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Invite to funeral


irka000

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This is a time to be completely other centered. He is grieving. So is his family. Your focus -no matter what you feel -feelings are just feelings I'm referring to your actions - your actions should be focused on supporting him in the way he would like to be supported even if that means giving space. Can you send a donation to a charity the deceased supported or are contributions being sought? Can you drop off a care package with him or his family if they are busy with attending the funeral or with funeral arrangements?

Feel left out if you feel that way. But make sure you don't react to those feelings in any way that shifts the focus away from being a support -again even if support means simply giving space and being there to listen if he cares to share.

 

Yes he might invite friends and not you. And you might feel icky about that. Imagine how much more icky your boyfriend and his family feel about losing a close family member.

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Did you just start dating him? I don't get why you don't feel a comfort level to just ask him, "Do you want me to go to the funeral with you?" When my co-worker died, my husband came with me, even though he'd only met her once, and I liked having him there with me at the memorial service.

 

If your bf gives excuses why you shouldn't go, just take it as him having a different viewpoint on things so respect his decision.

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Thank you.

I feel slightly embarrassed....it is certainly not a time to be selfish.

 

I would love to go and support him. Even if I were to seat at the back so that he knows I am there. I don't want him to think he has to worry about me not knowing anyone.

I thought if you are close with your partner, you want them to be there.

If I cannot support him then so when ?

Also I do want to be there for him. Whats best way to do it ? There is a fine line between making feel someone neglected and giving a space.

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I will ask him what would be his preference. How best can I support him without being overbearing.

He was busy arranging things so I had no chance to talk about it as of yet. However, I caught myself thinking that I will feel resentment if he will tell me not to come.

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What the others are saying. Nothing about this moment—nothing—has anything to do with you or your relationship. Him inviting you to the funeral wouldn't mean anything about how he feels about you, just as him not inviting you wouldn't. Those are choices he'll make in grief, and to grieve, as he sees fit. All you can do is support that, and feel for him.

 

And, of course, you can feel whatever you feel: anxious, confused, left out, happy to be included or annoyed if friends are invited and you're not. But all that is your business, feelings that will pass through you. Don't make them your compass. Instead remind yourself that this moment has nothing to do with you, and that anything you're feeling right now is a shadow of what he, and his family, are processing.

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Thank you.

I feel slightly embarrassed....it is certainly not a time to be selfish.

 

I would love to go and support him. Even if I were to seat at the back so that he knows I am there. I don't want him to think he has to worry about me not knowing anyone.

I thought if you are close with your partner, you want them to be there.

If I cannot support him then so when ?

Also I do want to be there for him. Whats best way to do it ? There is a fine line between making feel someone neglected and giving a space.

 

I just don't relate. Why the shoulds and expectations?? People react to losses like this in all sorts of ways. For example my sister just will not attend funerals (yes she attended our father's graveside service and our cousin's funeral so she does make exceptions). People need support at this time in all sorts of ways. Not just how you think he should.

 

The line is this - you don't neglect him. You let him know "I am here with you to support you in any way that works for you." With you not "for you" -be with -be his partner -not his mother, not someone who tells him how to feel who tells him how he should let you support him.

 

If you are close with your partner you hope your partner, if he/she doesn't know what you need will be able to tell you what they need at tough times especially when he/she is asked in a caring and open ended way.

 

That is how I would be there for him if I were you.

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Thank you, this makes a perfect sense. It is certainly not some social event but very delicate and painful celebration of life of the family member.

Whatever he wants I will certainly do and remove any selfish thoughts.

 

No need to remove thoughts or feelings -it's futile -simply self-talk and choose how to react to those thoughts. I felt like yelling at my child the other day out of frustration. But I did not yell and nor did I try to remove the thought or feeling of frustration and desiring to yell. Same thing.

 

Agree with Camber that you have the right idea. We support by learning how the other person needs support. My husband and I need support in different ways in different situations so I don't use myself as the standard or what he should wants. I do my best to learn how he would feel most supported -sometimes by asking and sometimes by observing and sometimes a combo or other ways.

