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Thread: Invite to funeral

  1. #11
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    Thank you, this makes a perfect sense. It is certainly not some social event but very delicate and painful celebration of life of the family member.
    Whatever he wants I will certainly do and remove any selfish thoughts.

  2. #12
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    There you go Irka! I think you have the right idea now! :-)

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    Thank you, this makes a perfect sense. It is certainly not some social event but very delicate and painful celebration of life of the family member.
    Whatever he wants I will certainly do and remove any selfish thoughts.
    No need to remove thoughts or feelings -it's futile -simply self-talk and choose how to react to those thoughts. I felt like yelling at my child the other day out of frustration. But I did not yell and nor did I try to remove the thought or feeling of frustration and desiring to yell. Same thing.

    Agree with Camber that you have the right idea. We support by learning how the other person needs support. My husband and I need support in different ways in different situations so I don't use myself as the standard or what he should wants. I do my best to learn how he would feel most supported -sometimes by asking and sometimes by observing and sometimes a combo or other ways.

  4. #14
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    I just wanted to add... I’ve never been “invited” to a funeral. It’s one of those things where people just put the information out there as to where and when it is, and people either show up or they don’t. People who are grieving certainly don’t have the time or emotional energy to put together an “invite list”. They aren’t thinking of other people. They are thinking of themselves and their families (as they should).

    This is a time to be selfless.

    I would simply say “I would love to be there for you and your family. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to attend? Or do you want that time alone with your family?”

    ... and truly, honestly, be ok with the answer either way.

    I agree with the others. It’s not a barometer of the relationship. People grieve in different ways. The best way to be supportive and loving is to ask what he wants and not to have hard feelings either way. If he needs space and you actually give it to him with no fuss or fall-out, he will appreciate you for it much more.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    I just wanted to add... I’ve never been “invited” to a funeral. It’s one of those things where people just put the information out there as to where and when it is, and people either show up or they don’t. People who are grieving certainly don’t have the time or emotional energy to put together an “invite list”. They aren’t thinking of other people. They are thinking of themselves and their families (as they should).

    This is a time to be selfless.

    I would simply say “I would love to be there for you and your family. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to attend? Or do you want that time alone with your family?”

    ... and truly, honestly, be ok with the answer either way.

    I agree with the others. It’s not a barometer of the relationship. People grieve in different ways. The best way to be supportive and loving is to ask what he wants and not to have hard feelings either way. If he needs space and you actually give it to him with no fuss or fall-out, he will appreciate you for it much more.
    Good point and here maybe she wants to make sure that if she attended she'd be a support. I remember when my friend's father died suddenly many years ago. I asked my friend how I could help and she asked me -or someone asked me -to call some people we knew to tell them about the funeral. No Facebook or internet back then. I called one of our old college friends and she refused to attend because our friend hadn't called her personally to tell her about her father's death. Oh my goodness. My friend had just lost her father suddenly! I was dumbfounded but of course did my part in relaying the information. Sorry to tangent - your post reminded me of this.

  7. #16
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    You are all saying not to measure relationship by him wanting me there or not. However, I can't help but wonder if two people are close it should almost be obvious that they attend a funeral on either side.
    There is a possibility that his ex will be there ...

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    You are all saying not to measure relationship by him wanting me there or not. However, I can't help but wonder if two people are close it should almost be obvious that they attend a funeral on either side.
    There is a possibility that his ex will be there ...
    Obvious to you. He is grieving. So is his family in this case. People react to these terrible losses in different ways. Why does it matter if his ex is there?
    I am also saying that there are broader concerns here if you need to measure the relationship by whether he wants you at a funeral for a family member.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Unless it's a private funeral, you should go if you want to. Sit at the bank, be polite and respectful. It's not about you.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Unless it's a private funeral, you should go if you want to. Sit at the bank, be polite and respectful. It's not about you.
    Yes as long as you were told the details -i wouldn't go if you only know the details by looking on the internet or a general FAcebook post since it is your boyfriend -if he or his family member didn't personally share the details I might not go.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    You are all saying not to measure relationship by him wanting me there or not. However, I can't help but wonder if two people are close it should almost be obvious that they attend a funeral on either side.
    There is a possibility that his ex will be there ...
    I'm assuming this is the same man that you've been skittish about since December? If so, I understand why you're feeling the way you do right now, since it's a way you've felt plenty in this relationship: unsure of things, unsure how he feels about you, unsure about other women in his life, nervous it's coming apart at the seams, looking for indirect means of gauging things or soothing those jitters.

    Still, this is not the time to indulge all that. It just isn't. If my girlfriend was unsure about me, say, she wouldn't do either of us any favors of trying to talk to me while I was weaving through traffic on my motorcycle at 70 mph. Trying to use grief as a yardstick, or a time to "check in," is like trying to get clarity from someone who has just been run over by traffic.

    I think you have two things in front of you right now that you are conflating into one thing: a partner you are uncertain about and a partner who is grieving. Time to woman up and separate those things, putting the uncertainty on the back burner and the grieving on the front. That means being there, now, in whatever way he wants you there. That means being very big by being very tiny. It means being who you want to be, as a human, to other humans who are hurting, not who you want to be (or him to be) in a fairytale romance.

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