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Thread: A Perfect Guy that I Constantly Question

  1. #1
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    A Perfect Guy that I Constantly Question

    Hello all!

    Thank you for taking the time to read this entry! Any and all advice is welcome.

    I've been dating a guy for a little over six months now but have known him for almost a year. He has many, many qualities that I have been looking for in a partner and absolutely shows me that he cares about me in a way no one else has. I've never felt that crazy infatuation I associate love with for him. It's always just felt comfortable for me. I worry though because I think we are on different pages and he genuinely loves me, and I don't know if I do. This confuses me because I really cannot find a "dealbreaker" when it comes to him but just don't feel that craziness I mentioned earlier. I worry about ending our relationship because I think I'd be letting a perfect guy (in my eyes at least) go.

    Any thoughts on what to do here? Anyone been in a similar situation? I'm so confused and would appreciate any insight.

    -Ben

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Thrills and chills like on a roller coaster simmer down with familiarity. If you don't see him as a partner, move on. It sounds like you've got a bit of wanderlust and grass-is-greener going on. Ask for an open relationship. You're seeking thrills and a stable partnership can't sustain that

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    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Why would you want to feel crazy in a relationship? Even the term crazy in love has a negative connotation.

    I don’t know your history but I wonder if craziness = chaos and you are attracted to that because that’s what you are used to. Maybe you need to do some soul searching until you come to believe that you are worthy of a kind, loving and sweet man that wants to show you how he feels about you.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with the above, if your past experiences with "crazy infatuation" have also led, you know, to "crazy" relationships. And, hey, if you're still needing to touch the live wires that's just where you're at right now. Nothing "perfect" can tame or surgically remove. That's your work, if and when you want to have at it.

    At the same time, I've known a lot of people who kind of "settle" for people who don't quite deliver the "click" but don't have any obvious quality that screams "end it." Yawn. Most everyone I've gone on a date or four with has been pretty awesome—smart, kind, hot, etc.—but the ones I've gotten in relationships with deliver that mystery jolt. Wouldn't call it crazy so much as the opposite: a sparkly sense of calm that makes me stop questioning anything because I'm too busy being in it and seeing where we can go. Kind of the difference between them being a person and, potentially, my person.

    At the end of the day the "perfect" (in our opinion) guy or girl isn't someone who checks off 12 boxes, but someone who, thanks to some voodoo no one can put in a can or direct on a chalkboard, is perfect for us. Checklist + voodoo = partner, to put it in rudimentary arithmetic. If after six months you're still waiting for that shoe to drop it might mean you've stumbled upon the proverbial "perfect on paper" match: so very good, save for the part where it's actually so very good.

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    Infatuation can be fleeting.

    Are you sexually attracted to your boyfriend?
    Has your ambivalence become a chronic pattern in this relationship (or any other relationship for that matter)?

    Maybe if you ponder these questions a bit more you’ll gain more clarity. :)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Infatuation is temporary. Accept that any life whether single or as a couple will become ordinary, routine and at times, boring. Nothing in life is 24 / 7 constant, endless excitement which is unrealistic.

    Accept that relationships have rhythm which include lulls.

    If he's an ideal guy, he's a keeper.

    If he's not good enough for you, then cut him loose so you can search for 'Mr. Right' if he exists, that is. Good luck.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It seems this guy you thought was straight reappeared and turned your head. Now you are questioning your current partner.
    Originally Posted by benwyatt
    He had a girlfriend and I am a guy. We were always great friends, and I had doubts about his orientation but never questioned or made any attempts to find out.

    Fast-forward to the present, I reached out, and we ended up spending the whole weekend together. It was awesome and felt just like when we were best friends. I found out during this trip that he is in fact gay

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    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Hi Ben,

    My advice would be not to settle. Even though this guy seems great and treats you well - something inside you wants more. There's something to be said for listening to your instincts. Maybe there is someone out there who would be even better for you and you can feel that somehow.

    Or... as Wiseman said maybe it's because you're thinking about a different guy and am therefore tired of this current man you're dating.

    Which ever one is true... I think you'd be doing both you and him a favor by taking a step back from dating him. I would say definitely don't commit to him while having doubts. No shame in that, just always take the time you need for things like this.

    Wishing you the best :)

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    You mistakenly think "love" is that whirlwind thing you see on TV & in the movies. It's not. It is actually the comfortable feeling you share with your BF. Stop looking for the fleeting infatuation & be grateful you found something solid & real.

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    I think you need to feel a spark with the person and that even if you don't feel it at certain times you can revive it or know you can. That's the glue of romantic love/a romantic relationship. Perfect guy doesn't mean perfect for you - might mean perfect on paper but he's Mr. Right For Now instead of Mr. Right. I don't think you need to feel crazy/cloud nine etc which often can just be insecurity or newness but a spark - yes, definitely. Otherwise to me it is settling and that's not fair to you or to him. If you can't tell I've been where you are and banged my head against the wall with the "perfect guys" because I just wasn't feeling it. I wasted so much time that way. Ironically the man I had the spark for, the man I knew was right for me, perfect for me (1) is not perfect in the least (shhhh neither am I); and (2) was someone who I did not feel enough of a spark with the first time we seriously dated but almost 8 year later.... I did. Night and day difference.

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