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Thread: Undermining a good thing?

  1. #1

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    Undermining a good thing?

    Hi,

    I'm new. I got divorced in November of 2019 after a 16 year relationship and moved cross country to live closer to my 20 something son. I can not afford a therapist. I was in therapy for ten years as an outlet to living with a man who had undiagnosed Asperger's. He was cold, brutally honest and overly financially responsible. Immediately upon moving, I found the love of my life. He's the gentlest, kindest, most reassuring man in the world. He says the sweetest things to me. After six months of dating, he welcomed me into his home to live with him and his children.

    Here is the issue. When we met, he was dating a woman and didn't tell me. He has two shoplifting convictions, one of which happened while we were beginning to date and he didn't tell me. He did come clean about the woman and the shoplifting. I do not think he's be lying to me and I do think he's only been lying to me about those things.

    I have given him the opportunity to let me know if he had more secrets. He says he has no more. I have told him that I will leave, no fighting, no discussion, if I find out anything else that he didn't tell me regarding infidelity or anything else big.

    He has cleared out space for me in his busy, crowded home. He's helped me get my life straight (including cleaning out a composting toilet!). We are making plans for the future. I'm relatively involved in his children's lives - much more than their mother but definitely not to a motherly capacity.

    Here is my question. How do I allow myself to trust that moving in with someone is the right choice? It's a done deal yet every time I come "home", I'm afraid he will ask me to leave or that the woman he was seeing will be there (he's cut off contact with her, her husband and children). This morning, I felt this way when i returned from work only to find a lovely note telling me he loves me. He says sweet things to me in his sleep.

    What is wrong with me? Why do I have to undermine our relationship with doubts? How can I make the negative thinking cease?

    Thank you in advance for your input.

  2. #2
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    You need a lot of time Moving in with somebody you only knew for 6 months was rash. The bi-product of that is that now you are faced with unwanted surprises. If you had dated more conventionally you may have learned this stuff prior to cohabitating.

    Do not get in any deeper. Take one day at a time. Ask questions. Really listen when he speaks & observe how he acts. Get to know the people closest to him.

    It's not negative thinking. It's critical thinking. It's something you should have done before moving in. Just because he says sweet things to you does not make him a great catch.

    If you can't afford a therapist, at least journal to keep a handle on your thoughts. Read self help books from the library.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sun Sprite
    ...Here is the issue. When we met, he was dating a woman and didn't tell me. He has two shoplifting convictions, one of which happened while we were beginning to date and he didn't tell me.
    There is your answer. No undermining at all, just some BIG. RED. FLAGS.

    Seriously, you feel the way you do because you KNOW deep down that this is NOT a healthy situation.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, you raise some valid concerns. The best thing you can do (besides move out) is to make sure at all times that you have excellent passwords on all your accounts and devices. Do Not Use His Wifi. Ever! Also get a PO box or have important mail forwarded to your son's address.

    In the mean time check your credit and get one of those alert services offered by cards, banks, third parties etc to monitor for odd activity. Do not lend him money. Do not give him access to anything valuable or important.

    He may have seemed like a safe haven after a divorce, move starting over, etc, however the accelerated move in is a huge red flag. Make sure you are not just a source of income and free housework, nanny services, etc. This is not a good situation for you.

    Start taking stuff OUT of his house that is valuable and ask your son to hold onto it until you can find trustworthy people to live with. Put any valuables in a safe deposit box. No, normal people do not have multiple theft arrests. What you know is the tip of the iceberg. Does he use drugs?

    You would like to think you found Mr. New and Wonderful and are perhaps in a bit of denial, but you know you need to keep an eye on things. You should worry about getting yourself out of this mess, not whether he'll ask you to leave.

    Start doing some research on him. Court sites, addresses, even google. Cross reference with his age, workplace, addresses, etc.
    Originally Posted by Sun Sprite
    When we met, he was dating a woman and didn't tell me. He has two shoplifting convictions, one of which happened while we were beginning to date and he didn't tell me.

    I'm relatively involved in his children's lives. How do I allow myself to trust that moving in with someone is the right choice?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    There is your answer. No undermining at all, just some BIG. RED. FLAGS.

    Seriously, you feel the way you do because you KNOW deep down that this is NOT a healthy situation.
    This exactly. It's not trust you are speaking of... you are asking us how, or whether it's possible, to ignore those big red flags and act as though nothing happened.

    People do it all the time and ignore their intuition, in my experience that behavior will take it's toll on you and on the relationship.

    You are not "undermining a good thing" as your title says... you are being observant and aware that the person you are with is a liar, a cheater, and a criminal.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I don't see anything like undermining happening here, at least as you've described it. I just see you being smart, while being frustrated with the signals your smart self is sending you. If any undermining is happening here, it's you undermining yourself.

    Let's put this all in less poetic terms: You ended a marriage, moved across the country in a state of emotional mania, and got into a whirlwind romance with someone who turned out to be pretty shady. He was involved with a married woman while being involved with you. He was stealing things and getting arrested for it. He was a cheat and a criminal. If you knew all that during your first dates, would you have looked across the table and seen the love of your life? Because that's who you were looking at, without knowing it. Well, now you know.

    He may be gentle, sweet, and kind, but he is also a very shady person, or at least a person you connected with during a very shady juncture in his life. So here you are, sharing a home with a shady guy, involved in the childcare of children with a shady father, talking to a shady guy about his shade and asking if he can turn it into sunshine. That is your reality, today. Tough position. But better to own it than to try to shade yourself from the shade by telling a rosier story. That story can only warm you for so long.

    In owning it you can observe it, with clear eyes to compliment the open heart—and to protect that heart, as needed. What to observe? Two things: him and you. If you find that, in time, you're genuinely no longer edgy—great, it means you can exhale and continue going (a bit) deeper. If you find that, in time, your inner alarm bells are still going off and you're feeling more like a nervy, played version of yourself than your authentic self—great, it means you can exhale and pull out, seeking sun instead of shade.

    That is what dating is, what dating should be at six months. So make it that, starting now.

    My question is: Are you capable of doing the above? If your instinct, in reading what I just wrote, is to defend him, to tell me that what I'm describing is not shade but the human folly of the world's sweetest human—well, then I'll tell you I'm worried about you. Truth be told, I'm already worried. I think you really like one story so much—the story of moving cross country and finding The One—that you don't want accept that you maybe stumbled into something that doesn't serve you, or your life. I think that you are already undermining yourself, a bit, by even asking if you're undermining a "good thing" that evidence shows may be a very bad thing.

    That's also dating, a thing that happens: a good thing turns out to be a bad thing, often right around 6 months. Sucks. Not a great story, no. But one we need to be able to accept on the path to exploring connections so that an open heart doesn't become a demolished heart.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by TeeDee

    Do not get in any deeper. Take one day at a time. Ask questions. Really listen when he speaks & observe how he acts. Get to know the people closest to him.

    It's not negative thinking. It's critical thinking.

    If you can't afford a therapist, at least journal to keep a handle on your thoughts. Read self help books from the library.
    Excellent advice. Thank you.

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    You are correct. I appreciate you helping me name my issues and uncertainty.

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    All excellent advice. Thank you.

  11. #10

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    Originally Posted by maew
    It's not trust you are speaking of... you are asking us how, or whether it's possible, to ignore those big red flags and act as though nothing happened.

    People do it all the time and ignore their intuition, in my experience that behavior will take it's toll on you and on the relationship.
    Yes, you are right. I believe that this is where my unease comes in. I AM trying to ignore big, red flags and act as though nothing has happened. Thank you.

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