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Thread: Female friend of partner causing issues.

  1. #1
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    Female friend of partner causing issues.

    Quick bio
    Me:25 him:27
    Together 5 1/2yrs with 2 month break about a year ago.

    So this friend of his i have always had trouble with, they have known eachother for 10 years or so and are not very close, partner has says he just feels bad for her as she has no friends so catches up with her every so often.

    I have caught her doing very inappropriate, boundry crossing things while i am around. Trying to give him a shoulder rub, trying to hold his hand, when she hugs him she puts her breasts in his face etc. When i pointed these things out to my partner he said "shes had a ed up past she just doesnt know what shes doing" so i had a conversation with her and informed her of the boundreys she is crossing she apologized said she didnt mean it but it kept happening.

    Fast forward to our 2 month break, partner became very depressed with his job, family and it all became too much he decided to break it off with me. We didnt have a big falling out i just agreed that if thats how he felt then we wouldnt be together, i packed up my stuff and left.

    Fast forward again to now. We spoke again after two months and spoke honestly about everything spending weeks together just working through all the crazy. He admited that he slept with this girl friend because "she was easy and there".

    We have worked through everything else and now are happily living together.. All except this girl, i cant get past the betrayal of him choosing that girl after all the times i told him thats what she wanted from him. Its been driving me litrally crazy, i had been checking her facebook everyday and it was getting rediculous. I deleted and blocked her.

    My partner has always ignored her calls and texts when we are together and hasnt mentioned her for the last year.

    I was finally starting to feel less crazy about this women.

    I went away for 2 days last thursday morning. All was great i get home sunday. I was sitting playing a video game and grabbed his phone to use the internet to look something up as mine was dead, something we both do all the time.

    As i was swipping through the open apps to get to the internet i see a text message from this woman with an address. I click on it and find a message from thursday afternoon that my partner had sent asking what she was upto that afternoon.

    My heart broke. I went and found him and just cried, the first time we have been apart for more then a day since the break and he contacts this women who he knows i have an issue with.

    He said he felt bad because she called him while he was driving and she gave him a sad story of how they hadnt spoken in nearly a year and she missed him. So he took her for a four wheel drive and then dropped her home. He didnt tell me because he knew how angry i would get and he didnt want to ruin my trip or upset me.

    I pointed out that he has broken my trust and made me suspicious when i never was before. I trusted he would not do anything with this women.. It was just her i was worried about. Now im not so sure, by hiding this from me i just dont know what to feel.

    I told him if he wants to hang out with her, fine. Shes his friend they have been friends for 10 years, i will not be that women that makes him choose. The only things are i will not have anything to do with her, i will not be doing any driving in regards to her and he has to tell me when they are going to hang out.

    I told him i respect him too much to make him choose and he said that he hates how upset she makes me, that he should respect me enough to cut her out of his life. I told him that is his decicision and i will not infulence him on that.

    Im just so hurt and i dont know how to move forward. I love him and i do belive he loves me too. Its not a simple situation with a simple answer :/

  2. #2
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    The problem is not with her, it's with him as he has the ability to end this, yet chooses not to. At any rate, it appears he's cheating right under your nose, along with banking on your forgiveness time after time.

    You're selling yourself short, and he's running with it. He's demonstrated what he's made of therefore moving forward will not be a walk in the park, but rather a living hell. Why not raise your standards?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Your boyfriend is inappropriate and you are too afraid of being the bad guy. This is a bad mix. I don't think either of you should be together and he doesn't respect you. This type of person (who pushes boundaries consistently or hides information) is not the type of person you want to be with. Been there, done that...

  4. #4
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I would not be with someone who ran back to his "FWB" the minute I was away.
    He has no boundaries & loves the attention he gets from her.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    So classic. You could write a manual on players about how they are so predictable with their excuses about their female "friend." He gives excuses because he's loves a harem, and his poor ethics won't allow him to be happy with one woman.

    She's no longer his platonic friend because she's had recent sex with him, so you being the cool chick, not dictating who your bf can or can't spend time with, is misguided. You're a naive doormat if you stay with a guy who went behind your back and hung out in secret with his FWB. It doesn't matter that they've been friends for 10 years. Once they had sex, the appropriateness of him ever hanging out with her again, while being exclusive with you, flew out the window.

    You deserve better. I've seen ethical, faithful guys put women like that flirt in her place, and he didn't do this. You were the one to speak to her. When you develop a stronger self esteem, you'll always be looking at how your man is handling these types of things, instead of seeing the woman as a rival you have to compete with. I've never competed with other women for a man's attention like I'm in some beauty pageant and jumping up and down, saying "Pick me, pick me."

    I'm the one and only priority, and if I saw that wasn't the case, I'd be running to the nearest exit. Secrets never stay hidden for long. You saw the text. A guardian angel's doing or not, it's helpful insight which gave you the info you needed to open your eyes to the ugly reality of the charade you're living in. Please use that info to make the best decision for yourself. The majority feels you should leave. You asked, so that's the overwhelming consensus.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. She is still his fwb. That never stopped. He just hid it better.

  8. #7
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    It doesn't matter if she can't help herself (which is a lie anyway of course she can) - it's up to him to choose proper boundaries. And he hasn't many times now. Please don't hang around for more of his crap, ok? Let him rescue his damsel in distress and ride off into the knocked up sunset with her because she probably wants that too. And with my comments no she is not the relevant person here, she is not evil because perhaps he is lying to her too. She likes having sex with him and he likes having sex with her and she likes bending his ear with all of her woes and he is happy to listen and have intercourse with her. Let them be together. You find someone who respects you and respects what a committed relationship is. He's not that person.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I donít get why in the world you would say that you wonít stop them being friends. Not being controlling is one thing, but having no self respect is something else entirely. I would tell him that Iím not interested in leaving room for a third person in my relationship, so he can either decide to commit to a healthy, trusting relationship with me... or he can continue his friendship with this lady, benefits or not. Canít have both, because I respect myself.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If someone ever broke up with me and then slept with a friend, there wouldn't be anything more to discuss. As you're learning, you can't 'talk' that away. I'd walk away and let the two of them go at it.

    Don't you deserve someone you can trust?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Just a big N-O here, hon.

    Look. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. But I have to start at your title: Female friend of partner causing issues.

    Respectfully, that's your first mistake. Focusing all the ire and wrongdoing on this girl. It was all her doing. It's all her fault. She made this happen.

    She is NOT causing all the issues. Your BF is also responsible. He didn't *have* to go drop her off. She is manipulating him with tears, guilt, and god knows what else... and he's letting her. She's either a master manipulator, or he's exceptionally dumb, or they've been having an affair this whole time. Or all three.

    I'm sorry to be so crass. But I've seen this pattern with a lot of people who have been cheated on and it's frustrating to see.

    I know you love him. This is why I'm very sorry to tell you, this female friend is his weakness. And bless your heart you've confronted him about it and did your best, but he still feels something for her. Hello, the fact that he didn't tell you about seeing her, is all you need to know. What would have happened if you hadn't seen that? Would he have told you? Of course not.

    Therefore, can you trust him? It doesn't matter if he didn't tell you because he "didn't want you to be upset." God I've heard that line a thousand times. This of all things he should have told you, risking your anger. Because you've already been uneasy about her proximity to him and you've been vocal about such things previously. This is not how responsible people handle relationships.

    I'm afraid you're doing all the work in this relationship. You could do way better, my dear. Good luck.

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