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Thread: I think we're in a downward spiral with no future direction

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hope this does't come out wrong, but I've generally found that when we are frustrated by someone who "just wants control" it's because we are frustrated that we have lost control—that we "just want control" we feel we're entitled to.

    You are describing a power struggle, with a child in the middle. This might feel like that right now, and you may be prone to viewing life's challenges through that lens, as may she, but in reality it is not. It is two people, both on wobbly ground, trying to raise a child.

    If you can't see it like that, all humanity is lost. You sound like someone determined to "win," but there is no winning here, or even losing. It may very well be that all empathy between you two is lost, that you are each incapable of seeing the other as a human being rather than an adversary. If that's the case, the best steps—for you, her, and your child—are figuring out a non-romantic co-parenting arrangement. If you have any interest in something else, you need to adjust your outlook, to let go of the power-grab narrative, the win-loss narrative, and get back to the human narrative.

  2. #12
    Bronze Member a_lifters_life's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I hope this does't come out wrong, but I've generally found that when we are frustrated by someone who "just wants control" it's because we are frustrated that we have lost control—that we "just want control" we feel we're entitled to.

    You are describing a power struggle, with a child in the middle. This might feel like that right now, and you may be prone to viewing life's challenges through that lens, as may she, but in reality it is not. It is two people, both on wobbly ground, trying to raise a child.

    If you can't see it like that, all humanity is lost. You sound like someone determined to "win," but there is no winning here, or even losing. It may very well be that all empathy between you two is lost, that you are each incapable of seeing the other as a human being rather than an adversary. If that's the case, the best steps—for you, her, and your child—are figuring out a non-romantic co-parenting arrangement. If you have any interest in something else, you need to adjust your outlook, to let go of the power-grab narrative, the win-loss narrative, and get back to the human narrative.
    For me its not a power struggle at all. I want the best for T, but i cannot have <any> relationship with T because of my wife. I literally see him for 30 mins when I get done work, and on weekends the past 3 months shes primarily been away with him.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It is very hard to relinquish care of your child sometimes even to the father . But I would stop fighting about her family with her family don’t even bring up her family . She’s running to them because you were always fighting about them .

    But what you are describing is pretty common for couples with a child for the first time . It takes about a year to sort your life out after you have a child. I wanted no intimacy I mean none nothing nada . Don’t touch me don’t look at me for about four months because I had a lot of physical trauma and mental trauma . I was exhausted from breast-feeding every two hours 24 hours a day . My son was really high maintenance and special needs . And I wanted no grief whatsoever just care . Then when he was 15 it was kind of when we started getting our life back .

  4. #14
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life


    With all that said, I recently went to do my first psychologist appt yesterday to discuss this all further. Keep in mind this is my first appt with this particular doctor, and the doctor suggested I either divorce her or separate at the least. The doctor further mentioned that there were way too many problems to solve in something like marriage counseling (and this doctor is a marriage counselor) when I asked her if marriage counseling might help us.
    I wasn't there but I don't believe any doctor would or could ethically say such a thing.
    Certainly not after talking to you for a mere 50 minutes.

    Talk to another therapist. Either you misunderstood or this one's wack.

    Though uncomfortable and sometimes challenging, your issues are pretty text book actually. Adjusting to the demands of new a baby and readjustments in intimacy happen to almost every couple. I find it hard to believe any professional would simply tell you to get a divorce.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Damn. So cussing out her mother and getting on your wife's case for giving hand-me-downs without His Highness' consent didn't butter her up? I say that only partially to be an ass. Between your history prior to the kid and the events that have transpired since, it just baffles me you're so unaware that you think the baby popping out is somehow the straw that broke the camel's back.

    Look, I'm not happy that you essentially can't be the kid's father during the weekends, but you've forced her to choose between you and her family. So she chose you on the weekdays and her family on the weekend. And honestly, she sounds checked out. I think this feeling is much more mutual than you believe it to be. It may be best to take advantage of his period of apathy to negotiate the best interests of your child and co-parenting separately before it turns into animosity.

    But do feel free to throw marriage counseling out there as a Hail Mary. Whenever there's a kid involve, I do think all options should be exhausted before making such an impactful life decision for him or her.

