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Communication, Quality or Quantity


FirstDates

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I have a question about determining a guy’s interest.

 

We’ve been on two dates, he’s out of town this week but we’re getting together again once he’s back.

 

My one concern is that he takes awhile to return texts. (He’s not married— I can imagine someone jumping to that conclusion).

 

There’s no pattern to it, sometimes it’s a few hours after I’ve texted, other times 12 hours.

 

In person he seems to really like me, in engaged in conversation and asks good questions.

 

In terms of texting, when he does respond they are usually really interesting and I can tell he put thought into them.

 

A lot of what I’ve come to expect in our modern cellphone culture is swift return of messages, especially from someone interested in you.

 

Do you think that fewer messages of high quality makes up for the slow speed?

 

Thanks!

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It sounds like he's interested because you have a date lined up. You don't know him well enough to discern any sort of "pattern". People who get hung up on how many texts, how often, how long to respond, etc are usually single for a long long time. Texting is not dating.

 

He's away. It's 2 dates . He has a life and other people in it. Relax and consider in person efforts and interactions are the real barometer of interest. Many intelligent people dislike mindless texting/chitchat.

 

Never pull the reins in like this with text times. People take showers, eat, sleep,work, live life, etc.

We’ve been on two dates, he’s out of town this week but we’re getting together again once he’s back.

 

My one concern is that he takes awhile to return texts.!

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I think what you learn about someone from the way they text is...the way they text. Trying to read into it as anything more than that is a blackhole. Of course, as with anything, if you don't like the way they text (or chew, or dance, or kiss, or...) it might mean they're not the person for you. But in terms of interest? I'd say someone you've gone on two dates with, with plans for a third, is interested in seeing you again. Great. What more can you ask from someone who is basically a stranger?

 

For what it's worth, I'm all over the map with how I text. Sometimes I'm responsive, other times less so. Sometimes I'm all business ("Still good for 6pm?") and sometimes I'll drift into existential poetics. That's the case with friends, girlfriends, someone I'm flirting with dating, someone I'm flirting with. That's "how I text," in other words, not "how I show interest" (or not) via text message. Some women have found that frustrating; my girlfriend does not.

 

So, just observe him, in 3D, to see how you feel about him, rather than analyzing his 2D self to see if he's interested in you.

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I was always like that too; it’s because I don’t want to build a relationship over text. Even now, my BF and I generally only communicate once a day over text... a quick check in to let the other know we are thinking of them... and then we FaceTime at the end of our day if we aren’t together.

 

Focus on your life and getting to know each other in person vs online communication.

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You said this in your thread abou a different guy you were dating in Juky:

"Good points,

I’m going to take it easy like you suggested and just relax and see what he does with it :)"

 

Remember that?

 

You seem to have a tendency to stress over how much a man texts. How about forget about words typed onto a tiny screen and go by his in person interaction with you?

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Different people have different habits when it comes to texting. Don't read too much into it.

 

I sometimes mute phone notifications if I want to focus on something. Sometimes I will reply to very simple messages instantly, but leave those that require a little thinking until I got time to deal with it properly. For example if you message me about weekend date plans in the morning, I might leave it until the evening before I get back to you, because I don't want to think about planning and details until I am out of the hectic environment of the office.

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Some people are simply not into texting and if they text, they aren't the ones who send nor expect instantaneous, relentless back 'n forth texting. It's simply not part of their DNA.

 

Back off texting. If your house isn't on fire, don't text him! He prefers to chat with you in person or ask to schedule a phone chat with him when he's not busy such as at the end of the day. Don't make excessive contact.

 

Possess an aura of mystery and independence because you'll be more alluring this way.

 

Have a life of your own and make sure the guy doesn't become your whole life. Never obsess over anyone otherwise you're perceived as desperate and insecure.

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Personally, I hate texting, messaging whatsapping or whatever. I see people on the train holding multiple different conversations and then when no-one has responded fast enough the search for someone else to message. It's like people are addicted to attention and must hben having as many conversations, group chats or whatever going at once to feel like they are important to someone.

