Chatting for 3 weeks and this message

I haven’t responded, but am shocked to receive this message from someone I met off a serious dating site. We chatted for 3 weeks and met once and were planning to meet again. My gut reaction is not to respond. It’s too bad he’s responding to the situation. I’d be more than supportive and see him through this situation.

"Hey sorry for the late reply. I’m heavily distracted with work. Unfortunately my company had just revealed that we are having funding issues and we had a 1st round of layoff. I’m still employed but will need to focus on getting a new job soon. Could we please put our correspondence on hold (not sure temporarily or permanently)? Unfortunately, I may not be able to spend time to develop relationships....I’m really sorry. I admire your commitment to your family and in pursuing this relationship, but I cannot offer the same. I’m sorry again 😔."

Let go. He's being very respectful. You'll thank him for that message later once this blows over. Continue to meet others on the dating site and please don't wait three weeks chatting with someone before you meet someone. Chat for one or two days, maximum one week, and then meet the following weekend or on a day off between the both of you. Don't prolong meeting someone in person. You'll have less of a notion built up in your head of what someone is and hopefully have a more down to earth idea of that person as a real person. This is just a suggestion, not a hard and fast rule.

Regarding your header, I don't think you've been dating for three weeks if it was just one date. Be a bit more realistic there. It will help you in this whole dating thing. It can become draining if you don't learn how to manage your expectations or be realistic.

Your gut reaction is wrong.

I am not sure why you are so shocked and seemingly offended. He sent you a perfectly respectful, clear and (probably) honest message. It is very self-centered and entitled of you to somehow be offended by it.

Let's look at the top two likely scenarios here:

1) He is telling the truth. He is seriously concerned for his career. As a man, his career should be his priority, what a man does and his role in society pretty much defines him, it is perfectly normal and expected for him to be stressed about potentially losing his job, having to transition to a new one. Given that he mentioned "your commitment to your family and pursuing this relationship", he probably correctly assumes that you want your relationship to be a priority for him. He cannot give you that at present, if he is job hunting he probably does not even know where he will be (geographically) in a few months. He is dealing with so many uncertainties and stresses, so he has honestly told you that he cannot focus on building a serious relationship with you... He met you just once and you guys messaged each other for three weeks, he is not even your boyfriend. What more do you expect?! What do you think he owes you? He has in fact behaved far more respectfully than the majority of people from online dating, who would just ghost you, fade away, string you along or straight up ignore you.

2) He might not be all that into you, or you came on too strongly/intensely, and he was just looking for something casual, or at least slow paced, so he is lying to let you down gently. If this is the case, again, what has he done that is so wrong and shocking? Okay it is dishonest, but it is dishonesty for a kind reason.

In either case, the reasonable thing to do is to say. "Okay, I understand. I hope your job situation settles down soon. Maybe we can connect again if we are still single at that point." Or if you really want to (but not recommended) add something like, "I want you to know that I am willing to support you through what must be a difficult time and share your burdens, but I would understand if you prefer some space and time to focus on it yourself."

You could also just not respond as per your gut reaction. It is not so bad, just rather rude, given the thoughtful and respectful message he sent you.

Thanks so much for the kind words! We actually met off some religious site catered for folks that are interested in marriage. Just the night before he asked about when our next date would be. That’s why I was in shock. After our first date, he straight up asked me what I thought of our date and he said he wanted to continue seeing me and seeing how things go. I understand potential job loss is serious and stressful. If this happened to me, I wouldn’t end talking to someone especially if they’re okay with the situation. The Bay Area has a ton of great opportunities, and I’m confident he can find something. It’s just unfortunate that he has to cut off contact....I was not jumping into any relationship but was interested in slowly getting to know him like dinner once a week or even a walk since we live in the same city.

I totally understand his end it takes time to develop a relationship and you have to be on a clear mindset to be fair to the other person. And right now is unfortunately not the right time. Better now than engaged or something.

It’s just unfortunate, I thought he was a great guy and good match! I will take a few days to just let it sink it as I’m disappointed that he’s not interested in continuing to talk.

