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Is my fiance a closeted psychopath?


anonymousflo

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Just to give you a back story, my fiance has never been physically abusive. Short tempered and a bully verbally when he gets mad, yes. But never physical. We have two kids together and have been together for a few years.

So anyways, the other night he and I were casually discussing child support when he (half as a joke, half out of curiosity) decided to pull up one of those child support calculators online to see what he would hypothetically have to pay. After getting the results he laughed and said "By the way, if you ever take me for child support, I'll kill you." He has never threatened to harm me, so I was stunned and didn't know what to say. Despite it bothering me, I tried to ignore it by giving a simple laugh and saying "yeah right." To which he responded with a straight face "I'm serious. If you ruin my life like that, I'll ing blow your head off and then kill myself." I was speechless because he has never shown any indication of ever being violent towards me. The threat seemed out of character. A day or two later, I brought it up again because it was still bothering me, but I maybe I'm overreacting, so I ask "that was a joke, right?" He laughed and said "no, I'm dead serious." But the way he said it, he sounded like he was joking? The conversation was dropped and has not been revisited. He's not the "talk about your feelings" or an "open dialogue" kind of guy, so I don't want to bring it up again.

 

Child support is a non-issue for me, and I obviously have no intentions of needing that from him. We have plans to be married soon. But his comments genuinely scared me, just to think that he could be capable of saying such a thing, much less actually doing it. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting for feeling this way. Should I be worried? Could this indicate a deeply rooted issue that I'm blind to right now? Or is this a poor attempt at a joke, and I'm being overly sensitive? Like I said, no other indication or threats that he would ever harm me.

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Why is it okay for him to be emotionally abusive? Why do you think this is in any way okay for your kids to be exposed to?

 

Get the f8ck away from this guy!!!! You are not blind to anything, he has always been abusive to you!

 

Child support should never be a "non issue." This is for the benefit of your children. Remember. I don't get your thinking.

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Does he own a gun? What does he do for a living? He sounds like a loose canon and surely stating that "well he hasn't been physical" means you are in deep denial and quite brainwashed already. Fear and threats are abuse. You know very well it's an abusive relationship, but you're not ready to leave because "there are good times" and "he gets angry but doesn't mean it". And yes every woman found dead at the hands of her lover/bf has said this.

 

Yes, leave him. get a restraining order and definitely file for child support. Do not be intimidated because child support has nothing to do with you it has to do with him, the law and whatever children he fathered. Every woman who is found dead along side her kids has also said. "well he hasn't been physical" (yet)

 

You need to contact friends and family and get your kids and self to safety. Stop talking to him. Stop discussing controversial topics.It's nonsense. Get to social services or the police and get a restraining order and get out. Who cares about diagnosing him? Get the hell out.

But never physical. We have two kids together

 

he responded with a straight face "I'm serious. If you ruin my life like that, I'll ing blow your head off and then kill myself."

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There’s a lot going on here

 

But for the life of me, and I’m trying, I can’t see a situation where this type of sore subject is brought up in jest...

 

Care to elaborate?

 

Has he ever joked in this manner before? I have to believe someone so against the institution of child support made it known, those types usually do, yet here you are with two kids joking about this stuff...

 

I don’t get it...

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There have been enough cases over the years of men murdering their partners and children after the relationship has ended to take his words very seriously. Who the hell makes threats like that and continues even when given the opportunity to say they didn't mean it? Scary stuff. To me that's a form of coercive control and I'd be looking to seek advice from Women's Aid or similar on a safe exit plan.

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The topic came up because someone in his friend circle is going through it. My wording made it sound like we sit around talking about things like this for no reason, but the conversation came up organically. As to why he calculated his own income, I can only guess because I'm not him. I can only assume it was out of curiosity, or as a joke, (or what someone on here pointed out that I hadn't thought of - to let his feeling on it be known.)

The entire conversation was obviously uncomfortable for me, especially once it got personal. I tried to shake it off and not escalate the situation unnecessarily. It was an odd one time occurrence, so I honestly didn't know how to react. We don't frequently discuss these types of things out of boredom.

As for his job, he's in the law enforcement branch and has faught overseas. He's respected by many, including me. Which is partially why this feels bizarre to me.

 

Also, the reason I said child support is a non issue to me isn't because of my feelings on it. I was trying to clarify for everyone the situation as best I could, but obviously made a poor choice in words. I simply wanted it to be known that this isn't an issue I have been contemplating or discussing. It's a non issue because it was never considered before, is what I meant.

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For those being harsh (as if I should see the answers clearly) - I hope that you can understand that I am considering tearing apart my entire family over a comment that was made only once. Please understand the gravity of what this means for me and my family. Please show some grace when responding. For you, this thread is easily thought through and forgotten once you're bored with the discussion; but for me, it's my life right now. Just please be kind. I'm smart enough to know I should be concerned. I just don't know to what degree. I'm seeking advice and validation. Something to provide some clarity. When you view someone through rose colored glasses, you miss the red flags because all of the flags look the same.

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I'm not referring to "stuff like this." I'm referring to him. I'm saying that it's easy to miss the red flags when you view someone through rose colored glasses. Solidifying your point of "it can happen to anyone."

I read that if you put a frog in a pot of water and slowly increase the heat, the frog will stay put and won't fight it because he's unaware he's being boiled. Much like an abusive relationship.

I'm smart enough to know this.

 

Maybe I'm the frog being boiled. Maybe I'm overreacting. Simply seeking validation in my feelings.

