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Boyfriend suspicious after I put my phone on airplane and he couldn't locate me


alibabac

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BF (35M) and I (35F) have been together 3 1/2 years. We started location-sharing on our phones in Year One upon his suggestion. At first I thought it was a bit creepy. He's an amazingly great guy, although he can be controlling in some ways, like everyone else. I thought perhaps this was a control thing, but figured I have nothing to hide. It's actually kind of fun knowing where he's at and what he's up to. Let me say this in advance, he doesn't worry about my location at all.

 

Yesterday I went to an acupuncture session after work, my fourth session now, but they were delayed 30 minutes getting me started. I've been having a bit of back pain that my doc is working on, and I had a migraine that morning, so my whole body and brain were a bit out of sorts. When my doc finally came in, I quickly put my phone on airplane and my apple watch on silent, and hopped on the bed ready for some peace and relaxation. My doc kept going in and out to work on other patients in between working on my issues. I ended up finishing my session 30-45 minutes later than planned. When I pulled my phone off airplane, I had a message that read "Are you alive?" from my BF. I said "Yes, just wrapping up, they were late getting me in, heading home."

 

When I got home, rather than asking me how my session was and if I was feeling better, I was met with suspicion because a) I was gone longer than usual, b) my phone was on airplane mode rather than silent mode so he couldn't see my location, and c) it's unusual behavior for me to put it on airplane mode rather than on silent. He asked me why I chose to put it on airplane instead of silent. I explained that I put my phone away a flurry because the doc had finally arrived after waiting so long, and I just chose the mode that I saw first. On top of that, I can never quite remember which one is better so that you don't get any interruptions and I didn't it buzzing or pinging, either on the phone or watch. I'm not good at tech and just got the watch recently, still trying to figure this all out.

 

On top of my behavior being "strange", he thought my answer was "strange" and said I should know how it all works by now. I told him that he's known me long enough, that I don't always know how things work, that I answer things strangely in ways that don't make sense right away sometimes, and that there was nothing to worry about. He kept grumbling about it so I asked him outright, "Do you think I put it on airplane mode and went somewhere else? You can see the receipt that shows when my appointment ended if you want." He shrugged and said no. Then I asked, "What on earth did people do to trust each other before this whole location service was a thing?" He shrugged, then said he would take location-mode randomly off his phone and see how I feel about it. I told him that was kind of a strange and spiteful thing for him say, but also said "Sure, take your location off. There have been times your location hasn't registered for me, and it doesn't bother me." It really doesn't bother me, because it really doesn't matter and I trust him. I gave him a hug again and told him nothing weird is going on. But for a few hours after that, he remained a bit distant from me. I tried to draw closer to him as I normally do, but he was being stand offish. I told him now he is the one being weird and standoffish. He said he would probably need some time to get over it. He's been a bit distant this morning too, and I am finding myself distancing away from him as a result. I don't like this dynamic.

 

He does have trust issues, and some of it stems from early on in our relationship, and his previous relationship when his ex cheated on him and wasn't honest about a lot of things.

 

As for me, I have always been faithful to him and honest about my comings and goings. Except for one time. There is an acquaintance of mine who I had sexual encounters with one year prior to meeting my BF. This acquaintance was still within some of our circles of interaction. Since we had to do some mutual work with this acquaintance on occasion, I was a bit embarrassed to tell my BF about what had happened. I finally told my BF the truth about the acquaintance one year into our relationship and also told him that I had been embarrassed about it. He had a hunch that something had happened, and was glad that I was honest about it. Since then, we've gone over every acquaintance and interaction, and have been honest about things which has deepened our intimacy.

 

I am concerned over the fact that he gets so suspicious, despite the honesty. Early on in our relationship, it was happening quite often and we've worked through a lot. I admit, there were some things I was doing that fed the flame just out of pure dumbness. I have had many more sexual encounters than him and a spotty past, and there were many acquaintances around our daily comings and goings because we lived in a small town at the time. He hasn't had as many sexual encounters, and often questioned my moral and ethical past.

 

But then other times, I feel pinned in a corner, as if I'm being accused of something that didn't happen, and I haven't done anything at all to rake in any suspicion. During those times, I'm caught off guard and say stupid things, which makes him say that "I'm acting weird" and further build up his suspicion.

 

His suspicions have gone away quite a bit, but he'll get a bee in his bonnet about something every 3-6 months. When this happens, it stirs up a lot for both of us. He'll refer back to the time that I lied about the acquaintance. He referred to it last night again over the location-sharing. I find this very strange and unfair, because the acquaintance was long before I met him. He's treating me as if I had actively cheated on him during our relationship and lied about it actively during the relationship.

