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Thread: In limbo

  1. #1
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    In limbo

    Hi,
    So, I'm in a solid, committed relationship.

    Thing is, he is committed to living at home so he can help his mom. She is largely independent, but she needs a little help with some day to day things. In the last 4 years I have spent more time at his home than I have my own. I still live at home, too, at 37. We couldn't afford to live in this area (my city or his).

    I'm tired of the commute. It's only 20 minutes. This dividing my life between 2 houses is getting to me. There isn't room for me to live there and I don't want to live in that city, anyway. I always kind of thought I would get married to someone and we would live somewhere else. Somewhere away from the city, away from this level of traffic and people. He has agreed he wants that, too.

    We've talked about marriage. He has been mentioning it more after I said something about not wanting to wait for his mother to die before we could get married. It's so horrible and morbid to think about that. I don't want to. So he's talking about getting married and continuing to live in 2 houses. I struggle to get my mind around that, though.

    I'm in this psychological uproar now. My gut reaction is that I don't want to live in 2 houses indefinitely. It doesn't solve the consideration of what would have to happen before I can NOT be commuting almost every day, and so we could move away. Could be moments away or another 20 years.

    Mentally screaming. Frustration. Dam dam dam. I don't want to hurt him and I know him, it would be world shatteringly hard for him if I ended things. I've been there, it sucks so terribly bad. I am scarred from that experience and he would be too. I know him. It would be worse and remembering my experience and the tears I still shed sometimes, it's hard to imagine what worse would feel like.

    I'm so uncomfortable now. It's a safe, solid relationship for the most part. I'm wondering if this is the beginning of the end or can I come to terms with the limbo to stay. He's talking about getting a bigger bed (a twin is very small for 2 average adults). Last week he talked about rings. I feel great pressure to figure this out before it causes damage or he actually _asks me._

    Someone I barely know asked me if anything is wrong yesterday. My interest in food is off. I'm having trouble focusing on anything.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    If this guy really wants to be with you he would be finding help for his mother from an outside source. You dont say what kind of help mother needs, but there are things like Meals on Wheels and other resources for seniors who need just a bit of help. There are house cleaning services too. This can be resolved if he really wants to. I think it's an excuse on his part and that he doesnt really want to leave mom.

    You both could also consider a home for you two that is 10 mins away from where you live now and where mom is.

    If he is going to wait until mother dies, you may be waiting a long time.

    I have a friend who is 60 yrs old and lives with his 85 yr old mother. It's convenient for him, she pays the bills, he does help around the house, he and his sister do the cleaning once a week. He's waiting for mom to die as he thinks he will inherit the house. Maybe yes, maybe no. Your guy sounds like this guy.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You are not in a 'solid, committed relationship.' There's nothing solid or committed about attempting to have a relationship at your age when you're still living with parents and not making any immediate plans to do what's necessary for a meaningful connection.

    Are both your salaries not enough to maintain even a small apartment? If not, you need to either move yourselves out of this expensive city or cut your losses and move on by yourself. He'll survive.

  4. #4
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    First off, I think it's commendable of your BF to want to be there for his mother in her time of need and for you to support him in that. Imagine if the tables were turned and you had to take care of a parent, the parent of course is going to take precedence as a parent should.

    If, however, the relationship between them is an unhealthy one (ie: he's a mama's boy and she pressures him to be by her side, or he doesn't want to take responsibility for life, or he's using her as an excuse to stay home and reap the benefits) that would be different. I was in that situation once. The mother wasn't ill, just needy, and relied on my ex far too much instead of her own husband. It took me a long long long time to see that and call it quits.

    A colleague of mine was in a relationship with a man who still lived with his estranged wife because she was dying. They had wanted to get a divorce, had zero attraction for each other anymore, but he knew she didn't have much time left and he thought he at least owed it to her to take care of her until end of life. In the meantime, he fell in love with my colleague through their mutual club activities, and my colleague could do nothing to change the situation. Eventually the ex-wife passed, and now my colleague and this man are happily married and living in a home together. It's not a mother-son situation, but it's similar in the sense that they were divided between 2 houses and someone was dying. Not an ideal situation, I'm sure it was confusing for her as well.

