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Thread: What does he want from me?

  1. #11
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    Unstable people behave in unstable ways, OP. This man's hot-cold behaviour with you reflects his own emotional chaos. You won't be able to make sense of it, because you're not suffering from the same addictions and underlying issues. He might not be a bad person at his core, but he has serious problems you cannot solve - which will rear their ugly heads again. And again. He isn't going to offer you the sort of healthy and lasting relationship you seek.

    You are codependent and it's extremely unhealthy for you. I would end it for good and seek some counselling, so you can understand why you are attracted to someone who is so dysfunctional. You deserve a lot better than this. You need to figure out why you don't demand more for yourself.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Keep in mind this snapshot of bad times is the same as the snapshot of good times. It's just another aspect in an unstable life.
    Originally Posted by Hannahsmith
    Thank you for answering, I am grateful for all of the insights. I should add that at the moment he is clean of all drugs, has permanent, stable housing and I never provide him with money or alcohol. I could understand his willingness to keep in such close contact with me if that was the case, which is why I am finding the situation so confusing.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hannahsmith
    It is really hurting as it feels so good when he is loving but when he goes distant and cold I don't know what I have done? I mean why spend so much time with me if I mean nothing to him?

    I know I should ask him outright but he is very emotionally shut off and I would get nowhere.

    I am sorry for the long first post, there is alot more I could put in but have kept it as brief as I could. Thank you to anyone who may have some advice as to what I should do or what you think he may be feeling.
    From everything you've shared, why does he have any say in this at all? Are you capable of making decisions on your behalf? Does this relationship meet your needs and bring you happiness? If not, cut him loose.

    Instead you are giving all the control over to someone who either doesn't deserve it or takes advantage of it.

    Ask him right out what exactly? He is showing you everything you need to know.

    Decide for yourself how you deserve to be treated and tell this guy you deserve better.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Thank you for the time you took to answer. You are right, I did leave the door open and I always do! I think the reason I keep the door open is because I still remember the man I first met, before he fell so hard, he was kind, strong, independent and I think he still is somewhere.
    Aaaah the curse of dating someone that is "trying" to get their life together... and the lure of having a project for a boyfriend (or whatever he is) for sure somewhere deep down he is probably a good, kind and strong person... that person is still there somewhere, but the demon of addiction has him and until he decides for good to deal with that part of his life, he will continue to be this self-centered, flaky and irresponsible version of himself.

    This is really the epitome of a codependent relationship... where one person is totally f&%@ed up and the other keeps trying to save him/her until they hit bottom... either separately or together.

    Probably be a good idea for you to research codependency and look into getting some help with it... there are free CoDA meetings in every city where others in your situation have gone through the same thing.

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  6. 09-17-2019, 04:56 PM

  7. #15
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    He is NOT "clean of all drugs". Alcohol is a drug. You know it is.

    So no, he just switched or focused on one drug, alcohol.

    He is not the guy he was in the beginning. The guy he is now is the true "him".

  8. #16
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    You need to cut this guy loose. You can't save him and you shouldn't have too. You have tried to help him but it sounds like he needs to help himself first.

    I'd move on if I were you.

  9. #17
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    He sounds like a desdweight and a loser. He's using you and you're allowing yourself to be used.


    Why is this? Don't give me the whole 'you love him' bs lol you're not his social worker or his bank.


    Just stop it -_-.

  10. #18
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    He spent time with you cos you're an ATM and free accomodation and an ego boost. Duh.

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