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I just wanted to add... I’ve never been “invited” to a funeral. It’s one of those things where people just put the information out there as to where and when it is, and people either show up or they don’t. People who are grieving certainly don’t have the time or emotional energy to put together an “invite list”. They aren’t thinking of other people. They are thinking of themselves and their families (as they should).

 

This is a time to be selfless.

 

I would simply say “I would love to be there for you and your family. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to attend? Or do you want that time alone with your family?”

 

... and truly, honestly, be ok with the answer either way.

 

I agree with the others. It’s not a barometer of the relationship. People grieve in different ways. The best way to be supportive and loving is to ask what he wants and not to have hard feelings either way. If he needs space and you actually give it to him with no fuss or fall-out, he will appreciate you for it much more.

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I just wanted to add... I’ve never been “invited” to a funeral. It’s one of those things where people just put the information out there as to where and when it is, and people either show up or they don’t. People who are grieving certainly don’t have the time or emotional energy to put together an “invite list”. They aren’t thinking of other people. They are thinking of themselves and their families (as they should).

 

This is a time to be selfless.

 

I would simply say “I would love to be there for you and your family. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to attend? Or do you want that time alone with your family?”

 

... and truly, honestly, be ok with the answer either way.

 

I agree with the others. It’s not a barometer of the relationship. People grieve in different ways. The best way to be supportive and loving is to ask what he wants and not to have hard feelings either way. If he needs space and you actually give it to him with no fuss or fall-out, he will appreciate you for it much more.

 

Good point and here maybe she wants to make sure that if she attended she'd be a support. I remember when my friend's father died suddenly many years ago. I asked my friend how I could help and she asked me -or someone asked me -to call some people we knew to tell them about the funeral. No Facebook or internet back then. I called one of our old college friends and she refused to attend because our friend hadn't called her personally to tell her about her father's death. Oh my goodness. My friend had just lost her father suddenly! I was dumbfounded but of course did my part in relaying the information. Sorry to tangent - your post reminded me of this.

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You are all saying not to measure relationship by him wanting me there or not. However, I can't help but wonder if two people are close it should almost be obvious that they attend a funeral on either side.

There is a possibility that his ex will be there ...

 

Obvious to you. He is grieving. So is his family in this case. People react to these terrible losses in different ways. Why does it matter if his ex is there?

I am also saying that there are broader concerns here if you need to measure the relationship by whether he wants you at a funeral for a family member.

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Unless it's a private funeral, you should go if you want to. Sit at the bank, be polite and respectful. It's not about you.

 

Yes as long as you were told the details -i wouldn't go if you only know the details by looking on the internet or a general FAcebook post since it is your boyfriend -if he or his family member didn't personally share the details I might not go.

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You are all saying not to measure relationship by him wanting me there or not. However, I can't help but wonder if two people are close it should almost be obvious that they attend a funeral on either side.

There is a possibility that his ex will be there ...

 

I'm assuming this is the same man that you've been skittish about since December? If so, I understand why you're feeling the way you do right now, since it's a way you've felt plenty in this relationship: unsure of things, unsure how he feels about you, unsure about other women in his life, nervous it's coming apart at the seams, looking for indirect means of gauging things or soothing those jitters.

 

Still, this is not the time to indulge all that. It just isn't. If my girlfriend was unsure about me, say, she wouldn't do either of us any favors of trying to talk to me while I was weaving through traffic on my motorcycle at 70 mph. Trying to use grief as a yardstick, or a time to "check in," is like trying to get clarity from someone who has just been run over by traffic.

 

I think you have two things in front of you right now that you are conflating into one thing: a partner you are uncertain about and a partner who is grieving. Time to woman up and separate those things, putting the uncertainty on the back burner and the grieving on the front. That means being there, now, in whatever way he wants you there. That means being very big by being very tiny. It means being who you want to be, as a human, to other humans who are hurting, not who you want to be (or him to be) in a fairytale romance.

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You are all saying not to measure relationship by him wanting me there or not. However, I can't help but wonder if two people are close it should almost be obvious that they attend a funeral on either side.

There is a possibility that his ex will be there ...