    It's definitely difficult dividing your life between 2 houses long-term and it shouldn't have to be that way -- but sometimes life happens like this, so you need to go after the low-hanging fruit. If the lowest fruit that you can afford is buying a bigger bed, then BUY IT. Having a space where the two of you can sleep together is much cheaper than paying for extra help for the mother. But then the question is: are you willing to live at his house, with his ailing mother? You'll likely be expected to lend a helping hand. If you're okay with a situation like this, then yes, your relationship is probably solid and marriage-worthy. This is what cultures do all the time: the whole family lives in a compound together and supports each other. A married couple usually moves in with the man's family.

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  6. #5
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    Must be a local thing, for a relationship to even start in this situation, because in the Northeast US region, a guy living with his parents is a big red flag, and interacting with his parents on a daily basis, is an almost guaranteed let's just be friends. And no one cares about the details, it's the finish that counts. Disregard the 4 years thing, none of that matters, people come and go without skipping a beat. If you are going to go start dating anew, either move to an area where you can afford to live by yourself, or do something, because I'm telling you, no one cares about the why, it's whether you live alone or not.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It doesn't sound like you've made peace with the living situation between the both of you. Perhaps you secretly wished it would progress to a house with a picket fence and some privacy (perhaps not the exact image of this but something along those lines where privacy is preferred). If this is a dream of yours, it's best to recognize it and be realistic with yourself.

    I think you should go on to pursue what matters most to you. It doesn't lessen the love we have for someone but it does mean that you do need to adult through your dreams and desires and learn to live a more fulfilling life. It doesn't make you less of a person learning to walk away from someone who doesn't help you fulfill those personal dreams.

    What may be questionable, on the other hand, is imposing your dreams or ideals on someone else who is not in a position to have the same dreams as you. Take your time and think it through, talk it out together. Give each other the time of day and the seriousness that this deserves. Go from there.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Wants are like farts in the wind.....

    You are both in your late 30's, at least you are OP....yet you are both living and acting like teenagers. Your reality is that it's taken 4 years to finally buy an adult bed for the two of you despite you practically living there daily..... I mean..... You talk about moving away into the country, yet you are complaining about a 20 minute commute.... Do you realize that living out in the country or anywhere on the outskirts of pretty much means that your short commute to anything will be roughly an hour. You can't afford even a small one bed or studio apartment for the two of you, yet you are talking about buying a house.....so on what money? Do you have funds for that? Speaking of money....his mother isn't getting younger, she is getting older which means she will need more care not less. If he moves out, can he afford to pay for her care? What about your own aging parents?

    You seem to have a lot of wants and are very very frustrated, but what can you personally do differently in your life to achieve those wants? Also, stop bottling it all up, talk to him directly. Not about wants, but what actions you can take and before you do that.....you need to sit down with yourself be realistic about your life, his life, your options and obligation, his life and obligations and finances and overall viability of what you want.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is this the norm in your culture? That you live with parents until married and then the spouse moves in? He's doing a lot of talking but what is it you would like to do? Live with your parents or his?
    Originally Posted by myalien

    Thing is, he is committed to living at home so he can help his mom.
    I still live at home, too, at 37. We couldn't afford to live in this area

    he's talking about getting married and continuing to live in 2 houses.

    He's talking about getting a bigger bed

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd ask myself, "Since this is the most that this guy will offer--no less, but no more beyond a ring--do I want to say or go?" If the answer is stay, then here you are. All hopes beyond this are out the window. If the answer is go, I'd break up and leave the door open.

    I'd say, "I love you and can picture us together in the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we still think highly of one another. I want an independent, private life with a husband who wants the same. If you ever decide that you want the same, and you've arranged care for your Mom and want to try living together, your can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, we're best off pursuing our own goals, and for me, that doesn't include living in two places."

    This liberates you from limbo and allows you to move forward to seek your own independence from YOUR parents. It opens your life to eventual dating and finding someone who's invested in the same kind of future you want. If ex ever grows beyond his mama's boy state, he can let you know, but that needs to come from him--not from pressure from you. Otherwise, you can't trust that he wouldn't just resent you, which would kill the whole relationship regardless of where you live.

    Skip that, leave BF to figure out his own life, and if he ever decides he wants you in it in a way that matches your vision, great. If not, then you'll thank yourself for growing beyond a stage of catering to someone else's stunted life.


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