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Thread: Boyfriend suspicious after I put my phone on airplane and he couldn't locate me

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you need his permission?
    Originally Posted by alibabac
    I will suggest that we take off location-sharing and see how that goes.

  2. #22
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    No, I don't need permission. I'm just going to tell him that it's my decision to take it off or turn it on when I want. If he says that turning it off means I'm trying to hide something or makes things suspicious, especially now around the time that we'll be entering an LDR, then so be it. If that's what breaks the trust in our relationship, then I don't want to have anything to do with it.

    I'm a pretty chill and passive person, and he's the opposite. He has asked me to stand up for my opinions and my beliefs, and not to enable him to do things that bother me but to speak up about them. He's very assertive when it comes to things that bother him. So this is going to be fun little exercise!

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by alibabac
    No, I don't need permission. I'm just going to tell him that it's my decision to take it off or turn it on when I want. If he says that turning it off means I'm trying to hide something or makes things suspicious, especially now around the time that we'll be entering an LDR, then so be it. If that's what breaks the trust in our relationship, then I don't want to have anything to do with it.

    I'm a pretty chill and passive person, and he's the opposite. He has asked me to stand up for my opinions and my beliefs, and not to enable him to do things that bother me but to speak up about them. He's very assertive when it comes to things that bother him. So this is going to be fun little exercise!
    Good to hear. Let us know how it goes.

  4. #24
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    Knowing an employees location, is completely different than a partner's.

    Your relationship is not healthy and you totally enable him.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Every relationship has its own private logic system, and sometimes, when we reveal a piece of that system to strangers, eyebrows are raised, judgements cast. Can I, with some inhales and exhales, conceive of a #2019 romantic partnership that "has fun" allowing for the location-sharing? I suppose. Not for me, but neither is Instagram super cuteness or certain sex toys, both things I know bring a lot of fun to certain couples. That said, when 30 minutes of non-location-sharing triggers an earthquake I think it's pretty clear that the fun is over, and maybe wasn't ever quite as fun as everyone thought it was. Maybe "fun" was a better, if less accurate, word for what it was. It is a much nicer word than "control," "paranoia," and "insecurity," for sure.

    To me, the location-sharing stuff, and the mini fissure it caused, wasn't really what raised my eyebrows with your post. Initially, sure, but that's not why the eyebrows remain raised.

    From the bleacher seats, it's pretty clear that your boyfriend doesn't trust you, which is to say that there really isn't any trust to "break" at the moment. That can be good news (if you both sincerely want recognize that and build trust) or bad news (if one or both of you requires the story that you are in a trusting relationship). Time will tell. But facts are facts, and the fact is that every 3-6 months he turns suspicious, accusatory, traveling out to emotional dump, digging up something long buried that was never trash in the first place, and throwing it at you as your trash, as he did again the other day. Fact is that you occasionally wonder (understandably and wisely, I might add) if he's throwing these barbs your way to mask some untrustworthy behavior of his own.

    Anyhow, all that is page one of the Distrust chapter of the Relationship Handbook. Regardless of the eccentricities that make a certain couple spin round, I do hope you can see, perhaps in the wake of this moment, that none of that is trust. It is more like trust's mischievous cousin, who from a distance looks kind of like trust but is really trust turned into a test, a carrot on a stick. Sometimes there might be a nibble, but it's still on the stick, just out of reach. That's what makes the nibbles feel so profound. Still, subsisting on nibbles is not nourishing; it's why fashion models look kind of sickly outside of professional photographs.

    His narrative, as you said, is more or less that you have cheated on him. And it seems, in ways, that you agree with this, or at least that you believe you have something to atone for, some "sin" that keeps him elevated on a "moral, ethical" plane in your eyes and you a few notches below that, tainted perhaps by your "spotty past." In your shoes I'd really take a moment to reflect on that, and find a way to shed that rather than thinking of continuously "processing" all that negativity as positive growth and potent intimacy. Even if he's presently incapable of trusting you—or women in general—it will help you trust yourself a bit more than I think you do.

    The other thing here that's confusing to me is that, for as unnerved as he got about the location-sharing stuff, he doesn't exactly seem committed to the relationship. He's moving away. Should you be willing to turn your life upside down to join him—no small ask, that—he doesn't want to live together anymore. You are framing that as a vital step toward engagement, but is he?