 

This situation is not too dissimilar to getting upset about not being invited to a wedding when your new-ish significant other is IN the wedding. (But much worse)

 

When my niece passed away, my bf at the time - (who didn’t already know everyone) attended the funeral (he knew my family and had stayed with them and had Xmas with them). But even then - it was awkward. I ended up kind of “abandoning” him with one of my good childhood friends who he had never met. They were both realllllly good sports about it.

 

I was basically at my sister’s beck-and-call. Handing out wine. Refilling the refreshments. Finding so-and-so because they had to do something. Running to the store because they forgot this and that. Chatting with people who stopped me along the way to express their condolences or reminisce. I basically didn’t have time for my bf AT ALL and I felt extremely guilty about that. Not to mention - it’s totally awkward to introduce him to people when everyone is grieving. It’s like... they want to be happy for you... but it’s such a sad moment... and they don’t want to be all Debbie-downer.. so it cuts the conversation short.

 

If he wants to avoid all that awkwardness and pressure - I think it’s just that. I think you can BOTH love someone and see a future with them and want to get married and have babies, etc. - but also want to wait for a happier time to introduce and to just focus on what needs to be done for a few days.

 

He’s busy. He’s grieving. I think adding relationship pressure when he’s just trying to survive and get through the day is a bad idea.

 

If the ex shows up, they show up. I’m sure they won’t be making out in the back room....

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I suppose I see what you mean. I've not had to think of this before and was present at funerals for my partners' relatives. I might have wondered briefly if I was being left out too if I was told it was a family-only event but I think I would have understood. I've been at one funeral that I wish I hadn't. It really wasn't appropriate for me to be there but did my best to blend in and remain sympathetic to the family. It was an unexpected death during a trip and I wasn't prepared. They were keenly aware that my presence was a bit odd but wanted me there. I think they felt embarrassed that I had to be a part of it. I felt very badly for everyone and the family as I did know the relative and was spending time with that relative just days before.

 

I'd take this with a grain of salt and do whatever they want you to do. Just oblige what he says and let things happen. Be a source of peace and strength for them during this time.

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So I have another anecdote to share. Many years ago my friend's mother died of cancer. It was awful. She had a week long mourning period where people could come to her house to give their condolences. She'd met her new boyfriend a handful of times, he'd never met the family, they met through a dating site. He showed up every single evening for the condolence call. She told me she so appreciated him being there because he hung out, talked to people, didn't try to distract her (she was busy speaking to the visitors, etc and of course grieving terribly). He just showed up. No expectations.

They've been married over 10 years. I remember her telling me she was concerned about "abandoning" him when he came to pay his condolences but she was so relieved to see how he just took care of himself. It's one reason she knew he was the one. When I met him he struck me as such a thoughtful and giving person.

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I'm assuming this is the same man that you've been skittish about since December? If so, I understand why you're feeling the way you do right now, since it's a way you've felt plenty in this relationship: unsure of things, unsure how he feels about you, unsure about other women in his life, nervous it's coming apart at the seams, looking for indirect means of gauging things or soothing those jitters.

 

Still, this is not the time to indulge all that. It just isn't. If my girlfriend was unsure about me, say, she wouldn't do either of us any favors of trying to talk to me while I was weaving through traffic on my motorcycle at 70 mph. Trying to use grief as a yardstick, or a time to "check in," is like trying to get clarity from someone who has just been run over by traffic.

 

I think you have two things in front of you right now that you are conflating into one thing: a partner you are uncertain about and a partner who is grieving. Time to woman up and separate those things, putting the uncertainty on the back burner and the grieving on the front. That means being there, now, in whatever way he wants you there. That means being very big by being very tiny. It means being who you want to be, as a human, to other humans who are hurting, not who you want to be (or him to be) in a fairytale romance.

 

God, I love it when I’m not the only one who remembers posters or picks up on these things.

 

Brilliant post as usual blue.

 

Irka you keep attempting to use us as a pacifier.

 

You have got to get a real handle on your anxiety and insecurities, it’s almost been a year of what appears to be you white knuckling your way through this relationship, this can’t be fun.

 

Again I ask, what happened to you seeking professional help, you stated you were looking into it.

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