The fact that he said this, "Could we please put our correspondence on hold (not sure temporarily or permanently)", strongly suggests that this is likely not just work-related.

No doubt he is stressed about his work situation and that's affecting his ability to date right now. But a guy who is interested in resuming contact once things settle is probably not going to put it out there that this might be a permanent "hold."

Sorry, OP. I think he's overwhelmed but also trying to let you down easily. There is no need to offer your support for someone you barely know who has just requested that communication ceases.

Very true, I noticed that question too and was confused by it all. Who knows, but he’s definitely not that into me!

Perhaps temporary might mean if he finds another local job...permanently if he finds a job in another state or country....OR he’s thinking it would be unfair to put things on hold so a permanent cease of communication would be best so I can move on and meet others. In any case, I thought we were a good match but that’s dating...moving on when getting a message like that.

In any case, I thought we were a good match but that’s dating...moving on when getting a message like that.

Yes, that is best.

Whatever his exact intention behind it, the bottom line is the same - he doesn't want to continue this. Perhaps he will be in touch again someday but I would not wait for that day to come.

Thank you kindly.

Your take on it about him saying temporary and permanently, might be correct. He has no idea where his job is going to take him and he is trying to be honest with you.

But the one thing you need to do now that this has happened, is to step back, not get so caught up in one date and get back to getting to know him rather than jumping way ahead and assuming you will eventually be married, etc.

He has no clue how his life is going to go and he's being honest with you.

For now, instead of being offended, write back and thank him for his honesty and let him know that he can contact you once he knows what direction his life is going to go in.

Thank you for your wisdom. We seem to have lots in common and I was looking forward to getting to know him. I’m not offended, just surprised and saddened. I will write back and say thank you. I understand job instability is stressful for everyone. I’m sad he has to go through it now. Hopefully he finds another opportunity soon.

To be honest, it does sound like it's out of his control. He's not trying to play you or run away.

Job loss is pretty serious and very stressful. He probably has no idea where he will end up and I bet he's sitting there fearing the worst and not having a job or having to move.

I think if you play it cool and be supportive like you said you would be, you will get a good reaction once things have settled down for him and he's not so worried.

I can’t imagine dealing with job loss, which reminds me to start saving more because it can happen when least expected. It’s scary, stressful, and frightening. However, he’s a well educated engineer so I’m hopeful he will find a new role soon.

SherrySher, what response should I send him? Just say, I’m sorry to hear about your job situation, hope it improves soon. Let’s reconnect when things have settled.

At least he gave you the courtesy to explain where he's at in life. Please understand that he needs to survive first before he can even fathom social correspondence. His bread 'n butter issues come first and and foremost. He needs to prioritize food on the table and a roof over his head!

Allow him to get serious with attaining his next job, wait until he get settled in AND then he'll have brain space for you. Until then, back off, be mature and understanding and give him SPACE. When he's ready to resume correspondence and meeting you, let him make the first move and reach out to you. Never hound a man. They hate that. Treat him with respect and don't text relentlessly. Have some mystery and independence because it makes you attractive instead of desperate and insecure.

Exercise discretion.

Sorry to hear this. It's important to remember that on any dating site, people are messaging and meeting several people to hope for a match. It sounds like he simply found someone who is a better match for him. The job thing is simply an excuse. After one date, he simply used the "busy, stressed" excuse. Do not pursue him.

We chatted for 3 weeks and met once.

Thank you for your wisdom. We seem to have lots in common and I was looking forward to getting to know him. I’m not offended, just surprised and saddened. I will write back and say thank you. I understand job instability is stressful for everyone. I’m sad he has to go through it now. Hopefully he finds another opportunity soon.

I think you're way too invested for a near stranger you met once. I so respect what he wrote to you. It was over and above what someone in his situation should do for someone they've only met once. If he changes his mind or his situation changes he knows where to find you.

I would respond "I really appreciate you letting me know and I wish you all the best. Happy to help if you need help with a resume, etc."

I would only add the last sentence if indeed you have the time to help or want to help without any ulterior motives.

His comment about how YOU were pursuing the relationship is very telling. I could see he sensed you were overly invested after only one date, and projecting to the future, either by a gut feeling or that maybe you were over the top with lengthy communication in messaging him, or requesting those weekly meet ups with him.