  7. #16
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    Your wife just had a baby. Literally. Less than 16 weeks ago. Breastfeeding makes her feel "overtouched" and not in the mood. a 6-10 baby came out of her vagina. It takes time to feel normal again and her hormones are messed up. Having a baby dependent on you is a radical change....and your concern is sex?? If something that big came out of your wiener or your rear, you would NOT feel like being intimate either. You should appreciate your wife for the life she has brought forth (with your help, obviously), but still, and do what you can so she gets the rest she needs instead of acting like a toddler fighting for attention with a new baby in the home

    And guess what -- emotional tension makes women want sex less so if you are picking fights with her parents, that's a definite libido killer.

    Yes, having a baby makes the parents feel like they are coworkers for awhile vs lovers. Things will change. but it takes time.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    For me its not a power struggle at all. I want the best for T, but i cannot have <any> relationship with T because of my wife. I literally see him for 30 mins when I get done work, and on weekends the past 3 months shes primarily been away with him.
    So you spend time with T AND your wife. When T is walking around, there will be more time to spend one on one without your wife present, but now, since T depends on your wife for nourishment, you aren't going to get much "one on one guy time" with a less than 4 month old baby. You can catch up about the day with her while she is breastfeeding. Its not a "i need to spend time with my son alone" deal at this point. If you are not so set on winning, you may do better

  9. #18
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Going against the grain here, I think it's wrong of her to be taking off every weekend with the baby. I think it's wrong she berates him. I think it's wrong she's using the baby as a pawn in her passive aggressive resentment towards him.
    She can be as angry, tired, whatever, and maybe she has some good reasons. But he's the father. He gets equal say.. She does not get ultimate authority over baby simply because she is mom and breastfeeding.
    I believe him that she's using the kid as a way to try and gain control.
    OP has reacted badly in the past, but she does undermine him. The foundation here has rot. There isn't trust in each other, understandably.

    I don't think, even though I've not been a mom, this is normal having a kid issues. I think having a child would test the strength of what is already there, and for them, the foundation was already cracked. So this just puts more pressure on it, and they are both reacting to that.

    Still not ok for her to try and use the kid as a means of punishing him and strengthening herself. It's a baby. Not a pawn.
    And for all OP has done, he's never tried to put a wedge between her and the baby. She's doing that with him, and it's not right.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    Going against the grain here, I think it's wrong of her to be taking off every weekend with the baby. I think it's wrong she berates him. I think it's wrong she's using the baby as a pawn in her passive aggressive resentment towards him.
    She can be as angry, tired, whatever, and maybe she has some good reasons. But he's the father. He gets equal say.. She does not get ultimate authority over baby simply because she is mom and breastfeeding.
    I believe him that she's using the kid as a way to try and gain control.
    OP has reacted badly in the past, but she does undermine him. The foundation here has rot. There isn't trust in each other, understandably.

    I don't think, even though I've not been a mom, this is normal having a kid issues. I think having a child would test the strength of what is already there, and for them, the foundation was already cracked. So this just puts more pressure on it, and they are both reacting to that.

    Still not ok for her to try and use the kid as a means of punishing him and strengthening herself. It's a baby. Not a pawn.
    And for all OP has done, he's never tried to put a wedge between her and the baby. She's doing that with him, and it's not right.
    Yes, I agree with this.

  11. #20
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    I think he should defer to her and go with her to her family on weekends or at least reach a compromise. It could be they help her a lot or simply provide emotional support they need. I am a bad example because my husband was gone 2-3 days a week starting when the baby was 2 weeks old, for business trips (I knew this in advance) so he already didn't see our son for at least 2 days a week and this increased with business travel. But we made plans together and if we weren't together it was because one of us was giving the other person a break of some sort (I could not breastfeed therefore he could feed the baby). I'd want to know if she is motivated to have him spend time with the baby (meaning motivation for the weekends- even if more than one -and why he is not going). I was extremely motivated -it was a given-never thought about it in any other way so that might be where the issue is.

    I do think a postpartum mother who breastfeeds especially -and the baby is still in the "4th trimester" as they call it -gets more veto power, more say in time spent with the baby, and she needs care more than the father, all else equal. But if she doesn't want him to spend time with or bond with their son that's a whole different ball of wax and that's only going to continue even past this newborn/infant stage- that's what needs to be addressed because it informs a lot of her choices and behavior/reactions.

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