Has he stopped chatting with the others?

    If you can't live with it, then that's your answer. It doesn't make you a bad person or a selfish person; fidelity is something you deserve.

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  6. #5
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    He is a cheater.

    If he was curious about the habits of gay men, he could have read a scientific study or a Pew research poll, not break trust in your marriage by emotionally cheating, at the very least.

    Please go see a marriage counselor AND a personal therapist just for you to go solo, different from your marriage counselor.

    You say the sex is better, but it could be short lived. He could have gotten scared and its an act, or he may go back to his ways. I would not decide things are fixed.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    am I doing the right thing by trying to save our marriage?
    Yes you are but I think you both need to get yourselves into marriage counselling to help you both to figure out why you were both so apathetic to your marriage that you didn't delve into communication to the nth degree to figure out why your sex life was "non-existent."

    You have to have help with communication, learning how to trust, how he has to learn how to be trustworthy so you can regain trust and for him to figure out if he is indeed bi-sexual and if he wants to pursue that. No sense working on your marriage if this curiosity of his is going to be an elephant in the room between the two of you.

    I don't agree that you should stop having sex seeing that its picked up and will help you both get the emotional connection and the bond back between the two of you but you prolly should get std tested just to be sure you're both okay.


    Good luck. I hope you can keep your long standing marriage together... marriage therapy is one way you will up the odds that this all will work out for the two of you. If it doesn't work out in the long run, then at least you know you did everything to try and save the union.


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