Long Distance Dumper Regret

So I have thought a lot where to get some insight on this matter, since I live far away from my loved ones and even though they want to help, they haven't been through something similar, that is: long distance breakup.

My boyfriend and I met while studying abroad, I still live here, he has moved back home. We kept our relationship going for 1 year because the feelings were strong, our relationship beautiful and there were plans of him coming back here to study more.

I visited him twice during our long distance relationship and we kept in touch daily, even talked for hours while apart. He didn't succeed to come here back in June due to Visa-reasons, which made me really depressed and on top of that the fights increased due to his insecurities. A month after the rejection I startes having doubts about him actually making it to come here and distanced myself. As a result, he chased me and I broke up with him. During the breakup he blamed me for messing with his feelings and feeling terrible because of me. But soon after he calmed down and he agreed it would be right for us to break up. We agreed that we both want to stay in touch regularly and that we want to see each other again once he comes here.

Fast forward 3 months, we kept in touch during this time, also flirted. It felt natural. Everything seemed to be going towards rekindling.

During the last two weeks of our contact he told me though that he feels emotionally exhausted not knowing were we stand.

We had a few disagreements because I missed him and tried to get him to talk more often.

I proceeded to tell him that i miss him and i wish we could be together again.

He said it is not possible from a distance, that he suffered a lot because of me and that he can only imagine having me back as a GF when we both end up in the same country.

I was devastated, cried, asked for forgiveness, begged. He still called me "baby", but he was colder than usual.

I sent him another message a few days later stating that he is right, that we both need time to process things and that in the meantime we should take care of ourselves. I wished him to take good care and said i m happy to hear from him.

He responded positively and said that i am right, and that he is also happy to hear from me, and we never know, what the future holds. He never stopped hoping to get back together, but it can't be the center of his life anymore.

Now I feel like i miss the hell out of him, since we were so similar in everything and shared love. He was my best friend and boyfriend. I m broken beyond words. I decided to do what is best, which is to let things cool down, but i m scared he will decide to move on completely and never look back.

I know i deserve the pain, but i seriously hope we will be back together once he comes here.

Do you think not being in contact will make him lose his feelings? Has anyone experienced something similar and how did you manage?

I don't want to date around neither did i want it this whole period we were talking but broken up, just to be clear. We were very serious about our relationship and our families knew about us.

What is the best approach to this break up?

I would be grateful for some advice!

Moving on isn't such a bad thing you know. if it was meant to be it was meant to be...but you never know you might meet someone wonderful, and have a solid future. It's hard to think about letting go atm, but in time it won't be an issue as those feelings fade. We all can and do move on...it's not the end of the world.

Thank you smackie9 for your insight. I know, it's not my first break up, but it feels different from others before him. I even had a serious relationship where I lived together with that ex, but the moment we broke up I knew it was over and moved on fast.

This one kept saying on many instances that he sees a future with me even after the break up. And to be honest, I saw a future too. Not just wishful thinking, but a realisation that we really loved each other and saw each other as long-term partners.

It is difficult to let him go just like that... I mean I can't beg him. If he doesn't want it now, he doesn't and I respect it...

But the fear holds me back from enjoying my life atm and seeing past the pain :(

Just a quick note, I want to keep people on here informed about my case from now on. I see a lot of posts, where people just stopped writing, which I think is a pity. So, if someone is interested in knowing how it goes, keep having a look here :)

You are simply grieving the loss of a relationship. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship

Do you think not being in contact will make him lose his feelings? Has anyone experienced something similar and how did you manage?

I don't want to date around neither did i want it this whole period we were talking but broken up, just to be clear. We were very serious about our relationship and our families knew about us.

What is the best approach to this break up?

I would be grateful for some advice!

Possibly, yes.

But that's not even the biggest issue here. It's the distance, and the inability to stay connected as a couple. Visiting a couple times a year just isn't enough to sustain a relationship, for many people. That doesn't appear likely to change any time soon. What are the odds he will return to where you are and stay there? Or vice versa?

Yes, distance is the issue. That is why I broke up in the first place. But i feel guilty for not trying harder, since I was the only one who could visit him. I went on a trip with my friends instead during the end. He has an important exam in two months which will decide if he can come over. He has planed to apply again this winter.

Yes, distance is the issue. That is why I broke up in the first place. But i feel guilty for not trying harder, since I was the only one who could visit him. I went on a trip with my friends instead during the end. He has an important exam in two months which will decide if he can come over. He has planed to apply again this winter.

Come on a permanent basis, or?

Yes, he wants to live here permanently. Not just because of me. But I am scared he could change his mind and not come in the end. Since we are not in contact at the moment, I don't know what he is up to.

The best way to deal with this break up is acknowledge and cherish the past but respect each others' present lives. It's not your business anymore to keep in touch or worry if he finds anyone else. Be happy if he does and that is all. That is not your business so don't become confused that you have a say in it any longer. I think what's done is done. No amount of mourning or regret is going to change the circumstances.

I agree with the other members that you're grieving. Let yourself grieve the loss of that friend in your life. He cannot continue being your "best friend" as an ex. It's not fair to either of you and moving on in your lives. Engage with others in your life and meet new people for a breath of fresh air.

Don't stay stuck in this dark place or stuck in a neverending loop of despair (not growing out of it). Break ups are hard but they are not impossible. Keep the faith and get to know yourself a bit more.

I kind of think that if you really wanted to make it work you would have :(

About your dumper's regret - you should also take a long time to figure out if it's him you miss or if it's the relationship itself. Then, only then, will you know what to do.

I definitely miss HIM and of course the relationship that comes with him. I was thinking of talking to his best friend and asking if it makes sense to visit him.

Well if you miss HIM then what are you waiting for?

Just make sure you're careful. You hurt someone and you're going to have some 'proving' to do no matter what.

Don't do end runs around anyone or contact their people. Don't visit someone who has not personally invited you.

I was thinking of talking to his best friend and asking if it makes sense to visit him.

You have not been apart that long. And if he may move to where you are then there is of course a chance. After all, he said it himself that he would consider being back together only if you two live in the same country. I would let him know what you feel and want. Then it's up to him to figure out if that is also what he wants. When would he be moving, provided he passes his exam?

Luckily I didn't get in touch with anyone. I didn't want to get them involved, just to know if visiting would make a difference.

But you are right. He had said yes to a visit, when we talked 3 weeks ago, but things escalated shortly after and communication broke down. So I was left wondering, if he would still like it... but didn't want to ask directly, since I don't want to seem desperate.

You have not been apart that long. And if he may move to where you are then there is of course a chance. After all, he said it himself that he would consider being back together only if you two live in the same country. I would let him know what you feel and want. Then it's up to him to figure out if that is also what he wants. When would he be moving, provided he passes his exam?

I let him know that I still have feeling during our last conversation before the communication stopped. He said he is always happy to hear from me. But I will let him process his anger before contacting again. I might message him before his exam, to wish him luck. He would be moving here around February, hopefully.

Well if you miss HIM then what are you waiting for?

 

Just make sure you're careful. You hurt someone and you're going to have some 'proving' to do no matter what.

Yes, I need to be careful, that's why I don't want to be bothering him with my presence. I will let him cool off first and then maybe try a friendly, fun approach, maybe send him something before his exam to make him laugh or motivate him. If he reacts positively, there is a chance.