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Thread: Undermining a good thing?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you found all this out after the fact. He likely kept those things from you because he felt he would have been judged. It's an insecure way to deal with his mistakes and, yes, it was wrong to keep that information from you. I'd rethink the relationship. You both might have a better chance if you moved out and got back on your feet again. Perhaps date again a bit more in earnest this time and give yourselves time (both of you) to recover from those mistakes.

    There's no rush to combine your lives. Don't do that or don't keep going down a path that makes you uneasy on terms that continue to make you uneasy.

  2. #12

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    Let's put this all in less poetic terms: You ended a marriage, moved across the country in a state of emotional mania, and got into a whirlwind romance with someone who turned out to be pretty shady. He was involved with a married woman while being involved with you. He was stealing things and getting arrested for it. He was a cheat and a criminal. If you knew all that during your first dates, would you have looked across the table and seen the love of your life? Because that's who you were looking at, without knowing it. Well, now you know.

    He may be gentle, sweet, and kind, but he is also a very shady person, or at least a person you connected with during a very shady juncture in his life. So here you are, sharing a home with a shady guy, involved in the childcare of children with a shady father, talking to a shady guy about his shade and asking if he can turn it into sunshine. That is your reality, today. Tough position. But better to own it than to try to shade yourself from the shade by telling a rosier story. That story can only warm you for so long.

    In owning it you can observe it, with clear eyes to compliment the open heart—and to protect that heart, as needed. What to observe? Two things: him and you. If you find that, in time, you're genuinely no longer edgy—great, it means you can exhale and continue going (a bit) deeper. If you find that, in time, your inner alarm bells are still going off and you're feeling more like a nervy, played version of yourself than your authentic self—great, it means you can exhale and pull out, seeking sun instead of shade.

    That is what dating is, what dating should be at six months. So make it that, starting now.

    My question is: Are you capable of doing the above? If your instinct, in reading what I just wrote, is to defend him, to tell me that what I'm describing is not shade but the human folly of the world's sweetest human—well, then I'll tell you I'm worried about you. Truth be told, I'm already worried. I think you really like one story so much—the story of moving cross country and finding The One—that you don't want accept that you maybe stumbled into something that doesn't serve you, or your life. I think that you are already undermining yourself, a bit, by even asking if you're undermining a "good thing" that evidence shows may be a very bad thing.

    That's also dating, a thing that happens: a good thing turns out to be a bad thing, often right around 6 months. Sucks. Not a great story, no. But one we need to be able to accept on the path to exploring connections so that an open heart doesn't become a demolished heart.
    You are correct, I need to own the situation I've gotten myself into and observe. I do need to protect my heart, which I have not been doing. We've been together for a total of nine months and it's mostly been good and positive compared to living with "Spock" for 16 years. I've been able to discuss my emotions and be vulnerable as I've never been able to before. I think this has become too comfortable for me and you are entirely correct, I need to protect my open heart so it is not demolished.

    I will take a little bit of a step back, journal, observe and own what I am doing. Thank you.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, you sound like an easy target for a guy like this.
    Originally Posted by Sun Sprite
    I got divorced in November of 2019 after a 16 year relationship and moved cross country
    Immediately upon moving, I found the love of my life.
    After six months of dating, he welcomed me into his home to live with him and his children.

  4. #14

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    You are right. I definitely am an easy target. Ugh. Thank you for pointing this out.

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  6. #15

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm sorry you found all this out after the fact. He likely kept those things from you because he felt he would have been judged.

    There's no rush to combine your lives. .
    "no rush to combine your lives" is excellent advice and on the nose. Thank you.

    I appreciate the perspective of looking back at our first date and trying to see it with him telling me everything right from the start. He did say his life was "complicated" but didn't go into many of the important details. I will think on this. It really resonates with me.

    Thank you and thanks for the empathy.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    In addition to informing your son and bringing important/valuable things there, make sure you are active outside of this situation. For example do you work? Your post sounded almost grateful that someone took you in.

    Make sure you are working and pay more attention to your local environment and your own survival. Your car, your insurance, your local licence etc. Get involved in local clubs, groups, organizations etc. Start making friends and start to detach from this guy.

    The fresh-start thing is very understandable, but you need to make your own life for yourself. It's also understandable that after depending on your husband this long, running to your son seemed like a logical choice. However this guy is basically a stranger and what you have found out is not good.

    After a divorce it may seem like a dream come true to immediately find this kind of superficial charmer, but you now know that he hides some dark things. He only told you because his name will flash up in searches. Ask your son to look him up.
    Originally Posted by Sun Sprite
    You are right. I definitely am an easy target. Ugh. Thank you for pointing this out.

  8. #17
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    He is completely untrustworthy and even has convictions to prove it. I'd remove myself from the situation.

  9. #18
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    In addition to informing your son and bringing important/valuable things there, make sure you are active outside of this situation. For example do you work? Your post sounded almost grateful that someone took you in.

    Do not burden your son with that. Get a safe deposit box and a storage unit and find yourself somewhere to live. Do not flip the roles of parent and child.

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