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Thread: Maybe we should separate

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Yes, I understand. If this is the case (with the living situation), she's been as honest as she can possibly be without it becoming a point of argument with you. It really doesn't sound like she's too eager to make any big changes in her life or commit to anything with you. I'd back off from this idea for awhile if you can manage it and see whether this relationship is healthy for you. I'm wondering if you're coming on a bit strong since your frustrations are getting worse over time. Take your time to think it over. If you do feel it's not fulfilling enough, you'll eventually know when enough is enough. There is nothing worse than feeling neglected or as if your partner is uncaring of your thoughts.

    It is possible, by the way, to love someone and not feel comfortable around that person. I loved someone once but ended up going our separate ways due to other reasons. Love is more or less an involuntary emotion, an attachment and bond. Discomfort is another feeling that often comes about from uncomfortable facts or events that have occurred, a part of our rational mind that is difficult to ignore. We all have to do what's best for ourselves eventually. You're not alone there.
    Then perhaps I’m not the only one in this relationship who’s failing to take the other person as they are. As far as pushing her, I haven’t in any way. I asked her about living together once about three months ago and she gave me no answer. I tried once more a few weeks later and that’s when she told me about her rental agreement. At that point I dropped it and haven’t brought it up again.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    These are wise words, thank you. Why do you say forget growing old together it won't happen? Basic compatibility or this baggage that you speak of? I mean, everybody's got baggage. I have very little because I've managed to get through my life with no kids and no divorces, by my own design. But I know that's rare. At my age, pretty much everyone I meet is going to have some baggage.
    You're welcome, jul-els. I meant forget growing old together if she lacks enthusiasm for you and the relationship itself. Baggage meaning she's a package deal as in kids and dealing with her ex which puts you lower on her priority list.

    Compatibility issues are huge. You want more than she's willing to give which is problematic. You need to ask yourself how much longer are you willing to hang on? Don't have unrealistic expectations otherwise you'll continue to become sorely disappointed.

    She has baggage meaning her mind isn't clear and you will never be exclusive in her mind because you must share her brain space with her sons who have top priority. You have to take a backseat or number.

    Look at the facts. You know how she behaves. See how you two are together. If this continues as is, your patience will run out one of these days. In the meantime, you must be patient because it is what it is. If you can't tolerate these behaviors and conditions any longer, then you need to ask yourself if it's time to part ways or if this relationship is fixable.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Good stuff from Cherylyn and Rose, this line especially: "You want more than she's willing to give which is problematic." I get that you haven't been pushy on the moving-in front—or really pushy in general—but sometimes those wants are like invisible pushes, or get processed as pushes. Sometimes, frustrating as it is, someone who is actively trying not to be pushy can come across as pushy, since there's this quiet energy of "holding back," of wanting something that the other can't provide. Lovely as the notion of growing old together is—and, from one angle, a very chill proposition—I get the sense that she is in triage mode right now, struggling to think about more than just each day, so even someone (you) expressing a desire to grow old together might strike her like an avalanche, something she does not have it in her brain to compute right now.

    That's just the stuff you can't really change: the page you're on, the page another is on, and where those pages differ. When I was in my 20s, for instance, I was a very frustrating boyfriend to two girlfriends because any time they'd ask about taking a trip together—even just a weekend getaway—I would combust, get irritable, shut down. I was so focused on work that I had this idea that if I left the city for three days I'd "lose my place in line." Silly, looking back, but that's where I was, who I was. Today I'm a guy who will basically go anywhere anytime—the guy they wanted me to be back then—though I have the means to back up that fleet-footed attitude because I worked like a banshee in my 20s to create a sustainable, schedule-free life.

    What I don't agree with, on a general level, is the idea that dating someone with kids means you have to take a "backseat." More like a different kind of seat. It works beautifully for some, doesn't work for others, and so many factors are involved that I don't think generalities about "dating someone with children" do much good. Like anything, it either works, or it doesn't. You, right now, are facing the hard question of whether this dynamic, with this person, can genuinely work for you.

