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Thread: Boyfriend suspicious after I put my phone on airplane and he couldn't locate me

  1. #1
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    Boyfriend suspicious after I put my phone on airplane and he couldn't locate me

    BF (35M) and I (35F) have been together 3 1/2 years. We started location-sharing on our phones in Year One upon his suggestion. At first I thought it was a bit creepy. He's an amazingly great guy, although he can be controlling in some ways, like everyone else. I thought perhaps this was a control thing, but figured I have nothing to hide. It's actually kind of fun knowing where he's at and what he's up to. Let me say this in advance, he doesn't worry about my location at all.

    Yesterday I went to an acupuncture session after work, my fourth session now, but they were delayed 30 minutes getting me started. I've been having a bit of back pain that my doc is working on, and I had a migraine that morning, so my whole body and brain were a bit out of sorts. When my doc finally came in, I quickly put my phone on airplane and my apple watch on silent, and hopped on the bed ready for some peace and relaxation. My doc kept going in and out to work on other patients in between working on my issues. I ended up finishing my session 30-45 minutes later than planned. When I pulled my phone off airplane, I had a message that read "Are you alive?" from my BF. I said "Yes, just wrapping up, they were late getting me in, heading home."

    When I got home, rather than asking me how my session was and if I was feeling better, I was met with suspicion because a) I was gone longer than usual, b) my phone was on airplane mode rather than silent mode so he couldn't see my location, and c) it's unusual behavior for me to put it on airplane mode rather than on silent. He asked me why I chose to put it on airplane instead of silent. I explained that I put my phone away a flurry because the doc had finally arrived after waiting so long, and I just chose the mode that I saw first. On top of that, I can never quite remember which one is better so that you don't get any interruptions and I didn't it buzzing or pinging, either on the phone or watch. I'm not good at tech and just got the watch recently, still trying to figure this all out.

    On top of my behavior being "strange", he thought my answer was "strange" and said I should know how it all works by now. I told him that he's known me long enough, that I don't always know how things work, that I answer things strangely in ways that don't make sense right away sometimes, and that there was nothing to worry about. He kept grumbling about it so I asked him outright, "Do you think I put it on airplane mode and went somewhere else? You can see the receipt that shows when my appointment ended if you want." He shrugged and said no. Then I asked, "What on earth did people do to trust each other before this whole location service was a thing?" He shrugged, then said he would take location-mode randomly off his phone and see how I feel about it. I told him that was kind of a strange and spiteful thing for him say, but also said "Sure, take your location off. There have been times your location hasn't registered for me, and it doesn't bother me." It really doesn't bother me, because it really doesn't matter and I trust him. I gave him a hug again and told him nothing weird is going on. But for a few hours after that, he remained a bit distant from me. I tried to draw closer to him as I normally do, but he was being stand offish. I told him now he is the one being weird and standoffish. He said he would probably need some time to get over it. He's been a bit distant this morning too, and I am finding myself distancing away from him as a result. I don't like this dynamic.

    He does have trust issues, and some of it stems from early on in our relationship, and his previous relationship when his ex cheated on him and wasn't honest about a lot of things.

    As for me, I have always been faithful to him and honest about my comings and goings. Except for one time. There is an acquaintance of mine who I had sexual encounters with one year prior to meeting my BF. This acquaintance was still within some of our circles of interaction. Since we had to do some mutual work with this acquaintance on occasion, I was a bit embarrassed to tell my BF about what had happened. I finally told my BF the truth about the acquaintance one year into our relationship and also told him that I had been embarrassed about it. He had a hunch that something had happened, and was glad that I was honest about it. Since then, we've gone over every acquaintance and interaction, and have been honest about things which has deepened our intimacy.

    I am concerned over the fact that he gets so suspicious, despite the honesty. Early on in our relationship, it was happening quite often and we've worked through a lot. I admit, there were some things I was doing that fed the flame just out of pure dumbness. I have had many more sexual encounters than him and a spotty past, and there were many acquaintances around our daily comings and goings because we lived in a small town at the time. He hasn't had as many sexual encounters, and often questioned my moral and ethical past.

    But then other times, I feel pinned in a corner, as if I'm being accused of something that didn't happen, and I haven't done anything at all to rake in any suspicion. During those times, I'm caught off guard and say stupid things, which makes him say that "I'm acting weird" and further build up his suspicion.

    His suspicions have gone away quite a bit, but he'll get a bee in his bonnet about something every 3-6 months. When this happens, it stirs up a lot for both of us. He'll refer back to the time that I lied about the acquaintance. He referred to it last night again over the location-sharing. I find this very strange and unfair, because the acquaintance was long before I met him. He's treating me as if I had actively cheated on him during our relationship and lied about it actively during the relationship.

    Other times I've gotten frustrated and will push back on him because it makes me feel awful. On top of it, I feel like I can't even express my feelings because that makes it about me instead of about him.

    There are times I've thought maybe he's the one doing something, though I know he's not doing anything behind my back. He's a very moral, ethical person.

    So I'm struggling to find the line between logic and reason here. Am I being a non-empathetic, callous girlfriend who isn't acknowledging his needs and fears? Or is he being manipulative and controlling?