    From your last post about him, over a year ago, it sounded like getting engaged and being married were things he was trying to distance himself from, since you were not a "10" (like his ex) but an "8." Has he since decided you are a 10, or found comfort in an 8? Do you feel like a 10, next to him, as people generally like to feel in relationships? Or is moving away, and then living apart in the same city, another way to explore and maybe bridge that stubborn 2-point gap?

    Another carrot on another stick.

    The impression I get is that you are both highly intelligent people who value self-growth and self-improvement. Great stuff, all that. But there are real limitations to turning other people into vessels for our personal growth. We outgrow them, instead of growing alongside them. Or we grow in a tight little circle instead of up, and outward, which is to say we don't grow but stay stunted. Or we take solace in the "nice little experiments" to substitute for the solace lacking in just being in a relationship.

    Anyhow, food for thought, to nibble on as you see fit.
    Last edited by bluecastle; 09-18-2019 at 05:15 PM.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by alibabac
    Many people share their locations with others 24/7 nowadays, perhaps it's a millennial thing. My BF and his boss were even sharing their location (my BF's suggestion again). When my BF stopped sharing his location with his boss, the boss sent him a frowny face because he enjoyed seeing what he was up to. I warned my BF that sharing his location with the boss would make their relationship strange, and he did feel the pressure of his boss knowing his every move.
    This is also very strange, if your boyfriend is not using a company phone or leaving the office on company time. Why would your boyfriend suggest this, and are you sure that's even the whole story? I hate to say it, but guys like your boyfriend will often fabricate or change details to prove how "normal" their controlling behaviour is. They will try to convince you that other people do this too, to manipulate you into believing that you are the one with the problem for not wanting to comply.

    The problem with this "fun" location-sharing is that your boyfriend has just revealed he's essentially using it to track you, because he does not trust you. He had you convinced it would be fun, and you bought it. It's not a fun game for him, though; it's a way to control you. If it weren't, he wouldn't have cared if you'd been on airplane mode or silent or turned the darn thing off for a while. He'd respect that you were being honest. On that note, you're underestimating the disrespect he's shown you by assuming you are the type of girl who fools around on her boyfriend; let that sink in. He evidently doesn't think you're above that and doesn't think you really have a moral compass.

    I wouldn't suggest taking off location-sharing. I would just go ahead and do it, and explain that you aren't going to enable his insecurity anymore. Then I would take some time with yourself trying to understand why you have permitted yourself to be under this thumb this way at all until now.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Brilliant!
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    when 30 minutes of non-location-sharing triggers an earthquake I think it's pretty clear that the fun is over.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    From your last post about him, over a year ago, it sounded like getting engaged and being married were things he was trying to distance himself from, since you were not a "10" (like his ex) but an "8." Has he since decided you are a 10, or found comfort in an 8? Do you feel like a 10, next to him, as people generally like to feel in relationships? Or is moving away, and then living apart in the same city, another way to explore and maybe bridge that stubborn 2-point gap?.
    Oh, dear. Good catch, blue.

    OP, this thread and the previous one here, [Register to see the link] , tell the story of a woman with not a lot of self-worth, and a guy she tries to jump through hoops for. He evidently keeps moving the hoops around and holding them at different angles, and you you have so far just kept jumping.

  10. #29
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    ...the story of a woman with not a lot of self-worth, and a guy she tries to jump through hoops for. He evidently keeps moving the hoops around and holding them at different angles, and you you have so far just kept jumping.
    Next he will be lighting the hoops on fire...

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    Oh, dear. Good catch, blue.

    OP, this thread and the previous one here, [Register to see the link] , tell the story of a woman with not a lot of self-worth, and a guy she tries to jump through hoops for. He evidently keeps moving the hoops around and holding them at different angles, and you you have so far just kept jumping.
    Yikes! Oh, OP! You really need to address your self worth. Kick this controlling creep to the curb and consider some counselling for your self esteem.

    Why did you not leave when he compared you to his ex, and called you an 8? You should have been done.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-18-2019 at 06:22 PM.

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