    I live in SoCal too. Next time you're stuck in traffic and motorcycle zips past you, give a wave. It might be me.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Good stuff from Cherylyn and Rose, this line especially: "You want more than she's willing to give which is problematic." I get that you haven't been pushy on the moving-in front—or really pushy in general—but sometimes those wants are like invisible pushes, or get processed as pushes. Sometimes, frustrating as it is, someone who is actively trying not to be pushy can come across as pushy, since there's this quiet energy of "holding back," of wanting something that the other can't provide. Lovely as the notion of growing old together is—and, from one angle, a very chill proposition—I get the sense that she is in triage mode right now, struggling to think about more than just each day, so even someone (you) expressing a desire to grow old together might strike her like an avalanche, something she does not have it in her brain to compute right now.

    That's just the stuff you can't really change: the page you're on, the page another is on, and where those pages differ. When I was in my 20s, for instance, I was a very frustrating boyfriend to two girlfriends because any time they'd ask about taking a trip together—even just a weekend getaway—I would combust, get irritable, shut down. I was so focused on work that I had this idea that if I left the city for three days I'd "lose my place in line." Silly, looking back, but that's where I was, who I was. Today I'm a guy who will basically go anywhere anytime—the guy they wanted me to be back then—though I have the means to back up that fleet-footed attitude because I worked like a banshee in my 20s to create a sustainable, schedule-free life.

    What I don't agree with, on a general level, is the idea that dating someone with kids means you have to take a "backseat." More like a different kind of seat. It works beautifully for some, doesn't work for others, and so many factors are involved that I don't think generalities about "dating someone with children" do much good. Like anything, it either works, or it doesn't. You, right now, are facing the hard question of whether this dynamic, with this person, can genuinely work for you.

    I live in SoCal too. Next time you're stuck in traffic and motorcycle zips past you, give a wave. It might be me.
    Nice. I rode for five years. Hung it up a couple years ago, though. What do you ride? Last bike I had was a 2000 Road King. It was a garage queen. Got it with 3000 miles on it. Gorgeous bike. Anyway I completely agree with you about the kids. That in and of itself shouldn’t matter. We are on the same page or we’re not. Some communication between her and I would help in this area, but I know I’m not going to get it. If she is in triage mode and her brain can’t compute as you say, why would she welcome me into a serious relationship? That makes no sense to me. I discussed this with my sister, and she says that’s why she doesn’t have any female friends. Because they’re evil and they lie and manipulate to get what they want. Maybe some do, but I really don’t want to believe that my girlfriend is that type of person. Maybe I’m never going to find out.

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  6. #35
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    Attraction happens with the eyes. Love happens between the ears. You two sound incompatible.

  7. #36
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Current bikes: 2008 Yamaha WR250x, my daily hooligan on/off-road troublemaker and spirit-enhancer, and a 1972 Honda CB750, for when I just need to be "that guy" with a stupidly hip toy. There's a little Vespa in a garage in another city, and dreams of certain Ducati that I suspect I'll make come true sooner than later, but I digress...

    I'm sure your sister is lovely, but I'd let that stuff go in one ear and out the other, since sweeping, negative assumptions about genders don't do anyone any favors, unless bitterness is your preferred wake-up fuel. I don't think a "serious relationship" is one thing, but something we define in our heads and with someone else. In other words, she may be giving you everything she has to give for a serious relationship, by her definition at this juncture in her life, without it matching yours, at this juncture in your life. That's compatibility, you know? I was serious about those women I wouldn't go on trips with. They saw my unwillingness to go on trips as a sign of me not being serious. We were all "right," just not right for each other.

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Attraction happens with the eyes. Love happens between the ears. You two sound incompatible.
    It looks like that may very well be the case. If we could just talk about it, I would like that. I'm 99% sure any attempts by me to do so however will be met with silence.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Current bikes: 2008 Yamaha WR250x, my daily hooligan on/off-road troublemaker and spirit-enhancer, and a 1972 Honda CB750, for when I just need to be "that guy" with a stupidly hip toy. There's a little Vespa in a garage in another city, and dreams of certain Ducati that I suspect I'll make come true sooner than later, but I digress...

