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Thread: Do you often Day Dream About What Once Was ?? Life, Relationships, Etc.

  1. #1
    Member MrAdversity's Avatar
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    Do you often Day Dream About What Once Was ?? Life, Relationships, Etc.

    I've had a lot of things go down the last 6 or so yrs (Moved homes 2x, delt with cancer and family w/cancern, had a baby, delt with step kids (one of which has a lot of issues) moved to another state, work work and more work , and always seem to come back to a day dream or quiet moment thinking about the good years as I call them .

    The years in which my wife and I had ear to ear smiling/laughing and adventurous fun (we dated when we were 16 and came back to eachother 16 yrs later ) to present time

    The years in which I had a ton of friends and just doing nothing but hanging out was fun

    The years in which screaming kids were us kids playing in the courtyard waiting for the ice cream man after hours and not having responsibility

    The years in which my own looks and self - esteem were so high I imagined there wasn't a woman out there not attracted to me (yes I was somewhat cocky) but humble at the same time!

    The years in which energy, moral, motivation and drive were very high, exciting and limitless

    The years in which I could have hours of alone time, or friend time or GF time etc and not be bothered

    The years in which people actually had respect for one another, didn't say ultra mean things when mad, or threw people under the bus because they are unhappy with themselves and passed blame,

    Now all this sounds and points to depression I am aware, im not depressed just exhausted mentally, and living a life where I should be somewhat happy, but I find myself dreading the daily routine, coming home to the drama, and even find myself falling asleep very early watching a show because well I just cant keep my eyes open

    im not sure where this is all going but I just miss the days when things were easier and more fun (and I know how that sounds) but we all deserve fun in our lives -

    Brings me to my other points
    1. - getting older I don't understand (living in the actual point im making) why people want so many children! Maybe ive had some bad experiences with step kids but it really does effect your relationship and your mental well being and I have met more people in my new state that are wiped out and constantly complain about how kids just suck the life out of you and these are young professionals

    2. Why do woman have such a huge sex drive unmarried, than get married and everything goes down hill , again speaking to many... its insane - yes I know the mental part and having to have a clear head , another thing that I will never understand and yes I have met woman in that spiel ...

    3. Is it normal to be feeling bored in life going into your 40s?

    4. One for the woman who are divorced, does it really mess you up, esp if you have children, and why don't you help yourselves instead of carrying your anger and past baggage to your new relationships? You may not realize it but you do, most of you anyway and that's very hard to deal with esp if you play the indep woman card and I don't need you stuff

    5. For the single people who have a kid or two how is that life? Do you enjoy your freedom or do you feel lonely

    6. For everyone what do you need to enjoy yourself I mean deep seated enjoyment ?

    I apologize im all over the place but I think about all this stuff and more daily, when a older song comes on the radio I reminisce about the good old days, and smile, remember where I was and what I was doing . things really do change as your get older, and as my grandmother always stated time goes by twice as fast getting older -

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I barely remember the days before I had my son because it was over 2 decades ago. Do I wish I never had him? No. I wish I had had at least one more but it was not physically possible for me.

    Not divorced.

    I had two step dads both really good experiences for me.

  3. #3
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    I do miss certain things about the past - I love remembering how as a teenager/early 20s I went to so many awesome clubs and went out dancing (never tried drugs, never got drunk -just loved the dancing in the 80s/early 90s!!), I also love how my husband and I used to go out late at night on dates before we were married parents and sleep till 11 routinely and had more spontaneity in our sex life . Our cousins sent us a photo from 1997 when we were dating way back when (we also broke up and got back together) and wow we looked sooooo young!! And I missed the outfit I was wearing in the photo -I wore that mini dress/shorts get up till it was in shreds I bet.

    But I get a lot of enjoyment out of my much different life now -in the last 10 years I got married, became a full time mom for 7 years, relocated for the first time in 43 years and lost my father and my inlaws and my favorite talk radio psychologist in the last 6 years. It's different but I embrace the differences. What I enjoy -the comforts of home, daily cardio exercise -so good for me physically and mentally! - being a more patient person as I age, being more type B as I age (husband is type B I am solidly type A - he's actually become a little more structured/scheduled in our personal life -he always was professionally - but I think I should change more to type B than the other way around), and I feel like I won the lottery getting to get married and become a mom at 42. I never ever thought I would achieve those decades long dreams and I double down on appreciating those things when I'm feeling cranky.