 

Other times I've gotten frustrated and will push back on him because it makes me feel awful. On top of it, I feel like I can't even express my feelings because that makes it about me instead of about him.

 

There are times I've thought maybe he's the one doing something, though I know he's not doing anything behind my back. He's a very moral, ethical person.

 

So I'm struggling to find the line between logic and reason here. Am I being a non-empathetic, callous girlfriend who isn't acknowledging his needs and fears? Or is he being manipulative and controlling?

 

In a couple weeks, we'll start a long distance relationship. He's moving to a new city and I'm going to stay at my job for a bit longer until I can find one in the new city with him. I'm very curious what kind of dynamic this will bring with the whole trust thing. I might add that we've been living together almost 3 years and have discussed marriage and the big stuff. However, we'll not be living in the same space long distance. If I move to the new city, he thinks we should also live apart then to get some perspective on the relationship before getting engaged.

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How is it you lied about your acquaintance -didn't you simply not choose to share that you had had sex with the person before you started dating your boyfriend? If so that's not a lie and also none of his business if you had sex with someone in the past unless there was a specific reason for him to know like a child that resulted or if it was someone, I guess, who he worked for or wanted to work for then maybe then.

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Back then, he was asking if I had a history with every guy I interacted and pretty sure he asked about him, to which I probably said "no." This acquaintance and his GF were recruited to foster some animals for us as part of our side business. I was embarrassed and thought if I told him, he wouldn't want him fostering with us anymore because that meant I'd be interacting with him every few weeks. We were already in a lot of trouble trying to find fosters and had too many animals on our hands. It was a desperate situation.

 

However, on the same token, I may have just withheld the information. It was so long ago.

 

At the time, I should've just said "I'm not comfortable discussing it at this time."

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I read this whole thing and can only ask: Is this really how you want to live your life? It sounds utterly exhausting.

 

To answer your core question bluntly: Yes, he is being manipulative and controlling. This is all a pretty ludicrous foundation for an adult relationship, at least in my opinion, but I think you're both so deep in it that you don't quite see it. Seems to me your early bond and foundation has some toxic bubbles in the concrete and as they pop the cracks are starting to show. Instead of dealing with his trust issues, he found in you a stage on which to indulge and validate them. Why were you open to that? I don't know, but I'd venture it had something to do with your self-conception of having a "spotty past" and seeing in moral, ethical him a means of atonement.

 

That can make for a certain form of intimacy—the form that comes from "working through things" to "deepen intimacy," without realizing that those things, and the working through it, are all from another angle impediments to real intimacy, to real trust. Honestly, I don't think either of you know what trust really is, him in particular, since its been outsourced to technology and replaced by monitoring and paranoia.

 

In other words, I don't think this one instant, in and of itself, is really a big deal. It is simply how you guys operate, always have. Sometimes it feels sweet, sometimes sour. Big picture: I think it's up to you to decide if you want to keep living like this.

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You shouldn’t have to explain your past to him period! It’s not your fault his ex girlfriend was untrustworthy. He should never carry that baggage into your relationship.

 

I think this is his issue and you two may be incompatible Because of it. You need to re evaluate if you want to be kept on a tight leash because he doesn’t trust you and is controlling.

 

I get you’ve been with him a long time but the truth is, it doesn’t sound like it’s getting any better.

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He doesn't trust you and he's insecure, OP. You also don't seem secure in yourself. You shouldn't be ashamed for your past. Internalizing that type of negativity won't go over well for you long term. Unfortunately I don't think he's secure in himself as a man and as a partner to date you. Putting him down unfortunately also is not going to improve your relationship or your views of each other or make this any less painful. To answer your question in post #1, I'd avoid the terms "controlling" and "manipulative". You'll end up wasting more of your time demonizing him than elevating yourself.

 

Shift the focus a little more on you and create some healthy and respectful space between the both of you. Invite more love and positivity back into your life by elevating you and accepting all the experiences in your past. By 35 I'm very sure you have a very good idea of what's good and what's bad. Don't discredit yourself there or spend too much time second guessing yourself.

 

If you do want to make this work, do not enable him anymore. Again, shift the focus to positivity and reflect good things back at you. Resist any use (or misuse) of location monitoring or devices for the purposes of functioning in a relationship. I think this is a misuse of technology. You should emphasize your own autonomy without being disrespectful to each other. He may have his own flaws but I think you are enabling him. Stop doing that and shift things.

