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Undermining a good thing?


Sun Sprite

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Hi,

 

I'm new. I got divorced in November of 2019 after a 16 year relationship and moved cross country to live closer to my 20 something son. I can not afford a therapist. I was in therapy for ten years as an outlet to living with a man who had undiagnosed Asperger's. He was cold, brutally honest and overly financially responsible. Immediately upon moving, I found the love of my life. He's the gentlest, kindest, most reassuring man in the world. He says the sweetest things to me. After six months of dating, he welcomed me into his home to live with him and his children.

 

Here is the issue. When we met, he was dating a woman and didn't tell me. He has two shoplifting convictions, one of which happened while we were beginning to date and he didn't tell me. He did come clean about the woman and the shoplifting. I do not think he's be lying to me and I do think he's only been lying to me about those things.

 

I have given him the opportunity to let me know if he had more secrets. He says he has no more. I have told him that I will leave, no fighting, no discussion, if I find out anything else that he didn't tell me regarding infidelity or anything else big.

 

He has cleared out space for me in his busy, crowded home. He's helped me get my life straight (including cleaning out a composting toilet!). We are making plans for the future. I'm relatively involved in his children's lives - much more than their mother but definitely not to a motherly capacity.

 

Here is my question. How do I allow myself to trust that moving in with someone is the right choice? It's a done deal yet every time I come "home", I'm afraid he will ask me to leave or that the woman he was seeing will be there (he's cut off contact with her, her husband and children). This morning, I felt this way when i returned from work only to find a lovely note telling me he loves me. He says sweet things to me in his sleep.

 

What is wrong with me? Why do I have to undermine our relationship with doubts? How can I make the negative thinking cease?

 

Thank you in advance for your input.

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You need a lot of time Moving in with somebody you only knew for 6 months was rash. The bi-product of that is that now you are faced with unwanted surprises. If you had dated more conventionally you may have learned this stuff prior to cohabitating.

 

Do not get in any deeper. Take one day at a time. Ask questions. Really listen when he speaks & observe how he acts. Get to know the people closest to him.

 

It's not negative thinking. It's critical thinking. It's something you should have done before moving in. Just because he says sweet things to you does not make him a great catch.

 

If you can't afford a therapist, at least journal to keep a handle on your thoughts. Read self help books from the library.

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...Here is the issue. When we met, he was dating a woman and didn't tell me. He has two shoplifting convictions, one of which happened while we were beginning to date and he didn't tell me.

 

There is your answer. No undermining at all, just some BIG. RED. FLAGS.

 

Seriously, you feel the way you do because you KNOW deep down that this is NOT a healthy situation.

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Ok, you raise some valid concerns. The best thing you can do (besides move out) is to make sure at all times that you have excellent passwords on all your accounts and devices. Do Not Use His Wifi. Ever! Also get a PO box or have important mail forwarded to your son's address.

 

In the mean time check your credit and get one of those alert services offered by cards, banks, third parties etc to monitor for odd activity. Do not lend him money. Do not give him access to anything valuable or important.

 

He may have seemed like a safe haven after a divorce, move starting over, etc, however the accelerated move in is a huge red flag. Make sure you are not just a source of income and free housework, nanny services, etc. This is not a good situation for you.

 

Start taking stuff OUT of his house that is valuable and ask your son to hold onto it until you can find trustworthy people to live with. Put any valuables in a safe deposit box. No, normal people do not have multiple theft arrests. What you know is the tip of the iceberg. Does he use drugs?

 

You would like to think you found Mr. New and Wonderful and are perhaps in a bit of denial, but you know you need to keep an eye on things. You should worry about getting yourself out of this mess, not whether he'll ask you to leave.

 

Start doing some research on him. Court sites, addresses, even google. Cross reference with his age, workplace, addresses, etc.

When we met, he was dating a woman and didn't tell me. He has two shoplifting convictions, one of which happened while we were beginning to date and he didn't tell me.

 

I'm relatively involved in his children's lives. How do I allow myself to trust that moving in with someone is the right choice?

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There is your answer. No undermining at all, just some BIG. RED. FLAGS.