    Example - yesterday I was looking forward to getting back into loungey clothes -ok like pajamas- after the whole 5:55am wake up, rush to get ready for 7:15am school bus - and my husband asked me to take care of something with our building management as he had to get to work on time. Nothing to do with me. I put on a game face, said sure no prob and felt inside grumpy about it having to get dressed again to go downstairs, etc. And it was something resulting from his carelessness. Anyway I'd recently read something about how even though those times are annoying they are happening because I have a man who wants to be married to me, who loves me, who wants our family with all his heart. So I'm getting dressed again because he needs me. And life would not be the same if he didn't.

    Edited to add - a few days ago my ex boyfriend (dated from late 80s to early 90s) posted a photo of himself from a few months before we met. I mean he was a total hottie. And a great dancer. And gay but he did not know it or accept it then. Sure it brought back memories. No I don't wish I'd stayed with him (even if he had been straight -he came out as gay a year or so after we broke up, told me 10 years later over coffee) - I really do not - but sure seeing that photo brought back great memories and I accept that it's going to be a long time before we can or want to dance the night away at a club again (meaning my husband and me not the ex-hottie).

    Attitude is gratitude -I recommend that.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I don't day dream about once was... mainly because every year, no matter what happens, brings me more self-awareness, insight, wisdom, and gratitude... and connection with others... growing up I was a very lonely kid and then a messed up teen/young adult so those years weren't happy ones for me.

    That said... after I got my life sorted I had many good years being a single mom, it was really hard but I also really loved those times... when it was just me and my kiddo against the world... I miss those days a lot... she is 27 and moved out when she was 18... she is super independent and while I know she loves me, she is also wants to be her own person and just touch base here and there, knowing I am there if she needs me but exploring life on her own.

    Mostly I dream of the future, and what I want to accomplish, aka my "bucket list"... generally find it more gratifying and fulfilling to focus on the future and be doing things to move towards those dreams and goals.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Nostalgia is normal and common otherwise there would be no word specifically for it.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    In my own experience, in my first marriage which was really difficult and ended, I did find that I often thought of the past on many levels, yearning for those times, and replaying moments too often in my mind.

    I came to realize that I did this because I wasn't happy in the present, and didn't envision being happy in the future, therefore my past was the only happy place I could immerse myself in, if only in my reminiscing.

    Now that I'm in a second marriage that is far better, I find myself thinking less of the past, since I'm happy in my present, and looking forward to the future.

    I'd suggest listing small and large goals, short term and long term, that will hep you achieve some satisfaction in your life. And then start making changes in your life. If you don't have a hobby, think about something that you can try that will transport you out of your boredom. Maybe there's also an activity/hobby you could share with your wife. When my kids were young, I'd either trade babysitting hours with another couple, or pay a sitter.

    Depending on finances, you could plan a mini-getaway or a big trip, and have fun planning for that. I used to live in Miami, and I know that in Key Largo, there is an underwater hotel that you have to scuba dive to get into, called Jules Undersea Lodge. I stayed there one night. I hear it's far more satisfying to spend extra money on experiences versus possessions, and my night there was certainly memorable.

    If your relationship with your wife needs work, write out goals that will lead to the improvement of that union.

    There are things I've done in my life that have become the highlights of my existence, enriching it. I volunteered as a docent at a zoo. I helped to rehabilitate a manatee. I was the assistant coach for my daughter's soccer team. I took dance lessons in tango, swing, salsa.

    If you're bored, you're boring. Start researching activities in your area. You might be surprised at what opportunities exist that you'd never known about.

  8. #7
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    I could have wrote this; even with the reuniting with your partner part with the big gap right down to having a kid with a few issues. And I'm also in my 40's.