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Please understand the gravity of what this means for me and my family. Please show some grace when responding. For you, this thread is easily thought through and forgotten once you're bored with the discussion; but for me, it's my life right now.

 

I do think that people on this forum tend to rather readily give up on relationships and over-diagnose issues sometimes, something I think I am guilty of occasionally too. This is why I have avoided commenting here all day, because I understand the implication of what it would mean if you went with the majority advice here.

 

I personally do not feel like I have enough context and information to give you advice either way with much confidence.

 

Short tempered and a bully verbally when he gets mad, yes. But never physical.

 

There is a lot to unpack in that short sentence. Are you saying that he is verbally abusive whenever he "gets mad"? How often does he get mad? How hurtful is this verbal bullying when he gets mad? Does he ever express regret or apologize after the event? Do you feel that apology (if there is any) is sincere?

 

How is the rest of your relationship? You have borne two children for the man and lived with him for years. Surely you should know if he is actually a psychopath, in the medical definition of the term, where he is incapable of feeling empathy, and simulates expressions of compassion or love based on mimicry of how he thinks he should behave in a given situation, rather than behaving naturally. When he gets mad, do you feel like it is a burst of raw anger, or frustration at having to maintain an act. Those are subtly different.

 

Does he have any mental illnesses? Why did you specifically ask about "psychopath"? Did you mean it in the medical sense as I described, or just "my boyfriend is evil!" sense.

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I'm not referring to "stuff like this." I'm referring to him. I'm saying that it's easy to miss the red flags when you view someone through rose colored glasses. Solidifying your point of "it can happen to anyone."

I read that if you put a frog in a pot of water and slowly increase the heat, the frog will stay put and won't fight it because he's unaware he's being boiled. Much like an abusive relationship.

I'm smart enough to know this.

 

Maybe I'm the frog being boiled. Maybe I'm overreacting. Simply seeking validation in my feelings.

Smart really has nothing to do with it . Many smart people are caught in abusive situations .

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OP this is a horrible situation and I really do feel your concern. I agree with everyone else that what he said is so wrong and so worrying. I also understand your predicament. You have a family with him, you love him and overall it seems you are happy in this relationship.

 

Perhaps you could expand on what you described as his bullying behaviour? There is a tone in your post of...I don't know, walking on eggshells? Do you possibly have a fear of him that exists before this threat was made?

 

The most worrying thing for me her is that if you are concerned enough to leave, then the situation that he has threatened is more likely to come about. You leave, you file for child support and then .....

 

But if you stay, you will have this gnawing on you forever. He can't unsay those words. He made a threat. At first, yes I may have taken it as a joke (if it was said as one). But you asked for clarification and he couldn't have been more clear. That's scary.

 

 

 

I don't know what to tell you. Besides be careful.

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What exactly is a "closeted psychopath"? Rather than assign labels, go to a therapist privately and confidentially so you can get professional advice. There is an abundance of articles and accurate information available about abuse, domestic violence, risk assessments, etc. Decide for yourself whether someone who has ready access to firearms and states what you claim he stated is of concern for you. If you are still unsure, simply do some research online and discuss particular details with a professional.

I'm smart enough to know I should be concerned. I just don't know to what degree. I'm seeking advice and validation.
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Under Florida

The topic came up because someone in his friend circle is going through it. My wording made it sound like we sit around talking about things like this for no reason, but the conversation came up organically. As to why he calculated his own income, I can only guess because I'm not him. I can only assume it was out of curiosity, or as a joke, (or what someone on here pointed out that I hadn't thought of - to let his feeling on it be known.)

The entire conversation was obviously uncomfortable for me, especially once it got personal. I tried to shake it off and not escalate the situation unnecessarily. It was an odd one time occurrence, so I honestly didn't know how to react. We don't frequently discuss these types of things out of boredom.

As for his job, he's in the law enforcement branch and has faught overseas. He's respected by many, including me. Which is partially why this feels bizarre to me.

 

Also, the reason I said child support is a non issue to me isn't because of my feelings on it. I was trying to clarify for everyone the situation as best I could, but obviously made a poor choice in words. I simply wanted it to be known that this isn't an issue I have been contemplating or discussing. It's a non issue because it was never considered before, is what I meant.

 

Understood flo.

 

Can you elaborate on what exactly you’re trying to convey?

 

I’m asking because well you labeled him an emotional bully for all intents and purposes you seem to have a grasp on his behavior being wrong, yet you’ve stayed. He’s emotionally abusive yet you allowed yourself to participate in a conversation that, at least to me, had an obvious risk of being a button pushing event.

 

If we say yes it’s dangerous, do you plan to actually leave?

 

Seriously speaking this sounds like a relationship that is not working even without this event

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I do think that people on this forum tend to rather readily give up on relationships and over-diagnose issues sometimes, something I think I am guilty of occasionally too. This is why I have avoided commenting here all day, because I understand the implication of what it would mean if you went with the majority advice here.

 

I personally do not feel like I have enough context and information to give you advice either way with much confidence.

 

 

 

.

 

She said her verbally abusive boyfriend said he would kill her...

 

Overreacting how?

 

I agree that it’s not always wise to take a posters retelling of a story as gospel, after all there’s always two sides to a story but when someone says they were told they would be killed... I don’t know...

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Agree. You need to discuss this with a professional. Not toss around terms such as "is he a closeted psychopath?" on social media, Reddit, Quora, random forums etc..

 

Bingo.

 

You keep reiterating you’re seeking validation, multiple individuals have said this is concerning. The way you painted the picture, it’s concerning.

 

Did you not want that to be the answer?

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