 

It's up to you what you wish to do with the impending move and changes in your work. Regardless of how you go about this I think the underlying message and lesson is to shift things back to you in a positive way without causing damage to yourself or others. Keep going with your own work, acupuncture sessions and your business and keep that focus positive and remain level-headed in your decisions.

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Is he my ex boyfriend?

 

Look, his insecurities are his to deal with. Not yours to manage. You shouldn't have to pay the price for those who came before you. For that matter, he's not so unique. Almost everyone has been disappointed before.

It's our personal responsibility to learn to manage our anxieties and not take it out on other people. He needs to seriously check himself.

 

I've been on both sides, insecure or accused. Both are pretty ugly places to be.

 

I went through a lot of the same things with my ex and I will tell you one thing for sure, it doesn't get better. He acted as if he had some sort of disability I needed to cater to. Your guy is doing the same thing. Just stop.

 

Moving away will likely be your worst nightmare.

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The day someone wanted to track my whereabouts 24/7 would be the day that they NEVER knew where I was ever again. Dude has issues and I suspect that you have yet to find out the extent of them. Save yourself the trouble and when he moves, you move as well to somewhere else and make sure you have your phone off of tracking mode when you do it so he can't find you.

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The day someone wanted to track my whereabouts 24/7 would be the day that they NEVER knew where I was ever again. Dude has issues and I suspect that you have yet to find out the extent of them. Save yourself the trouble and when he moves, you move as well to somewhere else and make sure you have your phone off of tracking mode when you do it so he can't find you.

 

I could not agree more.

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Control freak, insecure, manipulative nut! Why in the world do you indulge any of this nonsense!? So unhealthy. He does not trust you!

 

I would never have agreed for my partner to know my location. Ridiculous! As you can see, he watches you very closely.

 

You have done nothing wrong, yet he will continue to punish you. He enjoys it!

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The day someone wanted to track my whereabouts 24/7 would be the day that they NEVER knew where I was ever again. Dude has issues and I suspect that you have yet to find out the extent of them. Save yourself the trouble and when he moves, you move as well to somewhere else and make sure you have your phone off of tracking mode when you do it so he can't find you.

 

Agree.......

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How can you possible tell yourself that he doesn’t care about your location? He most certainly does, and not he doesn’t trust you at all.

 

This location-sharing isn’t normal in mature relationships, OP. It sounds like you pander to him and make excuses for him because you are afraid that if you stand up for yourself you will be forced to admit he’s not that great guy you’ve been trying to convince yourself he is. So you tiptoe around him and do anything to avoid making waves. But girl, this is extremely unhealthy and controlling behaviour on his part.

 

You think he’s paranoid now? Just wait until you go LD.

 

I would not allow someone to monitor me like this. You need to ask yourself why you have permitted this and enabled him.

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You need to immediately change all your account and device settings. Start with knocking off location sharing. Then change all your passcodes to all your accounts and devices.

 

Then seriously review your social media and make it completely private. Stop posting too much about who what where when, etc. Only allow trusted individuals to be able to view your contact. (and not this creep you're dating)

 

Get all and every gps/location service off all your accounts and devices. If you are not tech savvy ask someone (not this controlling jerk/bf) to help you go through your devices and accounts and reset things to a more intelligent privacy level.

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Hi all, I'm taking all of your comments into consideration, thank you!! I don't have much time to respond to everyone at the moment but here's what I would like to say...

 

Many people share their locations with others 24/7 nowadays, perhaps it's a millennial thing. My BF and his boss were even sharing their location (my BF's suggestion again). When my BF stopped sharing his location with his boss, the boss sent him a frowny face because he enjoyed seeing what he was up to. I warned my BF that sharing his location with the boss would make their relationship strange, and he did feel the pressure of his boss knowing his every move.

 

That aside, BF isn't hounding after me to know my location on a daily basis. It's just kind of fun for the both of us. It stuck out to him because it seemed out of character on my end, and yes I am enabling this behavior. I agree with those on here who have said we shouldn't be relying on technology as a form of trust rather than just trusting someone outright. I will suggest that we take off location-sharing and see how that goes.

 

Later more...

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No, I don't need permission. I'm just going to tell him that it's my decision to take it off or turn it on when I want. If he says that turning it off means I'm trying to hide something or makes things suspicious, especially now around the time that we'll be entering an LDR, then so be it. If that's what breaks the trust in our relationship, then I don't want to have anything to do with it.

