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Thread: Boyfriend suspicious after I put my phone on airplane and he couldn't locate me

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Oh, dear. Good catch, blue.
    I was reluctant to bring up that past thread, though when I read it after this one I felt a pang of sadness. So many carrots on so many sticks. So much jumping, which is not the same thing as growing. Can feel like it, save the part where jumping is draining while growing is strengthening.

    In 2017, OP, you went to Venice where you thought you were about to be engaged. No dice. Sigh. A year later there was the question of whether there was enough "passion," for him, to press the nuptial button. Sigh. And here we are three sneezes from 2020 and engagement is now predicated on first living in separate cities, then living in the same city, but no longer together. Sigh.

    Relationships do not grow in a straight line, I get it. But all that looks less like a quirky, unconventional path to marriage, let alone romantic harmony, than like a circle, or a spiral, or perhaps a hoop that may, per clever but astute Camber, be set on fire come 2021.

    I'm sure this guy has all sorts of fine qualities and that you guys have shared some epic and rewarding times, but I also think you see some kind of nobility in him, some idea that if this can work then it means whatever chapters came before him weren't "spotty," but were stepping stones to, well, this. Atonement. Salvation. To which I want to say to you: they were never spotty, whatever they were, and no man worth his salt would make you feel bad for who you are and where you've been. And to which I want to say to him: shame on you for making her think they were, for years.

    And, I'm sorry, but I think he's smart enough to know what he's doing, and smart enough to hate himself, a bit, for doing it, since it runs counter to some of those good qualities. But the little explosion of angst triggered by the switch to airplane mode? It's not really about your location or your relationship or even you. It's that self-hate being weaponized and redirected at you.

    There might be a woman out there who finds that straight-up laughable, and metabolizes it the way I feel after getting shot by a squirt gun by a toddler. And in that moment his ridiculousness is reflected back on him, by someone he admires, and he grows a few millimeters and stops being a fool. That is how growth, alongside another, happens. It's not a series of therapeutic conversations or emotional advanced yoga poses, but an extension of chemistry.

    But I don't think you've been that woman, and that's okay. Not okay is someone who causes you to continually question your self-worth. It's precious stuff, that, and questioning it is how it get depleted. Not okay is when someone is given a front row seat to our most fragile corners—which is what a partner gets—and pokes at them instead of respecting and cherishing them, so your self-worth is not depleted but stays level, maybe even rises.

    When someone is commanding you to stop enabling them it means, really, that they like you enabling them. They're refusing to give you the steering wheel, or, at best, letting you rest your hand on it while they steer, like an adult putting a kid in his lap while driving. The child thinks he is controlling the vehicle, but it's an illusion that is only seductive and convincing for so long.

    You're not going to end a nearly 4 year relationship tomorrow because some pixilated straw people like myself got on the bullhorn. I get that. Don't blame you. But it does seem, with him soon to move away, that you have been presented with a fortuitous moment for reflection. You are 35 and are still having to litigate chapters from your 20s in order to soothe a man who didn't know you then. This is a good time to ask if that's how you want to continue spending your time, if there is still growth there and if this is a person you are still able to genuinely grow alongside.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Omg, after reading all these posts I just honestly cant understand why you are still with him.
    He sounds like so much hard work.
    I would look at his move as a god send & delete him out of your life.
    You deserve someone who loves & cares for you.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by alibabac
    He hasn't had as many sexual encounters, and often questioned my moral and ethical past.
    This guy sucks. He has zero right to shame you because you've had more partners than him.

    I hope you realize you shouldn't have to walk on egg shells with your partner.

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