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Thread: Chatting for 3 weeks and this message

  1. #1
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    Chatting for 3 weeks and this message

    I havenít responded, but am shocked to receive this message from someone I met off a serious dating site. We chatted for 3 weeks and met once and were planning to meet again. My gut reaction is not to respond. Itís too bad heís responding to the situation. Iíd be more than supportive and see him through this situation.

    "Hey sorry for the late reply. Iím heavily distracted with work. Unfortunately my company had just revealed that we are having funding issues and we had a 1st round of layoff. Iím still employed but will need to focus on getting a new job soon. Could we please put our correspondence on hold (not sure temporarily or permanently)? Unfortunately, I may not be able to spend time to develop relationships....Iím really sorry. I admire your commitment to your family and in pursuing this relationship, but I cannot offer the same. Iím sorry again 😔."
    Last edited by heartbroken84; 09-18-2019 at 02:43 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Let go. He's being very respectful. You'll thank him for that message later once this blows over. Continue to meet others on the dating site and please don't wait three weeks chatting with someone before you meet someone. Chat for one or two days, maximum one week, and then meet the following weekend or on a day off between the both of you. Don't prolong meeting someone in person. You'll have less of a notion built up in your head of what someone is and hopefully have a more down to earth idea of that person as a real person. This is just a suggestion, not a hard and fast rule.

    Regarding your header, I don't think you've been dating for three weeks if it was just one date. Be a bit more realistic there. It will help you in this whole dating thing. It can become draining if you don't learn how to manage your expectations or be realistic.

  3. #3
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    Your gut reaction is wrong.

    I am not sure why you are so shocked and seemingly offended. He sent you a perfectly respectful, clear and (probably) honest message. It is very self-centered and entitled of you to somehow be offended by it.

    Let's look at the top two likely scenarios here:

    1) He is telling the truth. He is seriously concerned for his career. As a man, his career should be his priority, what a man does and his role in society pretty much defines him, it is perfectly normal and expected for him to be stressed about potentially losing his job, having to transition to a new one. Given that he mentioned "your commitment to your family and pursuing this relationship", he probably correctly assumes that you want your relationship to be a priority for him. He cannot give you that at present, if he is job hunting he probably does not even know where he will be (geographically) in a few months. He is dealing with so many uncertainties and stresses, so he has honestly told you that he cannot focus on building a serious relationship with you... He met you just once and you guys messaged each other for three weeks, he is not even your boyfriend. What more do you expect?! What do you think he owes you? He has in fact behaved far more respectfully than the majority of people from online dating, who would just ghost you, fade away, string you along or straight up ignore you.

    2) He might not be all that into you, or you came on too strongly/intensely, and he was just looking for something casual, or at least slow paced, so he is lying to let you down gently. If this is the case, again, what has he done that is so wrong and shocking? Okay it is dishonest, but it is dishonesty for a kind reason.

    In either case, the reasonable thing to do is to say. "Okay, I understand. I hope your job situation settles down soon. Maybe we can connect again if we are still single at that point." Or if you really want to (but not recommended) add something like, "I want you to know that I am willing to support you through what must be a difficult time and share your burdens, but I would understand if you prefer some space and time to focus on it yourself."

    You could also just not respond as per your gut reaction. It is not so bad, just rather rude, given the thoughtful and respectful message he sent you.

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    Thanks so much for the kind words! We actually met off some religious site catered for folks that are interested in marriage. Just the night before he asked about when our next date would be. Thatís why I was in shock. After our first date, he straight up asked me what I thought of our date and he said he wanted to continue seeing me and seeing how things go. I understand potential job loss is serious and stressful. If this happened to me, I wouldnít end talking to someone especially if theyíre okay with the situation. The Bay Area has a ton of great opportunities, and Iím confident he can find something. Itís just unfortunate that he has to cut off contact....I was not jumping into any relationship but was interested in slowly getting to know him like dinner once a week or even a walk since we live in the same city.

    I totally understand his end it takes time to develop a relationship and you have to be on a clear mindset to be fair to the other person. And right now is unfortunately not the right time. Better now than engaged or something.

    Itís just unfortunate, I thought he was a great guy and good match! I will take a few days to just let it sink it as Iím disappointed that heís not interested in continuing to talk.

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  6. #5
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    The fact that he said this, "Could we please put our correspondence on hold (not sure temporarily or permanently)", strongly suggests that this is likely not just work-related.

    No doubt he is stressed about his work situation and that's affecting his ability to date right now. But a guy who is interested in resuming contact once things settle is probably not going to put it out there that this might be a permanent "hold."

    Sorry, OP. I think he's overwhelmed but also trying to let you down easily. There is no need to offer your support for someone you barely know who has just requested that communication ceases.

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    Very true, I noticed that question too and was confused by it all. Who knows, but heís definitely not that into me!

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    Perhaps temporary might mean if he finds another local job...permanently if he finds a job in another state or country....OR heís thinking it would be unfair to put things on hold so a permanent cease of communication would be best so I can move on and meet others. In any case, I thought we were a good match but thatís dating...moving on when getting a message like that.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by heartbroken84
    In any case, I thought we were a good match but thatís dating...moving on when getting a message like that.
    Yes, that is best.

    Whatever his exact intention behind it, the bottom line is the same - he doesn't want to continue this. Perhaps he will be in touch again someday but I would not wait for that day to come.

  10. #9
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    Thank you kindly.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Your take on it about him saying temporary and permanently, might be correct. He has no idea where his job is going to take him and he is trying to be honest with you.

    But the one thing you need to do now that this has happened, is to step back, not get so caught up in one date and get back to getting to know him rather than jumping way ahead and assuming you will eventually be married, etc.

    He has no clue how his life is going to go and he's being honest with you.

    For now, instead of being offended, write back and thank him for his honesty and let him know that he can contact you once he knows what direction his life is going to go in.

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