    I'm sure your sister is lovely, but I'd let that stuff go in one ear and out the other, since sweeping, negative assumptions about genders don't do anyone any favors, unless bitterness is your preferred wake-up fuel. I don't think a "serious relationship" is one thing, but something we define in our heads and with someone else. In other words, she may be giving you everything she has to give for a serious relationship, by her definition at this juncture in her life, without it matching yours, at this juncture in your life. That's compatibility, you know? I was serious about those women I wouldn't go on trips with. They saw my unwillingness to go on trips as a sign of me not being serious. We were all "right," just not right for each other.
    Yeah, I know there are genuine feelings there for both her and I. The silence just is becoming too much for me to bear, though. It feels like a slow death. That's not a desirable position to be in, unfortunately.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    Yeah, I know there are genuine feelings there for both her and I. The silence just is becoming too much for me to bear, though. It feels like a slow death. That's not a desirable position to be in, unfortunately.
    Nope. No fun to ride on flat tires, no matter how striking the scenery.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Good stuff from Cherylyn and Rose, this line especially: "You want more than she's willing to give which is problematic." I get that you haven't been pushy on the moving-in front—or really pushy in general—but sometimes those wants are like invisible pushes, or get processed as pushes. Sometimes, frustrating as it is, someone who is actively trying not to be pushy can come across as pushy, since there's this quiet energy of "holding back," of wanting something that the other can't provide. Lovely as the notion of growing old together is—and, from one angle, a very chill proposition—I get the sense that she is in triage mode right now, struggling to think about more than just each day, so even someone (you) expressing a desire to grow old together might strike her like an avalanche, something she does not have it in her brain to compute right now.

    That's just the stuff you can't really change: the page you're on, the page another is on, and where those pages differ. When I was in my 20s, for instance, I was a very frustrating boyfriend to two girlfriends because any time they'd ask about taking a trip together—even just a weekend getaway—I would combust, get irritable, shut down. I was so focused on work that I had this idea that if I left the city for three days I'd "lose my place in line." Silly, looking back, but that's where I was, who I was. Today I'm a guy who will basically go anywhere anytime—the guy they wanted me to be back then—though I have the means to back up that fleet-footed attitude because I worked like a banshee in my 20s to create a sustainable, schedule-free life.

    What I don't agree with, on a general level, is the idea that dating someone with kids means you have to take a "backseat." More like a different kind of seat. It works beautifully for some, doesn't work for others, and so many factors are involved that I don't think generalities about "dating someone with children" do much good. Like anything, it either works, or it doesn't. You, right now, are facing the hard question of whether this dynamic, with this person, can genuinely work for you.

    I live in SoCal too. Next time you're stuck in traffic and motorcycle zips past you, give a wave. It might be me.
    Good stuff, too bluecastle.

    When I referred taking a backseat or taking a number (as if you're at the deli / butcher counter), I meant that since children will always take top priority in a parent's life, you have to be prepared to realizing you'll never be top priority in the parent's life. There are several young people ahead of you who need you for their survival. Then after they grow up, even though they're not as time consuming as before, there's a huge chunk of heart space they'll forever have in a parent's lifetime. In other words, you will always SHARE your girlfriend with her children. Just be prepared and you'll be ok.

    Dating or having relationships with people who have children is definitely challenging. I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just saying it's easier and less complicated to have relationships with people without children. However, if your dating pool is limited where beggars can't be choosers, then you just have to be prepared for reality due to various stages in a parent's life.

    Keep in mind, money. Children require money for their daily survival needs and later for their formal educations. This means there's less money to go around for you and your relationship unless you don't mind doing everything on the cheap because young people take precedence over you. Just get a reality check and you'll be ok with children in the picture.

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