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Thread: Maybe we should separate

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    I'm not dismissive. Tell us, what is it that you love about her. You said it yourself, 90 percent of the time, you're not even communicating. Sex isn't a relationship. A relationship is about communicating ideas and building a life together, sharing moments.

    You're frustrated and hurt cos she doesn't even talk to you.
    I don't understand? Why stay. As bluecastle said, take away the physical, what are you fighting for?
    If you take the time to read the thread you'll see I've already answered that question. Please be present in the conversation before interjecting.

  2. #22
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    Stop getting so defensive. I'm not the one in the situation, you are. Anyway best of luck -_-.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    I've been in an abusive relationship too, it doesn't actually cause these kind of issues. I think she needs to see a therapist and I think you need to move on. All your wishing and hoping isn't going to change the reality of things. Don't you want more? You're not going to get it from her.
    You might be right. You might be wrong. I'm currently at a point where I'm willing to find out if her and I can have more. Whatever the case may be, the final note has not been played yet.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Her two boys aren't going anywhere and she will forever be their mother. You have automatic lower priority and status. She has a lot on her plate with working as a single parent plus perhaps she's concerned about saving money for their college educations. She is a heck of a lot busier and more stressed than you are.

    She doesn't have time for you and she's fatigued.

    Forget growing old together. It won't happen.

    In the future, be in a relationship with a woman without baggage which will make your life easier and less complicated. Both of you can concentrate on the relationship instead of kids.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Her two boys aren't going anywhere and she will forever be their mother. You have automatic lower priority and status. She has a lot on her plate with working as a single parent plus perhaps she's concerned about saving money for their college educations. She is a heck of a lot busier and more stressed than you are.

    She doesn't have time for you and she's fatigued.

    Forget growing old together. It won't happen.

    In the future, be in a relationship with a woman without baggage which will make your life easier and less complicated. Both of you can concentrate on the relationship instead of kids.
    These are wise words, thank you. Why do you say forget growing old together it won't happen? Basic compatibility or this baggage that you speak of? I mean, everybody's got baggage. I have very little because I've managed to get through my life with no kids and no divorces, by my own design. But I know that's rare. At my age, pretty much everyone I meet is going to have some baggage.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with the majority of the members who are cautioning you with this lady. The issue isn't whether she's talkative or not, vocal or not (personality trait). I also don't think it's about baggage or being damaged goods. Yes, we all have stories. It's about being dismissive towards you on topics that make and break a relationship. I feel like she is leading you on and if she has concerns about the future, her children, the house, her parents, she is either not comfortable discussing it with you (it's sensitive and personal and may have to do with personal finances) or she doesn't see a future with you. Given the amount of time you both spend together I think it's the former.

    Are you in a financially stable place, have a stable career, your own home? I'm a bit uncomfortable with the way she seemed uneasy speaking in detail about the house and you pushing or needing more answers. I could be wrong in the way I interpreted that part. Just as she is absolutely entitled to withhold information from someone she doesn't feel comfortable around, you are also entitled to feeling like you're being neglected and you're not being taken seriously.

    I think if you're both coming at this from different stages in your lives, I'm sensing a lot of hesitation and push back from her that may be very valid on her part. She may also be uncertain about you in general or some aspect of you or your life and is resisting the long term marriage model of a relationship that you're looking for. Her remaining mum about the whole thing isn't doing either of you favours. Neither of you should be neglecting any big questions regarding your relationship, no matter how offensive or rude it may sound and I think she may actually be afraid of offending you or losing that companionship and friendship that you provide. Be clear about what you need in a relationship and don't go back to her if you have chosen to end things. Choosing to end the relationship based on lack of fulfillment is not a shameful thing. Be honest with yourself.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I agree with the majority of the members who are cautioning you with this lady. The issue isn't whether she's talkative or not, vocal or not (personality trait). I also don't think it's about baggage or being damaged goods. Yes, we all have stories. It's about being dismissive towards you on topics that make and break a relationship. I feel like she is leading you on and if she has concerns about the future, her children, the house, her parents, she is either not comfortable discussing it with you (it's sensitive and personal and may have to do with personal finances) or she doesn't see a future with you. Given the amount of time you both spend together I think it's the former.

    Are you in a financially stable place, have a stable career, your own home? I'm a bit uncomfortable with the way she seemed uneasy speaking in detail about the house and you pushing or needing more answers. I could be wrong in the way I interpreted that part. Just as she is absolutely entitled to withhold information from someone she doesn't feel comfortable around, you are also entitled to feeling like you're being neglected and you're not being taken seriously.

    I think if you're both coming at this from different stages in your lives, I'm sensing a lot of hesitation and push back from her that may be very valid on her part. She may also be uncertain about you in general or some aspect of you or your life and is resisting the long term marriage model of a relationship that you're looking for. Her remaining mum about the whole thing isn't doing either of you favours. Neither of you should be neglecting any big questions regarding your relationship, no matter how offensive or rude it may sound and I think she may actually be afraid of offending you or losing that companionship and friendship that you provide. Be clear about what you need in a relationship and don't go back to her if you have chosen to end things. Choosing to end the relationship based on lack of fulfillment is not a shameful thing. Be honest with yourself.
    Thank you. Just to be clear, I've never asked her about her house or financial situation. I really couldn't care less about those things. I asked her if she wanted to live together and to grow old with me. She didn't have a lot to say about it, but she did say we couldn't live together because of her rental agreement.