    I find what helps is realizing you have a mini me who needs you, and one day they won't so much. It's a wash, rinse, repeat time period in your life. And do one big thing each year like a trip, or learn something new. Or make a new friend. Or something. It will help with the overwhelming feeling when you have something to look forward to.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Your header: no, perhaps unfortunately, I do not... The earlier part of my life was a lot more difficult and I wouldn't trade places or go back. It took a lot to get to where I am now. Where there may have been simplicity back then it was a confused and unsure type of simplicity full of major and minor mistakes. I've always striven for simplicity now too and I'd take today's simplicity over how I ever was or how things used to be. Morale, motivation and drive are also far higher now than it was before. I had nothing to lose back then. How could I ever have appreciated what morale means in a family or what motivation means in my career?

    Keep on going and keep pushing yourself. We all fall into a slump and sometimes a few times over before we learn to coast.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I went in the opposite direction from the general population. For example, when I attended my HS reunion, broken families and divorce were rampant, so many people didn't amount to much financially, were left struggling with economic and / or health hardships, had messed up relationships, became directionless, aimless, waffled and many of them were a miserable lot. Funny thing is, I envied them when I was a child and teenager because they came from idyllic backgrounds and mom 'n pop 'n apple pie neighborhoods.

    I came from a home where my violent father left my mother in dire straits. He never paid a penny towards child support, my single mother raised 3 children all by herself working 3 jobs 7 days a week while my negligent grandmother either slept all day, abandoned my baby brother in his crib or left the house and didn't come home until 9PM! She locked me out. After school, I had nowhere to go so I sat on my front porch without dinner while I waited her to come home from the park! My mother shopped at the Goodwill and Salvation Army so I always wore raggedy, worn out clothes and shoes while other kids wore new coats every winter. I always felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I went to school disheveled even on picture day. I was always a hot mess.

    Often times, I escaped to my LDS neighbor's house where there were loving parents who raised their 5 children properly, happily and normally. I so wanted that. I wanted normalcy, peace and stability. I never had it. I always lived a hand-to-mouth existence. I frequented my other friends in the neighborhood as well. I knew back then in my child mind that I wanted a better life for myself one day.

    During my teen and young adulthood, I worked 40 hours night shift full time while enrolled in college by day. I had no friends. I had no time. I was too busy helping my financially strapped widowed mother. It was pure gut survival. I worked with godawful co-workers at the time. What a living nightmare that was. At the time, I didn't think I'd live to tell about it.

    Fast forward to today. I married a great man and we have two amazing sons. I feel incredibly blessed. My husband hails from a very normal, nurturing, loving family so naturally this is all he has ever known. He's a great father to our sons. I think I did a pretty good job as a mother and my husband and I created lockstep teamwork. We are financially settled and very comfortable. I'm quite content with my peaceful, tranquil life in the suburbs. I enjoy being very feminine, well groomed just like other pretty mothers whom I admired when I was a child and my guilty pleasure are designer handbags! This is the best time of my life.

    It's a good feeling to be able to waltz into my HS reunion feeling like Cinderella. I've FINALLY arrived whereas most of my classmates hadn't fared well. I feel grateful. If I had my druthers, I prefer to say I had humble, miserable beginnings and a happily ever after as opposed to saying I hailed from an idyllic upbringing and now I have an awful adulthood. I'm grateful to be able to say I have the former instead of the latter.

    Nostalgia is way overrated. I prefer to live the good life now instead of living in the past.

    In life, I was a late bloomer but better late than never. Life was hellacious when I was a child, teenager and until age 21. I'm glad those chapters in my life are behind me. I've paid my dues. Nowadays I'm pushing through an open door.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    P.S. You might also try spending individual/special time with each child, including your step kids. You might find wonderful results from doing this, and have fewer days of drama returning home. The child will appreciate the attention, and their difficult issues might lessen when you see them as someone whose company you can enjoy, versus being a problem. And there is nothing more endearing to a mother when her husband spends time with her children, whether they are yours biologically or not.

    When I ask for time with my grandkids, I rarely ask for both at the same time, because it's far better that way, since they just end up aggravating each other. I teach my grandson how to bake, and we enjoy eating the muffins, etc., together. My granddaughter likes to role play with stuffed animals or dolls so we have fun making up stories for them to act out.

    If the kids are older, you can take one on a bike ride through a park. You can eat at a mall food court, and if it's close to their b-day, let them pick out their own present at the mall. Most kids just want their parent or guardian to be present for them--in the moment, taking in interest in what they have to say. I bet you'll see a change in attitude toward you for the better.

    Take care and let us know how it's going.

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