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Thread: Invite to funeral

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    You are all saying not to measure relationship by him wanting me there or not. However, I can't help but wonder if two people are close it should almost be obvious that they attend a funeral on either side.
    There is a possibility that his ex will be there ...
    This situation is not too dissimilar to getting upset about not being invited to a wedding when your new-ish significant other is IN the wedding. (But much worse)

    When my niece passed away, my bf at the time - (who didnít already know everyone) attended the funeral (he knew my family and had stayed with them and had Xmas with them). But even then - it was awkward. I ended up kind of ďabandoningĒ him with one of my good childhood friends who he had never met. They were both realllllly good sports about it.

    I was basically at my sisterís beck-and-call. Handing out wine. Refilling the refreshments. Finding so-and-so because they had to do something. Running to the store because they forgot this and that. Chatting with people who stopped me along the way to express their condolences or reminisce. I basically didnít have time for my bf AT ALL and I felt extremely guilty about that. Not to mention - itís totally awkward to introduce him to people when everyone is grieving. Itís like... they want to be happy for you... but itís such a sad moment... and they donít want to be all Debbie-downer.. so it cuts the conversation short.

    If he wants to avoid all that awkwardness and pressure - I think itís just that. I think you can BOTH love someone and see a future with them and want to get married and have babies, etc. - but also want to wait for a happier time to introduce and to just focus on what needs to be done for a few days.

    Heís busy. Heís grieving. I think adding relationship pressure when heís just trying to survive and get through the day is a bad idea.

    If the ex shows up, they show up. Iím sure they wonít be making out in the back room....

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I suppose I see what you mean. I've not had to think of this before and was present at funerals for my partners' relatives. I might have wondered briefly if I was being left out too if I was told it was a family-only event but I think I would have understood. I've been at one funeral that I wish I hadn't. It really wasn't appropriate for me to be there but did my best to blend in and remain sympathetic to the family. It was an unexpected death during a trip and I wasn't prepared. They were keenly aware that my presence was a bit odd but wanted me there. I think they felt embarrassed that I had to be a part of it. I felt very badly for everyone and the family as I did know the relative and was spending time with that relative just days before.

    I'd take this with a grain of salt and do whatever they want you to do. Just oblige what he says and let things happen. Be a source of peace and strength for them during this time.

  3. #23
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    So I have another anecdote to share. Many years ago my friend's mother died of cancer. It was awful. She had a week long mourning period where people could come to her house to give their condolences. She'd met her new boyfriend a handful of times, he'd never met the family, they met through a dating site. He showed up every single evening for the condolence call. She told me she so appreciated him being there because he hung out, talked to people, didn't try to distract her (she was busy speaking to the visitors, etc and of course grieving terribly). He just showed up. No expectations.
    They've been married over 10 years. I remember her telling me she was concerned about "abandoning" him when he came to pay his condolences but she was so relieved to see how he just took care of himself. It's one reason she knew he was the one. When I met him he struck me as such a thoughtful and giving person.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I just don't relate. Why the shoulds and expectations??
    .
    I donít know if youíre familiar with her posting history but if you took a peak, I have no doubt it would make perfect sense to you

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm assuming this is the same man that you've been skittish about since December? If so, I understand why you're feeling the way you do right now, since it's a way you've felt plenty in this relationship: unsure of things, unsure how he feels about you, unsure about other women in his life, nervous it's coming apart at the seams, looking for indirect means of gauging things or soothing those jitters.

    Still, this is not the time to indulge all that. It just isn't. If my girlfriend was unsure about me, say, she wouldn't do either of us any favors of trying to talk to me while I was weaving through traffic on my motorcycle at 70 mph. Trying to use grief as a yardstick, or a time to "check in," is like trying to get clarity from someone who has just been run over by traffic.

    I think you have two things in front of you right now that you are conflating into one thing: a partner you are uncertain about and a partner who is grieving. Time to woman up and separate those things, putting the uncertainty on the back burner and the grieving on the front. That means being there, now, in whatever way he wants you there. That means being very big by being very tiny. It means being who you want to be, as a human, to other humans who are hurting, not who you want to be (or him to be) in a fairytale romance.
    God, I love it when Iím not the only one who remembers posters or picks up on these things.

    Brilliant post as usual blue.

    Irka you keep attempting to use us as a pacifier.

    You have got to get a real handle on your anxiety and insecurities, itís almost been a year of what appears to be you white knuckling your way through this relationship, this canít be fun.

    Again I ask, what happened to you seeking professional help, you stated you were looking into it.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems you still feel upset about being excluded from his life in many ways. I have never received an 'invitation' to a funeral, sitting Shiva, etc. It's not a party. People pay respects in appropriate ways. For example going to a wake or sending food, etc.. The most you should say to him is 'let me know if there is anything I can do". However consult whatever religious/cultural situation and do what is customary.

    Has he reached out to you? No? Then let him and his family be in peace. Why are you not even sending the appropriate condolences? Maybe if you do the appropriate thing, you'll hear from him. Is that fact that he may be busy with this upsetting you? Do not contact him and force him to tell you what is appropriate.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I donít know if youíre familiar with her posting history but if you took a peak, I have no doubt it would make perfect sense to you
    Oh I was and I was treating this as a standalone because it's a perfect example of when -if you want to be a giving person - you focus on the other person and being a support at a time of loss rather than her focus (even in one of the last posts when she was back to "isn't it obvious that a partner would want you there/his ex might be there" stuff). I know and read the other posts and figured I could contribute more by asking her to focus on this particular type of experience that unfortunately many partners go through -the loss of a loved one.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Oh I was and I was treating this as a standalone because it's a perfect example of when -if you want to be a giving person - you focus on the other person and being a support at a time of loss rather than her focus (even in one of the last posts when she was back to "isn't it obvious that a partner would want you there/his ex might be there" stuff). I know and read the other posts and figured I could contribute more by asking her to focus on this particular type of experience that unfortunately many partners go through -the loss of a loved one.
    Ya, I saw that as I read more, thanks for elaborating 😊

  10. #29
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    He showed up every single evening for the condolence call. She told me she so appreciated him being there because he hung out, talked to people, didn't try to distract her (she was busy speaking to the visitors, etc and of course grieving terribly). He just showed up. No expectations.
    This is beautiful. I am sure most people would appreciate a selfless friend that showed up to be supportive without expecting anything in return.

    Ask him for the details of the funeral, and then show up without expectations. If he explicitly says he doesn't want you there then respect his wishes and don't take it personally.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Ask you partner if you can attend with him so you can pay your respects. The worst he can say is no. If he declines your attendance, then back off and don't make an issue of this. Give everyone space and a lot of time to grieve and mourn.

    There are times when the best thing to do is to stay out of other people's way. They're too consumed and overwhelmed with their bereft state.

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