 

I don't want to be spending all day chit chatting back and forth about nothing, but then I'm a Ambivert - and extroverted introvert. I think deep and am happy to express it, but get bored with the drivel of constant texting and people's need for that constant attention.

 

If you are judging him because he doesn't live up to your expectations, then the problem is you. Perhaps learn to put your phone down more and find something else to do outside of the constant need for communication.

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He's very clearly demonstrating that he isn't a texter. Chances are he could reply sooner if he wanted to. He doesn't, and that's fair enough. He's offering no allusion that he's gonna be the guy who's quick with his thumbs. If you need someone who texts frequently, then here's your sign. Otherwise, enjoy what he's doing to much more tangibly get the ball rolling between the two of you.

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I have a question about determining a guy’s interest.

 

We’ve been on two dates, he’s out of town this week but we’re getting together again once he’s back.

 

My one concern is that he takes awhile to return texts. (He’s not married— I can imagine someone jumping to that conclusion).

 

There’s no pattern to it, sometimes it’s a few hours after I’ve texted, other times 12 hours.

 

In person he seems to really like me, in engaged in conversation and asks good questions.

 

In terms of texting, when he does respond they are usually really interesting and I can tell he put thought into them.

 

A lot of what I’ve come to expect in our modern cellphone culture is swift return of messages, especially from someone interested in you.

 

Do you think that fewer messages of high quality makes up for the slow speed?

 

Thanks!

 

Do you have a time and place plan yet for the next date or at least a specific day? That will affect some of my comments.

 

In general here is how I evaluate interest in dating -a person is interested in dating another person if he /she asks the other person out on a date preferably in advance, time and place and shows up for the date. Other forms of interest in early dating might be there and are a waste of time/counterproductive to evaluate because you don't know the person and it's so subjective. Texting a lot can mean interest in building up an attachment to make it seem like it's been "longer" and therefore sex/sexual intimacy can happen faster, it can be an indication of boredom -the other person has lots of free time - it can be an indication of wanting to marry the person next month. Who knows. Not texting between planned dates -same hodgepodge of infinity of reasons. But asking out on dates shows interest in dating - no brainer.

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I like what people have said.

 

His in-person behavior has given me no reason to doubt if he likes me.

 

I’ll try to keep with the “just relax” mindset. I get anxious when I’m uncertain, his texting delays reminds me of other people who weren’t that interested. Beyond that I’m not big on texting myself.

 

I’ll try not to read into it, every person is different

 

For Batya, it will be this weekend, I hadn’t know which day I had a shift for sure as someone had mentioned trading, so I told him I’d confirm which day was best once I knew. Just got that finalized this morning. I’ll confirm that tonight. Who knows maybe he’s uncertain about what I’m thinking...

 

Thanks, sorry to be so neurotic!

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I like what people have said.

 

His in-person behavior has given me no reason to doubt if he likes me.

 

I’ll try to keep with the “just relax” mindset. I get anxious when I’m uncertain, his texting delays reminds me of other people who weren’t that interested. Beyond that I’m not big on texting myself.

 

I’ll try not to read into it, every person is different

 

For Batya, it will be this weekend, I hadn’t know which day I had a shift for sure as someone had mentioned trading, so I told him I’d confirm which day was best once I knew. Just got that finalized this morning. I’ll confirm that tonight. Who knows maybe he’s uncertain about what I’m thinking...

 

Thanks, sorry to be so neurotic!

 

No worries- if he makes a time place plan for a date/confirms then you will know he is interested in another date with you. Until a next date is planned assume there is no date -that's just a realistic attitude not negative. Trying to decipher if someone who you know less than one of your pairs of socks is just tea leave stuff and will make you crazy. All you can know is whether he is interested in dating you and it's safe to assume that a person who makes plans for a date with you and shows up is interested in taking you on a date on that day. I'm being ridiculously specific because trying to analyze any further will end up sabotaging things because it will make you too intense/focused and that will start to show in how you interact with him.

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The speed at which someone returns a text is a measure of nothing. Stop trying to imbue it with meaning.