 

Seriously, you feel the way you do because you KNOW deep down that this is NOT a healthy situation.

 

This exactly. It's not trust you are speaking of... you are asking us how, or whether it's possible, to ignore those big red flags and act as though nothing happened.

 

People do it all the time and ignore their intuition, in my experience that behavior will take it's toll on you and on the relationship.

 

You are not "undermining a good thing" as your title says... you are being observant and aware that the person you are with is a liar, a cheater, and a criminal.

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I don't see anything like undermining happening here, at least as you've described it. I just see you being smart, while being frustrated with the signals your smart self is sending you. If any undermining is happening here, it's you undermining yourself.

 

Let's put this all in less poetic terms: You ended a marriage, moved across the country in a state of emotional mania, and got into a whirlwind romance with someone who turned out to be pretty shady. He was involved with a married woman while being involved with you. He was stealing things and getting arrested for it. He was a cheat and a criminal. If you knew all that during your first dates, would you have looked across the table and seen the love of your life? Because that's who you were looking at, without knowing it. Well, now you know.

 

He may be gentle, sweet, and kind, but he is also a very shady person, or at least a person you connected with during a very shady juncture in his life. So here you are, sharing a home with a shady guy, involved in the childcare of children with a shady father, talking to a shady guy about his shade and asking if he can turn it into sunshine. That is your reality, today. Tough position. But better to own it than to try to shade yourself from the shade by telling a rosier story. That story can only warm you for so long.

 

In owning it you can observe it, with clear eyes to compliment the open heart—and to protect that heart, as needed. What to observe? Two things: him and you. If you find that, in time, you're genuinely no longer edgy—great, it means you can exhale and continue going (a bit) deeper. If you find that, in time, your inner alarm bells are still going off and you're feeling more like a nervy, played version of yourself than your authentic self—great, it means you can exhale and pull out, seeking sun instead of shade.

 

That is what dating is, what dating should be at six months. So make it that, starting now.

 

My question is: Are you capable of doing the above? If your instinct, in reading what I just wrote, is to defend him, to tell me that what I'm describing is not shade but the human folly of the world's sweetest human—well, then I'll tell you I'm worried about you. Truth be told, I'm already worried. I think you really like one story so much—the story of moving cross country and finding The One—that you don't want accept that you maybe stumbled into something that doesn't serve you, or your life. I think that you are already undermining yourself, a bit, by even asking if you're undermining a "good thing" that evidence shows may be a very bad thing.

 

That's also dating, a thing that happens: a good thing turns out to be a bad thing, often right around 6 months. Sucks. Not a great story, no. But one we need to be able to accept on the path to exploring connections so that an open heart doesn't become a demolished heart.

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Do not get in any deeper. Take one day at a time. Ask questions. Really listen when he speaks & observe how he acts. Get to know the people closest to him.

 

It's not negative thinking. It's critical thinking.

 

If you can't afford a therapist, at least journal to keep a handle on your thoughts. Read self help books from the library.

 

Excellent advice. Thank you.

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It's not trust you are speaking of... you are asking us how, or whether it's possible, to ignore those big red flags and act as though nothing happened.

 

People do it all the time and ignore their intuition, in my experience that behavior will take it's toll on you and on the relationship.

 

Yes, you are right. I believe that this is where my unease comes in. I AM trying to ignore big, red flags and act as though nothing has happened. Thank you.

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I'm sorry you found all this out after the fact. He likely kept those things from you because he felt he would have been judged. It's an insecure way to deal with his mistakes and, yes, it was wrong to keep that information from you. I'd rethink the relationship. You both might have a better chance if you moved out and got back on your feet again. Perhaps date again a bit more in earnest this time and give yourselves time (both of you) to recover from those mistakes.

 

There's no rush to combine your lives. Don't do that or don't keep going down a path that makes you uneasy on terms that continue to make you uneasy.

