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Thread: The "exclusive" talk

  1. #1
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    The "exclusive" talk

    I've been seeing a guy for about four weeks now. We met on a dating app and have gone on about eight dates, mostly just hanging out at his place but we've gone to the mall and the movies together as well. We have also slept together on most of our dates. He asks me to hang out frequently. We don't text each other every day though because we just don't feel like we need to. I get along with his friends too, they're always so nice when I go to his place. I really like him and I would like us to have a serious relationship but is four weeks too soon to discuss this? I haven't been seeing anyone else since I met him, and I've even started to cut off past flings because I like this guy so much. How should I have this conversation without potentially scaring him off? TIA!

  2. #2
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    Getting sexual too fast doesn't bode well for a serious relationship. If you can sleep with him you can talk about things with him. That being said, I don't think I've ever had to bring up exclusivity. I think guys should do it.

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    I agree with Honeycomb, if you did not just want a fwb or casual fling, why give up sex so readily? If you go on a date to a guy's house/apartment, it's not really a date, it's a bootycall. Why does he even need to consider anything serious, because what is he not already getting that he might want? Convenient and cheap (no need to wine and dine apparently) fun times self-delivered straight to his bedroom. What an arrangement!

    Not every guy is the same, granted, but in general, whatever comes easily is not appreciated. Even if he were a somewhat responsible guy, he is gonna be thinking, "wow she was so quick to offer sex, I wonder how many other guys she has slept with, or is still sleeping with... She says she is not seeing anyone else now, but I don't know, she seems too casual and too easy."

    If you are truly casual and liberal, then all power to you. But if you want to be respected and build a serious monogamous relationship with a mature and responsible man, I would seriously suggest that you reassess how readily you put sex on the table and how you present your self-worth. (Note I said how you present it, I am not making assumptions about your sense of self worth and self-esteem). Women need to stop associating casual sex with emotional connection and "progress" in a romantic relationship. If you are physically attractive, pretty much all single men, and also plenty of non-single men, will want to have no-strings-attached sex with you, it does not mean any of them love you.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Since it wasn't too soon to sleep with him, why would it be too soon to ask a simple question?

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  6. #5
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    I would try to get him to actually "date" you. you have not gone out on 8 dates. You have Netflixed and chilled.Suggest an actual date and see if you still like him after you go on two actual dates. Meeting his friends at the mall is not a date. Hanging out at his place and having sex is not a date.

    I agree with HGO

  7. #6
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    I don't know. For what it's worth, I'm single so maybe I don't have the best advice on this topic! I've been in your shoes before and it kind of stinks, because you don't want to pressure him, but you also are curious if he sees some potential with you down the road or if you are just Ms. Good Enough for Now or if he has other women in his rotation. Some people would say that 4 weeks is too short a time, I personally don't think so, but I feel like I make decisions quickly. A friend of mine was in your position with a guy and finally asked him after 9 months, and then he said he didn't want to be official with her. :( Another friend had that convo with a guy a few months in and he said he wasn't ready and wanted to keep seeing other women, she said ok and kept seeing other men, and kind of gritted her teeth when he had other dates... but after about 10 months, he said he wanted to be exclusive with her and now they're happily married, as far as I can tell. So I don't know what's the right answer - I guess it is different for everyone.

    How do you feel about him? What is your timeline? And do you notice if he is still logging in on dating sites?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    As soon as sex happens, have the exclusive talk. Don't talk about 'serious relationship' but do discuss not seeing/having sex with other people.
    Originally Posted by justwaiting
    We have also slept together on most of our dates.
    I would like us to have a serious relationship but is four weeks too soon to discuss this?

  9. #8
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    That's kind of what I was thinking. I don't need him to be my boyfriend or anything (at least not at the moment); I just want to know if he's pursuing other people, both for safety reasons and because if he is, I'll start to see other people too. I guess what I mean by "serious" is that we're both on the same page.

    That being said, we have some actual dates planned in the near future :) thanks so much so far, everyone!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I disagree with the idea that early sex, or even early Netflix-and-chill, means things can't develop into something serious. That said, at least in my experience, after a month you hopefully have some sense of whether you're on the same page. You talk life, hopes, values. You talk about what you're looking for: serious, casual, whatever. You express affection for someone, and have it expressed back.

    And if there's very little of that talk and, instead, lots of quarter-watched movies and half-eaten takeout giving way to sex? Well, then you basically know that the other person isn't into you for much more than that.

    So, have you guys had any talks past the surface of life? Do you have any sense of what he wants, in the big picture? Does he have any sense of what you want? This stuff should not be scary, but exciting.

  11. #10
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    Why are you hanging out at his house all the time? This leads to a FWB situation, if that is what you are cool with. You should be going out on proper dates.

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