 

Quality communication is sooooo much better then quantity. A series of daily good morning & good night texts hardly qualifies as the foundation for a meaningful relationship

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Agree. It may however measure that this person has no life, is chronically bored and is addicted to phone pings.

 

To play the devil’s advocate, how would you guys make sense of the modern terms that have become so common they might be meme phrases: words like “Slow Fade” and “Ghosting”, how do these fit with the premise texting means nothing? Just curious ;)

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Trendy terms for behaviors that have always existed. Ghosting is not an electronic maneuver, it's not seeing/dating you again. Same with slow fade. Busy busy busy. It's been around forever. If there were no wifi would you still have a relationship? That is what you should be asking yourself.

meme phrases: words like “Slow Fade” and “Ghosting”, how do these fit with the premise texting means nothing?
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To play the devil’s advocate, how would you guys make sense of the modern terms that have become so common they might be meme phrases: words like “Slow Fade” and “Ghosting”, how do these fit with the premise texting means nothing? Just curious ;)

 

Texting means nothing about interest in dating unless the text is to make/plan/confirm a date. It can mean something of course about other aspects of getting to know someone. Last night what it meant to me was ill-advised texting instead of talking which I justified because I simply didn't want to wait the few hours before we could talk - ill-advised because I'd misunderstood what my husband meant by something he'd said to me in person so most of the text was irrelevant and rambling.

Please don't focus on Memes -the "slow fade" was around in the 1980s too when I started dating we just might have called it something else. Ghosting to me is when someone you are involved with for months cuts off all contact without warning (or a good friend). I think it's fine to choose not to ask a person out on a date again and fine in traditional dating for a woman not to respond to a request to meet in person or to meet again if there's a reason that responding would not be a good idea. I never expected a guy to tell me the often silly "you're so amazing but I'm not going to ask you out again because I'm not ready for a relationship." I preferred silence. Silence =lack of interest (meaning just not asking me out again).

 

Please do yourself a favor -if a long term relationship is your goal you'll burn yourself out if you keep focusing on minutae or trying to analyze what typed words mean. Or the lack of a response, etc.

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To play the devil’s advocate, how would you guys make sense of the modern terms that have become so common they might be meme phrases: words like “Slow Fade” and “Ghosting”, how do these fit with the premise texting means nothing? Just curious ;)

 

What the others are saying.

 

These are things people have been doing long before texting. Read Madame Bovary (published 1858) and see how she felt when Rodolfe, her hot but unavailable sometimes lover, stopped writing her languid letters with an ink-dipped quill. She was being "slow faded," maybe even "ghosted," though he did "man up" and send her the devastating "you're great but I'm just not feeling you" letter, with just the right dash of purple to keep her "in orbit." She tried to "recover" through a follow-up affair with Leon—because, hey, #yolo—but he quickly tired of her emotional excess and she tired of his tiring of her, and, like the modern tweens of today, she "literally wanted to die." But since she didn't have Instagram as an outlet, she swallowed arsenic instead, and literally died.

 

What has maybe changed is that texting has conditioned (many) people to expect an extraordinary amount of contact from people, especially strangers. They feel "ghosted" when someone they've never met stops texting from a dating app, though once upon a time that was just talking to someone for a few minutes at a party or bar and then realizing they left without saying goodbye or asking for your number. A night out, not falling victim to a devastating act of human cruelty. And people deem a "slow fade" someone they've met a few times vanishing back to whence they came, which prior to modern technology was called "dating," or just "being single."

 

So, yeah, best not to get too caught up in the memes.

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To play the devil’s advocate, how would you guys make sense of the modern terms that have become so common they might be meme phrases: words like “Slow Fade” and “Ghosting”, how do these fit with the premise texting means nothing? Just curious ;)

 

If you sense waning interest later on, I'd pay attention to it. Ultimately you really shouldn't be lying to yourself that someone's hot for you when that person isn't quite responding in a manner that suggests they're interested. Use your own discretion. There's always some truth to a joke but balance it all with a grain of salt. Trust yourself that you'll get through that when you cross that bridge.

 

For now, it's kind of early. See how it goes. Check out if it doesn't feel good later. No biggie.

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