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Let's put this all in less poetic terms: You ended a marriage, moved across the country in a state of emotional mania, and got into a whirlwind romance with someone who turned out to be pretty shady. He was involved with a married woman while being involved with you. He was stealing things and getting arrested for it. He was a cheat and a criminal. If you knew all that during your first dates, would you have looked across the table and seen the love of your life? Because that's who you were looking at, without knowing it. Well, now you know.

 

He may be gentle, sweet, and kind, but he is also a very shady person, or at least a person you connected with during a very shady juncture in his life. So here you are, sharing a home with a shady guy, involved in the childcare of children with a shady father, talking to a shady guy about his shade and asking if he can turn it into sunshine. That is your reality, today. Tough position. But better to own it than to try to shade yourself from the shade by telling a rosier story. That story can only warm you for so long.

 

In owning it you can observe it, with clear eyes to compliment the open heart—and to protect that heart, as needed. What to observe? Two things: him and you. If you find that, in time, you're genuinely no longer edgy—great, it means you can exhale and continue going (a bit) deeper. If you find that, in time, your inner alarm bells are still going off and you're feeling more like a nervy, played version of yourself than your authentic self—great, it means you can exhale and pull out, seeking sun instead of shade.

 

That is what dating is, what dating should be at six months. So make it that, starting now.

 

My question is: Are you capable of doing the above? If your instinct, in reading what I just wrote, is to defend him, to tell me that what I'm describing is not shade but the human folly of the world's sweetest human—well, then I'll tell you I'm worried about you. Truth be told, I'm already worried. I think you really like one story so much—the story of moving cross country and finding The One—that you don't want accept that you maybe stumbled into something that doesn't serve you, or your life. I think that you are already undermining yourself, a bit, by even asking if you're undermining a "good thing" that evidence shows may be a very bad thing.

 

That's also dating, a thing that happens: a good thing turns out to be a bad thing, often right around 6 months. Sucks. Not a great story, no. But one we need to be able to accept on the path to exploring connections so that an open heart doesn't become a demolished heart.

 

You are correct, I need to own the situation I've gotten myself into and observe. I do need to protect my heart, which I have not been doing. We've been together for a total of nine months and it's mostly been good and positive compared to living with "Spock" for 16 years. I've been able to discuss my emotions and be vulnerable as I've never been able to before. I think this has become too comfortable for me and you are entirely correct, I need to protect my open heart so it is not demolished.

 

I will take a little bit of a step back, journal, observe and own what I am doing. Thank you.

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Unfortunately, you sound like an easy target for a guy like this.

I got divorced in November of 2019 after a 16 year relationship and moved cross country

Immediately upon moving, I found the love of my life.

After six months of dating, he welcomed me into his home to live with him and his children.

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I'm sorry you found all this out after the fact. He likely kept those things from you because he felt he would have been judged.

 

There's no rush to combine your lives. .

 

"no rush to combine your lives" is excellent advice and on the nose. Thank you.

 

I appreciate the perspective of looking back at our first date and trying to see it with him telling me everything right from the start. He did say his life was "complicated" but didn't go into many of the important details. I will think on this. It really resonates with me.

 

Thank you and thanks for the empathy.

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In addition to informing your son and bringing important/valuable things there, make sure you are active outside of this situation. For example do you work? Your post sounded almost grateful that someone took you in.

 

Make sure you are working and pay more attention to your local environment and your own survival. Your car, your insurance, your local licence etc. Get involved in local clubs, groups, organizations etc. Start making friends and start to detach from this guy.

 

The fresh-start thing is very understandable, but you need to make your own life for yourself. It's also understandable that after depending on your husband this long, running to your son seemed like a logical choice. However this guy is basically a stranger and what you have found out is not good.

 

After a divorce it may seem like a dream come true to immediately find this kind of superficial charmer, but you now know that he hides some dark things. He only told you because his name will flash up in searches. Ask your son to look him up.

You are right. I definitely am an easy target. Ugh. Thank you for pointing this out.
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In addition to informing your son and bringing important/valuable things there, make sure you are active outside of this situation. For example do you work? Your post sounded almost grateful that someone took you in.

 

Do not burden your son with that. Get a safe deposit box and a storage unit and find yourself somewhere to live. Do not flip the roles of parent and child.

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