    In a couple weeks, we'll start a long distance relationship. He's moving to a new city and I'm going to stay at my job for a bit longer until I can find one in the new city with him. I'm very curious what kind of dynamic this will bring with the whole trust thing. I might add that we've been living together almost 3 years and have discussed marriage and the big stuff. However, we'll not be living in the same space long distance. If I move to the new city, he thinks we should also live apart then to get some perspective on the relationship before getting engaged.

  2. #2
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    How is it you lied about your acquaintance -didn't you simply not choose to share that you had had sex with the person before you started dating your boyfriend? If so that's not a lie and also none of his business if you had sex with someone in the past unless there was a specific reason for him to know like a child that resulted or if it was someone, I guess, who he worked for or wanted to work for then maybe then.

  3. #3
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    Back then, he was asking if I had a history with every guy I interacted and pretty sure he asked about him, to which I probably said "no." This acquaintance and his GF were recruited to foster some animals for us as part of our side business. I was embarrassed and thought if I told him, he wouldn't want him fostering with us anymore because that meant I'd be interacting with him every few weeks. We were already in a lot of trouble trying to find fosters and had too many animals on our hands. It was a desperate situation.

    However, on the same token, I may have just withheld the information. It was so long ago.

    At the time, I should've just said "I'm not comfortable discussing it at this time."

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I read this whole thing and can only ask: Is this really how you want to live your life? It sounds utterly exhausting.

    To answer your core question bluntly: Yes, he is being manipulative and controlling. This is all a pretty ludicrous foundation for an adult relationship, at least in my opinion, but I think you're both so deep in it that you don't quite see it. Seems to me your early bond and foundation has some toxic bubbles in the concrete and as they pop the cracks are starting to show. Instead of dealing with his trust issues, he found in you a stage on which to indulge and validate them. Why were you open to that? I don't know, but I'd venture it had something to do with your self-conception of having a "spotty past" and seeing in moral, ethical him a means of atonement.

    That can make for a certain form of intimacy—the form that comes from "working through things" to "deepen intimacy," without realizing that those things, and the working through it, are all from another angle impediments to real intimacy, to real trust. Honestly, I don't think either of you know what trust really is, him in particular, since its been outsourced to technology and replaced by monitoring and paranoia.

    In other words, I don't think this one instant, in and of itself, is really a big deal. It is simply how you guys operate, always have. Sometimes it feels sweet, sometimes sour. Big picture: I think it's up to you to decide if you want to keep living like this.

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    He doesn’t care about your location? He most certainly does. He suggested local sharing? You bet your butt he is a control freak . Time to go.

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    You shouldn’t have to explain your past to him period! It’s not your fault his ex girlfriend was untrustworthy. He should never carry that baggage into your relationship.

    I think this is his issue and you two may be incompatible Because of it. You need to re evaluate if you want to be kept on a tight leash because he doesn’t trust you and is controlling.

    I get you’ve been with him a long time but the truth is, it doesn’t sound like it’s getting any better.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He doesn't trust you and he's insecure, OP. You also don't seem secure in yourself. You shouldn't be ashamed for your past. Internalizing that type of negativity won't go over well for you long term. Unfortunately I don't think he's secure in himself as a man and as a partner to date you. Putting him down unfortunately also is not going to improve your relationship or your views of each other or make this any less painful. To answer your question in post #1, I'd avoid the terms "controlling" and "manipulative". You'll end up wasting more of your time demonizing him than elevating yourself.

    Shift the focus a little more on you and create some healthy and respectful space between the both of you. Invite more love and positivity back into your life by elevating you and accepting all the experiences in your past. By 35 I'm very sure you have a very good idea of what's good and what's bad. Don't discredit yourself there or spend too much time second guessing yourself.

    If you do want to make this work, do not enable him anymore. Again, shift the focus to positivity and reflect good things back at you. Resist any use (or misuse) of location monitoring or devices for the purposes of functioning in a relationship. I think this is a misuse of technology. You should emphasize your own autonomy without being disrespectful to each other. He may have his own flaws but I think you are enabling him. Stop doing that and shift things.

    It's up to you what you wish to do with the impending move and changes in your work. Regardless of how you go about this I think the underlying message and lesson is to shift things back to you in a positive way without causing damage to yourself or others. Keep going with your own work, acupuncture sessions and your business and keep that focus positive and remain level-headed in your decisions.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Is he my ex boyfriend?

    Look, his insecurities are his to deal with. Not yours to manage. You shouldn't have to pay the price for those who came before you. For that matter, he's not so unique. Almost everyone has been disappointed before.
    It's our personal responsibility to learn to manage our anxieties and not take it out on other people. He needs to seriously check himself.

    I've been on both sides, insecure or accused. Both are pretty ugly places to be.

    I went through a lot of the same things with my ex and I will tell you one thing for sure, it doesn't get better. He acted as if he had some sort of disability I needed to cater to. Your guy is doing the same thing. Just stop.

    Moving away will likely be your worst nightmare.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I can only imagine what is going to happen when you go LDR. He will be triple checking on you, its going to be awful.
    Also what's with the "we wont be living together in the new city"? Why is he making all the rules?
    I would halt all plans to move to be with him, he sounds awful

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    The day someone wanted to track my whereabouts 24/7 would be the day that they NEVER knew where I was ever again. Dude has issues and I suspect that you have yet to find out the extent of them. Save yourself the trouble and when he moves, you move as well to somewhere else and make sure you have your phone off of tracking mode when you do it so he can't find you.

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