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Thread: A Perfect Guy that I Constantly Question

  1. #11
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    Thank you for the insight! I would absolutely NOT want an open relationship. I respect people who can manage those, but they are definitely not for me. What I question here is the "spark" or "voodoo" someone described below. I can do without the ups and downs for sure. Trust me, I've had enough of those, but it's the strong desire on my part that I find missing here!

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Thrills and chills like on a roller coaster simmer down with familiarity. If you don't see him as a partner, move on. It sounds like you've got a bit of wanderlust and grass-is-greener going on. Ask for an open relationship. You're seeking thrills and a stable partnership can't sustain that

  2. #12
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    This is what I've been questioning myself too! As in, have I grown to believe that love should be chaotic?!? Ahh! So many areas to explore here and questioning. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! <3

    Originally Posted by maew
    Why would you want to feel crazy in a relationship? Even the term crazy in love has a negative connotation.

    I don’t know your history but I wonder if craziness = chaos and you are attracted to that because that’s what you are used to. Maybe you need to do some soul searching until you come to believe that you are worthy of a kind, loving and sweet man that wants to show you how he feels about you.

  3. #13
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    Thank you for your insight! It's the idea of settling that sort of freaks me out! As in, I know this guy is amazing there is no question on my end because of that, but that "voodoo" you speak about is what I find missing. I thought it would come with time and while my attachment and comfort with his has grown over time, I find myself questioning my investment in the relationship a lot more than I would like. In the past, I've ended relationships because of red-flags or definite deal breakers but never because I was just "not feeling it" or because the "spark" was missing. It's definitely a new experience and one that feels more painful because I know it'd be very painful for him, and I don't want to hurt him.

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I agree with the above, if your past experiences with "crazy infatuation" have also led, you know, to "crazy" relationships. And, hey, if you're still needing to touch the live wires that's just where you're at right now. Nothing "perfect" can tame or surgically remove. That's your work, if and when you want to have at it.

    At the same time, I've known a lot of people who kind of "settle" for people who don't quite deliver the "click" but don't have any obvious quality that screams "end it." Yawn. Most everyone I've gone on a date or four with has been pretty awesome—smart, kind, hot, etc.—but the ones I've gotten in relationships with deliver that mystery jolt. Wouldn't call it crazy so much as the opposite: a sparkly sense of calm that makes me stop questioning anything because I'm too busy being in it and seeing where we can go. Kind of the difference between them being a person and, potentially, my person.

    At the end of the day the "perfect" (in our opinion) guy or girl isn't someone who checks off 12 boxes, but someone who, thanks to some voodoo no one can put in a can or direct on a chalkboard, is perfect for us. Checklist + voodoo = partner, to put it in rudimentary arithmetic. If after six months you're still waiting for that shoe to drop it might mean you've stumbled upon the proverbial "perfect on paper" match: so very good, save for the part where it's actually so very good.

  4. #14
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    The sexual attraction is definitely there as is the sexual chemistry! The ambivalence piece is not a chronic pattern in others relationships but definitely in this one. Like, I never felt that "spark" but did feel very comfortable and cared for, which is what has kept me here throughout. These are definitely things to keep in mind! Thank you! <3

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Leah33
    Infatuation can be fleeting.

    Are you sexually attracted to your boyfriend?
    Has your ambivalence become a chronic pattern in this relationship (or any other relationship for that matter)?

    Maybe if you ponder these questions a bit more you’ll gain more clarity. :)
    The sexual attraction is definitely there as is the sexual chemistry! The ambivalence piece is not a chronic pattern in others relationships but definitely in this one. Like, I never felt that "spark" but did feel very comfortable and cared for, which is what has kept me here throughout. These are definitely things to keep in mind! Thank you! <3

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Infatuation is temporary. Accept that any life whether single or as a couple will become ordinary, routine and at times, boring. Nothing in life is 24 / 7 constant, endless excitement which is unrealistic.

    Accept that relationships have rhythm which include lulls.

    If he's an ideal guy, he's a keeper.

    If he's not good enough for you, then cut him loose so you can search for 'Mr. Right' if he exists, that is. Good luck.
    Absolutely, thank you for sharing that! This feeling of non-enthusiasm has been present from the beginning. I have always enjoyed his company but don't haven't felt fully in the relationship at any time, which sucks because of how awesome he is. :(

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It seems this guy you thought was straight reappeared and turned your head. Now you are questioning your current partner.
    Haha I see you went into my history! That post is from maybe September of 2018. I had a good conversation with that guy and we decided to maintain our friendship. His situation is completely unrelated to the one in the current post. Different times. Different men. Unrelated situations except for both of them involving me. :)

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by LC8328
    Hi Ben,

    My advice would be not to settle. Even though this guy seems great and treats you well - something inside you wants more. There's something to be said for listening to your instincts. Maybe there is someone out there who would be even better for you and you can feel that somehow.

    Or... as Wiseman said maybe it's because you're thinking about a different guy and am therefore tired of this current man you're dating.

    Which ever one is true... I think you'd be doing both you and him a favor by taking a step back from dating him. I would say definitely don't commit to him while having doubts. No shame in that, just always take the time you need for things like this.

    Wishing you the best :)
    Thank you so much for you sweet and thoughtful response! I do worry about what I am doing to him. Like, I can deal with my internal process and sort out my mess but he's oblivious to this, which is unfair. He's not the kind of guy that someone should "settle" for but deserves to be loved and cared for as much as he is able to give. <3

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by TeeDee
    You mistakenly think "love" is that whirlwind thing you see on TV & in the movies. It's not. It is actually the comfortable feeling you share with your BF. Stop looking for the fleeting infatuation & be grateful you found something solid & real.
    Great great point you make sure! I don't want the chaos but do seek that "spark!" It's a struggle to know where the balance lies!

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think you need to feel a spark with the person and that even if you don't feel it at certain times you can revive it or know you can. That's the glue of romantic love/a romantic relationship. Perfect guy doesn't mean perfect for you - might mean perfect on paper but he's Mr. Right For Now instead of Mr. Right. I don't think you need to feel crazy/cloud nine etc which often can just be insecurity or newness but a spark - yes, definitely. Otherwise to me it is settling and that's not fair to you or to him. If you can't tell I've been where you are and banged my head against the wall with the "perfect guys" because I just wasn't feeling it. I wasted so much time that way. Ironically the man I had the spark for, the man I knew was right for me, perfect for me (1) is not perfect in the least (shhhh neither am I); and (2) was someone who I did not feel enough of a spark with the first time we seriously dated but almost 8 year later.... I did. Night and day difference.

    Thank you for sharing your experience! It's nice knowing that I'm not alone in this kind of stuff because it can be frustrating and maybe even scary, which itself speaks to so many other things. This idea of "just not feeling it" is so foreign to me that I don't know what to do! Eek! <3

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