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Thread: Invite to funeral

  1. #1
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    Invite to funeral

    My partner's close family member just passed away. I didn't know him but I met his adult daughter.
    I am not sure if he will ask me to support him at funeral.
    Somehow I would feel left out if his friends will be there but not me.
    Is it wrong to think that?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you do not feel comfortable going to the service simply send condolences to your partner. It's not about you. Never use grief as a dating barometer.

  3. #3
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    This is a time to be completely other centered. He is grieving. So is his family. Your focus -no matter what you feel -feelings are just feelings I'm referring to your actions - your actions should be focused on supporting him in the way he would like to be supported even if that means giving space. Can you send a donation to a charity the deceased supported or are contributions being sought? Can you drop off a care package with him or his family if they are busy with attending the funeral or with funeral arrangements?
    Feel left out if you feel that way. But make sure you don't react to those feelings in any way that shifts the focus away from being a support -again even if support means simply giving space and being there to listen if he cares to share.

    Yes he might invite friends and not you. And you might feel icky about that. Imagine how much more icky your boyfriend and his family feel about losing a close family member.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Did you just start dating him? I don't get why you don't feel a comfort level to just ask him, "Do you want me to go to the funeral with you?" When my co-worker died, my husband came with me, even though he'd only met her once, and I liked having him there with me at the memorial service.

    If your bf gives excuses why you shouldn't go, just take it as him having a different viewpoint on things so respect his decision.

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  6. #5
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    Thank you.
    I feel slightly embarrassed....it is certainly not a time to be selfish.

    I would love to go and support him. Even if I were to seat at the back so that he knows I am there. I don't want him to think he has to worry about me not knowing anyone.
    I thought if you are close with your partner, you want them to be there.
    If I cannot support him then so when ?
    Also I do want to be there for him. Whats best way to do it ? There is a fine line between making feel someone neglected and giving a space.

  7. #6
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    I will ask him what would be his preference. How best can I support him without being overbearing.
    He was busy arranging things so I had no chance to talk about it as of yet. However, I caught myself thinking that I will feel resentment if he will tell me not to come.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why haven't you sent the appropriate people the appropriate condolences? Prayer card, food basket, flowers, whatever? Why is it about seeing him as if it's date or some sort of social event?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What the others are saying. Nothing about this moment—nothing—has anything to do with you or your relationship. Him inviting you to the funeral wouldn't mean anything about how he feels about you, just as him not inviting you wouldn't. Those are choices he'll make in grief, and to grieve, as he sees fit. All you can do is support that, and feel for him.

    And, of course, you can feel whatever you feel: anxious, confused, left out, happy to be included or annoyed if friends are invited and you're not. But all that is your business, feelings that will pass through you. Don't make them your compass. Instead remind yourself that this moment has nothing to do with you, and that anything you're feeling right now is a shadow of what he, and his family, are processing.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Thank you.
    I feel slightly embarrassed....it is certainly not a time to be selfish.

    I would love to go and support him. Even if I were to seat at the back so that he knows I am there. I don't want him to think he has to worry about me not knowing anyone.
    I thought if you are close with your partner, you want them to be there.
    If I cannot support him then so when ?
    Also I do want to be there for him. Whats best way to do it ? There is a fine line between making feel someone neglected and giving a space.
    I just don't relate. Why the shoulds and expectations?? People react to losses like this in all sorts of ways. For example my sister just will not attend funerals (yes she attended our father's graveside service and our cousin's funeral so she does make exceptions). People need support at this time in all sorts of ways. Not just how you think he should.

    The line is this - you don't neglect him. You let him know "I am here with you to support you in any way that works for you." With you not "for you" -be with -be his partner -not his mother, not someone who tells him how to feel who tells him how he should let you support him.

    If you are close with your partner you hope your partner, if he/she doesn't know what you need will be able to tell you what they need at tough times especially when he/she is asked in a caring and open ended way.

    That is how I would be there for him if I were you.

  11. #10
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    We all hate to hear the phrase "It's not all about you", but the reason we hate to hear it is because it is so very true.

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