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Thread: I Have No Idea What This Is?

  1. #1
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    I Have No Idea What This Is?

    So this is a follow up to a thread a little over a month ago about a girl reaching out to me after a breakup.
    Summary:
    Girl from college that I had a crush on while working on capstone project reaches out to me after the ending of my two year long relationship. We had talked a bit in the year or so since we graduated but she always ghosted the conversation eventually. Told her I had a crush on her back when we were working together and she said she did too, but that's where the conversation ended after I had tried to pursue that conversation. Admittedly maybe a bad idea just weeks after my breakup. The thing that struck me as odd about her reaching out is that we were never really close friends at all and she had no reason or responsibility to reach out and check up on me after that, especially sending me such a long message which my closest friends didn't even do, they all sent short messages checking up on me.That initial conversation after the breakup was about both of our breakups, mine just a week or so ago and her's which had happened a few months prior. I took the advice of posters here and dropped it, wasn't going to pursue it further. After all she ghosted the conversation after saying she had a crush on me back when we were working together so not a great sign. I figured I scared her off. So the end.

    Cut to a week and a half ago:
    She reaches out again. Sending me a hey how are you doing? whatcha up to? kind of message. Told her what I had told her a month ago, "I'm happy and i'm in a good place". Unlike after the breakup this wasn't prompted by anything I posted on social media or any life event or anything. This just came out of the blue. Once again we talked for about a week before she dropped the conversation again. I thought that once again we had a good conversation going too, wasn't dry or anything. We didn't talk about the mutual crush or anything mainly just about life and what we were both up to, she talked a bit about how she was still struggling a bit with her breakup now about a half year ago, and my breakup which I had said I was more or less over now two months later, but that was the minority of the conversation. Most of it just about life currently. I knew she was still struggling a bit with it because she will post quotes or excerpts on social media about being mentally strong and overcoming heartache every once and a while, which is what prompted me to ask her about it.

    What to do?:
    I'm usually alright at reading signs but this confuses me. This is now the third or fourth time dating back to even before either of our breakups that she had no reason to ever talk to me again, we were both out of school so we weren't going to see each other again. She is someone I had on multiple occasions now realized " yeah this is a person i'm probably never going to hear from again" and was ok with just being passive social media friends, just one of hundreds, only for her to reach out again. This is also a girl that knew explicitly that I have feelings for her. She doesn't ever like any of my stuff on social media which is strange because there are lots of people who do who I haven't talked to in years, and she is more active in my life than them but not a huge deal, just strange. The whole thing is strange to me, she is the only one who I've ever had a dialogue like this with ever in my entire life. Should I wait to see if she messages after ghosting again, should I reach out to her sometime in the future or just drop it again? I'm confused.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Since she has no interest in having a relationship with you, stop having feelings for. She only wants to be your acquaintance type friend whenever it suits her fancy. You're basically on standby. Either accept her fickle ways and remain on call or learn to drift apart from her. Just drop it again. You're nothing more than a convenient person on the other end of the line.

    You can retain her as your social media friend or delete her. It's up to you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to say, my friend, but this is classic friendzoning.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's really hard to tell if you haven't asked her out, OP. It sounds like this is a really limp or not so great attempt at showing someone you're interested in dating. I tend to think that the majority of our interactions are a sum of the energy we have as people and what we show to others. It's an accumulated effect. If you come back now and tell me you're not interested in her, I might think you're not being as honest with yourself because that's an awful lot of thought to put into someone who's one out of hundreds in your social circles.

    I've had male friends in the past who were like this and passively waited for me to show an interest first but never did make any first moves. Years later, we were to find out that he wanted to ask me out but was too afraid to. I don't know why. Their excuses were that they weren't sure I'd be interested. It was a lot of missed time and opportunity on both our parts (I made mistakes too). Don't live out all that regret. If you like her, call a spade a spade and move on already. Ask her out. Either that or start meeting new people. You're letting this take up too much of your thoughts.

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    She only wants to be your acquaintance type friend whenever it suits her fancy. You're basically on standby. Either accept her fickle ways and remain on call or learn to drift apart from her. Just drop it again. You're nothing more than a convenient person on the other end of the line.
    This says it all. She is FICKLE. I stopped trying to figure out WHY people are fickle, and just cut off contact from them. It's very rude and insulting behavior.

  7. #6
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    Reading your post is amazing for how passive you are. Clearly with all you write about her, you've been interested all the way through. Yet you wait for her to contact you, go along for a while, then stop when she stops. Sometimes people like a safety net to believe someone may be interested but they don't want to actually pursue anything in order to make sure that dreamworld keeps going. This may be why you're staying so passive.

    Other thing to note, the great news for all is that the social media world still does not rate anyone for asking someone out and getting accepted or declined. There is not a don't-want-to-date-that-one emoji that will be permanently affixed to your accounts. You are safe.

    So, if you are serious about attempting to get together with this woman who you are interested in, then the thing to do is write that you have enjoyed the conversations but they are too quick. It would be great to meet. Give a specific suggestion of a week for starters, in other words, do not say a passive "sometime." If she delays without following through, you have an easy answer, she isn't interested. If she accepts, nice.


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