    My financial situation is relatively stable, but I don't have any great career. I have been at the same job for the past 18 years however, with reasonably good pay, excellent benefits, 401K, etc. It's a manual labor job, however, not something someone would classify as a career. I don't own a home. I live in southern California where real estate prices are extremely exorbitant, so I rent a room. I also have no kids and no debt of any kind whatsoever. And a credit score of 847 if that matters, lol. She is not a pillar of ambition either. But we are both hard workers who are valued by the companies we work for. She also has a manual labor job that she's been at for three years and she has no benefits at all. She collects alimony and has some money invested. I make plenty enough money to split the rent on a place with her, but that's definitely not going to work for her because of her personal situation. I'm fine with that, though. I would like to live with her, but she has to handle her own business as she sees fit. The only thing that bothers me about that is I don't know if she shares my desire to live together. She only told me she can't. She's never mentioned anything to me about whether or not it's something she wants.

    At any rate, I don't believe love should have anything to do with money. I earn my money at my job and it's mine. Same goes for her as far as I'm concerned. That said, I am very generous with my money and treat her to many things. And she does the same for me. She can't do so as much as I do as she has more bills than I do, but she definitely does share.

    As far as her feeling comfortable with me, she's done everything to make me feel like she is. She tells me she loves me all the time. How could she love me and not feel comfortable with me? That doesn't make any sense to me.

    She's done everything else to make me believe that she's 100% into me. If she has a lot of hesitation and uncertainty, the way she has treated me has led me to believe the opposite. I think she's into me up to the point that it's comfortable and works for her. Beyond that, I don't think she has much consideration about it. That's the nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I could be wrong about this. But again, I can't find out because she won't talk. I think you can see my frustration. Lol.

  9. #28
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    If someone has to change to be right for you...they're wrong for you.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    If someone has to change to be right for you...they're wrong for you.
    That's it in a nutshell. I have to take her as she is or not at all.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jul-els
    Thank you. Just to be clear, I've never asked her about her house or financial situation. I really couldn't care less about those things. I asked her if she wanted to live together and to grow old with me. She didn't have a lot to say about it, but she did say we couldn't live together because of her rental agreement.

    My financial situation is relatively stable, but I don't have any great career. I have been at the same job for the past 18 years however, with reasonably good pay, excellent benefits, 401K, etc. It's a manual labor job, however, not something someone would classify as a career. I don't own a home. I live in southern California where real estate prices are extremely exorbitant, so I rent a room. I also have no kids and no debt of any kind whatsoever. And a credit score of 847 if that matters, lol. She is not a pillar of ambition either. But we are both hard workers who are valued by the companies we work for. She also has a manual labor job that she's been at for three years and she has no benefits at all. She collects alimony and has some money invested. I make plenty enough money to split the rent on a place with her, but that's definitely not going to work for her because of her personal situation. I'm fine with that, though. I would like to live with her, but she has to handle her own business as she sees fit. The only thing that bothers me about that is I don't know if she shares my desire to live together. She only told me she can't. She's never mentioned anything to me about whether or not it's something she wants.

    At any rate, I don't believe love should have anything to do with money. I earn my money at my job and it's mine. Same goes for her as far as I'm concerned. That said, I am very generous with my money and treat her to many things. And she does the same for me. She can't do so as much as I do as she has more bills than I do, but she definitely does share.

    As far as her feeling comfortable with me, she's done everything to make me feel like she is. She tells me she loves me all the time. How could she love me and not feel comfortable with me? That doesn't make any sense to me.

    She's done everything else to make me believe that she's 100% into me. If she has a lot of hesitation and uncertainty, the way she has treated me has led me to believe the opposite. I think she's into me up to the point that it's comfortable and works for her. Beyond that, I don't think she has much consideration about it. That's the nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I could be wrong about this. But again, I can't find out because she won't talk. I think you can see my frustration. Lol.
    Yes, I understand. If this is the case (with the living situation), she's been as honest as she can possibly be without it becoming a point of argument with you. It really doesn't sound like she's too eager to make any big changes in her life or commit to anything with you. I'd back off from this idea for awhile if you can manage it and see whether this relationship is healthy for you. I'm wondering if you're coming on a bit strong since your frustrations are getting worse over time. Take your time to think it over. If you do feel it's not fulfilling enough, you'll eventually know when enough is enough. There is nothing worse than feeling neglected or as if your partner is uncaring of your thoughts.

    It is possible, by the way, to love someone and not feel comfortable around that person. I loved someone once but ended up going our separate ways due to other reasons. Love is more or less an involuntary emotion, an attachment and bond. Discomfort is another feeling that often comes about from uncomfortable facts or events that have occurred, a part of our rational mind that is difficult to ignore. We all have to do what's best for ourselves eventually. You're not alone there.

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