 

I'm a pretty chill and passive person, and he's the opposite. He has asked me to stand up for my opinions and my beliefs, and not to enable him to do things that bother me but to speak up about them. He's very assertive when it comes to things that bother him. So this is going to be fun little exercise!

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No, I don't need permission. I'm just going to tell him that it's my decision to take it off or turn it on when I want. If he says that turning it off means I'm trying to hide something or makes things suspicious, especially now around the time that we'll be entering an LDR, then so be it. If that's what breaks the trust in our relationship, then I don't want to have anything to do with it.

 

I'm a pretty chill and passive person, and he's the opposite. He has asked me to stand up for my opinions and my beliefs, and not to enable him to do things that bother me but to speak up about them. He's very assertive when it comes to things that bother him. So this is going to be fun little exercise!

 

Good to hear. Let us know how it goes.

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Every relationship has its own private logic system, and sometimes, when we reveal a piece of that system to strangers, eyebrows are raised, judgements cast. Can I, with some inhales and exhales, conceive of a #2019 romantic partnership that "has fun" allowing for the location-sharing? I suppose. Not for me, but neither is Instagram super cuteness or certain sex toys, both things I know bring a lot of fun to certain couples. That said, when 30 minutes of non-location-sharing triggers an earthquake I think it's pretty clear that the fun is over, and maybe wasn't ever quite as fun as everyone thought it was. Maybe "fun" was a better, if less accurate, word for what it was. It is a much nicer word than "control," "paranoia," and "insecurity," for sure.

 

To me, the location-sharing stuff, and the mini fissure it caused, wasn't really what raised my eyebrows with your post. Initially, sure, but that's not why the eyebrows remain raised.

 

From the bleacher seats, it's pretty clear that your boyfriend doesn't trust you, which is to say that there really isn't any trust to "break" at the moment. That can be good news (if you both sincerely want recognize that and build trust) or bad news (if one or both of you requires the story that you are in a trusting relationship). Time will tell. But facts are facts, and the fact is that every 3-6 months he turns suspicious, accusatory, traveling out to emotional dump, digging up something long buried that was never trash in the first place, and throwing it at you as your trash, as he did again the other day. Fact is that you occasionally wonder (understandably and wisely, I might add) if he's throwing these barbs your way to mask some untrustworthy behavior of his own.

 

Anyhow, all that is page one of the Distrust chapter of the Relationship Handbook. Regardless of the eccentricities that make a certain couple spin round, I do hope you can see, perhaps in the wake of this moment, that none of that is trust. It is more like trust's mischievous cousin, who from a distance looks kind of like trust but is really trust turned into a test, a carrot on a stick. Sometimes there might be a nibble, but it's still on the stick, just out of reach. That's what makes the nibbles feel so profound. Still, subsisting on nibbles is not nourishing; it's why fashion models look kind of sickly outside of professional photographs.

 

His narrative, as you said, is more or less that you have cheated on him. And it seems, in ways, that you agree with this, or at least that you believe you have something to atone for, some "sin" that keeps him elevated on a "moral, ethical" plane in your eyes and you a few notches below that, tainted perhaps by your "spotty past." In your shoes I'd really take a moment to reflect on that, and find a way to shed that rather than thinking of continuously "processing" all that negativity as positive growth and potent intimacy. Even if he's presently incapable of trusting you—or women in general—it will help you trust yourself a bit more than I think you do.

 

The other thing here that's confusing to me is that, for as unnerved as he got about the location-sharing stuff, he doesn't exactly seem committed to the relationship. He's moving away. Should you be willing to turn your life upside down to join him—no small ask, that—he doesn't want to live together anymore. You are framing that as a vital step toward engagement, but is he?

 

From your last post about him, over a year ago, it sounded like getting engaged and being married were things he was trying to distance himself from, since you were not a "10" (like his ex) but an "8." Has he since decided you are a 10, or found comfort in an 8? Do you feel like a 10, next to him, as people generally like to feel in relationships? Or is moving away, and then living apart in the same city, another way to explore and maybe bridge that stubborn 2-point gap?

 

Another carrot on another stick.

 

The impression I get is that you are both highly intelligent people who value self-growth and self-improvement. Great stuff, all that. But there are real limitations to turning other people into vessels for our personal growth. We outgrow them, instead of growing alongside them. Or we grow in a tight little circle instead of up, and outward, which is to say we don't grow but stay stunted. Or we take solace in the "nice little experiments" to substitute for the solace lacking in just being in a relationship.

 

Anyhow, food for thought, to nibble on as you see fit.

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