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Thread: Invite to funeral

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Be sure to not make this about you.

    It's not about you. Losing a parent makes all kinds of emotions come to the surface, oftentimes regret, and a profound sense of loss.

    The worst thing you could do is be all "but what about MEEEEEE???!!!"

    If you can't resist making it about you (worrying that his friends will wonder where you are!!!!), at least don't voice it to him or his friends.
    I agree. And you continue to assume that just because you wanted him physically close he wants you physically close in a funeral situation. He's not you, you're not him and if you want a relationship with him one of the caring things you can do is address his needs in the way he feels comfortable - learn about what he needs rather than assuming his needs match yours.

    And at some point you have to decrease or stop reacting to "what will his friend's think?" I didn't attend my mother in law's funeral because my husband and father in law decided it would be too much for me to take our young son out of state for a week on such short notice. I was ready to do whatever they wanted. My husband read a eulogy I wrote and i watched the funeral online. But I am sure certain friends and family members didn't know all the facts and judged me for not being there. But I had to do what my family wanted and what was best for my family. And prioritize that over "what will people think"

  2. #42
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    I really struggle with the fact that he didn't need me around. If not now than when ? He didn't contact me much over the weekend.
    I called to check on him. I asked if he would like me to attend funeral.
    He said that most probably this will be family event.
    I said I understood. I don't think these appropriate circumstances to introduce me to family members I didn't meet.
    Besides some may remember him with his ex and may not be updated that they are no longer together or that he has someone new.
    I get that part.
    I do struggle to understand why in difficult times he doesn't need me around. Does that mean he treats us casually ?
    I took your advices and I acknowledged that this is not the time to check in and discuss relationship matters. However, in a few months I would need to evaluate this relationship and ask some questions.

  3. #43
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    You're still making this about you.

    When a close family member dies, it's not the time to expect him to be focusing on how it affects YOU. In fact, it doesn't affect you other than being ready and willing to provide whatever support he asks for.

    Good luck bringing up the topic in the future, when you ask him "remember when your close family member died and you didn't pay attention to ME!!!???" That's go over just great.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This is not about your self esteem. This is not another measurement of whether he is into you or not. This not an opportunity to meet his family. This is not a date. This is not a party. It Is A Funeral. Someone Died.

    Stay busy with friends, since you refuse to send condolences, flowers, fruit, whatever to him or his family or actually Do something appropriate and comforting. It's bizarre that his family member dies and you want him to comfort You, no?
    Originally Posted by irka000
    I really struggle with the fact that he didn't need me around.
    I called to check on him. I asked if he would like me to attend funeral.
    He said that most probably this will be family event.

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  6. #45
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    I think I see this as togetherness in sorrow. Why am there if is all rosy but not when is really bad ?
    I want to show that I am not afraid of tough times and I don't need to be around him only when he is cheerful.
    I want him to know that he can be himself and suffer a front of me. Doesn't need to be strong and unmoved all the time
    Wiseman always appreciate your input and trust me I offered to do shopping and send some food. He was grateful but declined.
    His borther lives in another country. I met another brother but no idea where he lives.
    I arranged for the flowers to be send.
    So not all bad.

  7. #46
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    Boltnrun I do see your point. Thank you

  8. #47
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    I think I see this as togetherness in sorrow. Why am there if is all rosy but not when is really bad ?
    I want to show that I am not afraid of tough times and I don't need to be around him only when he is cheerful.
    I want him to know that he can be himself and suffer a front of me. Doesn't need to be strong and unmoved all the time
    Wiseman always appreciate your input and trust me I offered to do shopping and send some food. He was grateful but declined.
    His borther lives in another country. I met another brother but no idea where he lives.
    I arranged for the flowers to be send.
    So not all bad.
    I don't know what to say, Irka, that hasn't been said. What I see, above, is you using a death in his family, and how he processes that death, as a gauge for how "into you" he is. You have an idea of who you want him to be, in grief, and are frustrated that he is not being that man for you, depriving you of some kind of reward or the realization of an idea of a relationship that you crave. You have a movie in your mind—call it "Togetherness In Sorrow"—and you sound very annoyed at him not sticking to your script.

    Wanting a reward for selflessness, whether it's him crying on your shoulder or announcing to the world that you are his forever partner, is simply selfish. Understandable and human, sure, but also selfish.

    Simply put, this is not the time for this. You have three issues here: your own much-documented insecurity, your own doubts, percolating since December, that you are with a man who is not into you, and this man presently grieving a death of a loved one. Separate them, don't blur them, while recognizing that, right now, the latter eclipses the former two. It just does.

    You support someone through grief simply by being there, and accepting them in whatever shape they are in, not the shape that makes their grief more soothing to you. They may be cold, they may be hot. They may cry, they may be stoic. And so on and so forth. They may want to talk to you daily, or not talk to you for a week, and they may change their disposition suddenly. That is grief, humanity at its rawest. It is not a verdict on you.

  9. #48
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    I think I see this as togetherness in sorrow. Why am there if is all rosy but not when is really bad ?
    I want to show that I am not afraid of tough times and I don't need to be around him only when he is cheerful.
    I want him to know that he can be himself and suffer a front of me. Doesn't need to be strong and unmoved all the time
    Wiseman always appreciate your input and trust me I offered to do shopping and send some food. He was grateful but declined.
    His borther lives in another country. I met another brother but no idea where he lives.
    I arranged for the flowers to be send.
    So not all bad.
    Instead of physical togetherness think of it as support during sorrow -support in the way the suffering person needs it which might be physical togetherness or something else. Today my husband wanted a hug before he left for a loooong and stressful day of work. Sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes I offer one if he seems to need one. I actually do my best to give him a wide berth lately when he's getting ready for one of his longer days of work or a business trip, etc. I find that that is the most supportive to him so he can focus on what needs to get done and not feel like he has to pay attention to me. I let him call the shots as to what he needs as far as togetherness at those times.

    I'm glad your boyfriend appreciated your efforts re: the offer of food.

  10. #49
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    Thank you all so much.
    Blue castle you made me shed a tear of embarrassment. Thank you for this.
    I do need to change my ways and not see things through my eyes only. Wiseman and Boltnrun thank you for opening my eyes, again.
    Last edited by irka000; 09-23-2019 at 01:32 PM. Reason: Errors

  11. #50
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    I think you are seeing it in this way because there's an undercurrent here of you thinking he is not as into you as you are into him so you continue to look for signs that he is into you, that he sees potential for the long term. I don't think you are necessarily like this in general, you are just reacting to your insecure feelings. The problem is when you subject him to your insecure feelings by wanting him to act/react in a certain way to prove he is into you.

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