In the future, I'd suggest taking things with a day-by-day attitude, instead of seeing a man as your lifetime partner that you have to put in the time with to get to that inevitable point. Maybe he saw your communication as speaking of serious relationship matters too soon, if that was the case, when the first meeting and communication should just be fun, light and airy, talking about things like: Do you have pets? What do you like about your job? What are your hobbies?

Even if a guy is looking for a new job, he can still text or call a few times a week. If he has time to go to the bathroom, he has time to do that. He still needs to eat, and would likely have time for a two hour lunch, at least once a week. It's not like a person would find five viable job opportunities per day that he'd be applying for hour upon hour. I just don't buy that scenario.

He doesn't find you to be a good match. I'd just reply, "Okay. Good luck with your job situation." And then move on. Good luck.

We met off a Muslim dating site geared towards marriage and he told me he was seriously dating for marriage. And he told me he was not a serial dater and that he couldnÂ’t marry before March etc. I was taking it easy, and letting him take the lead. He texted me everyday and I donÂ’t think it was me coming off strong. Who knows. Thanks for the advice.

That's ok. After one date/meeting either one can decide it's not a match,no? Just keep meeting appropriate men until you find the match you are looking for.

We met off a Muslim dating site geared towards marriage and he told me he was seriously dating for marriage.

We met off a Muslim dating site geared towards marriage and he told me he was seriously dating for marriage. And he told me he was not a serial dater and that he couldnÂ’t marry before March etc. I was taking it easy, and letting him take the lead. He texted me everyday and I donÂ’t think it was me coming off strong. Who knows. Thanks for the advice.

A man can tell you a lot of things, it doesn't mean that it's truth. Would be a really good idea for you to take things that guys say with a large grain of salt, take a step back and pay more attention to whether their actions align with their words. In this case, it didn't. Doesn't even matter why. He just didn't walk the talk and that's all you need to know.

Keep dating, keep looking. To find the right person is a lot like looking for a needle in a haystack. Do try to avoid too much online chatting that creates a false sense of "knowing" the person. Relationship form in real life - again, actions.

I sent this message and no more communication: thank you for your honesty. Good luck with the job situation. You can contact me when you know what direction your life is going to go in. Wishing you all the best.

Excellent. Now you're free to message with and meet other men. Try to meet sooner next time and do not prolong chitchatting. Don't let anyone hold you up in your endeavors.

I sent this message and no more communication: thank you for your honesty. Good luck with the job situation. You can contact me when you know what direction your life is going to go in. Wishing you all the best.

I sent this message and no more communication: thank you for your honesty. Good luck with the job situation. You can contact me when you know what direction your life is going to go in. Wishing you all the best.

I personally find that an odd message. Does he really need to know all that in order to contact you or does he simply need to be ready to date again? Two different things. And also comes across as kind of unpleasant - I might have softened it with "of course feel free to contact me if you feel in a better position to meet up again and perhaps we can meet again at that time"

Sorry heartbroken, just seeing this now.

The message was okay, like Batya mentioned, I might have worded it slightly differently. But no worries. It got the message across.

I hope you will not sit and wait and wonder. Try to go about your life as normal, maybe even consider dating someone else and see what happens.

You might hear from him again, or you might not. I do wish you the best of luck though with finding someone special.

We met off a Muslim dating site geared towards marriage and he told me he was seriously dating for marriage. And he told me he was not a serial dater and that he couldnÂ’t marry before March etc. I was taking it easy, and letting him take the lead. He texted me everyday and I donÂ’t think it was me coming off strong. Who knows. Thanks for the advice.

Men who have uncertainty career wise stop looking for a wife until the situation has improved.

That's why women who date college-age men and pester them for rings upon graduation do NOT understand why their guy won't propose. He won't because he wants to feel he is stable in his career, not some unemployed college student.

btw, just because a man is looking for marriage does not mean he OWES you marriage. He is looking for the best match as well, not just someone else who also wants to get married that's only a starting point, and then you go from there to find out if a person is compatible