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The "exclusive" talk


justwaiting

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I've been seeing a guy for about four weeks now. We met on a dating app and have gone on about eight dates, mostly just hanging out at his place but we've gone to the mall and the movies together as well. We have also slept together on most of our dates. He asks me to hang out frequently. We don't text each other every day though because we just don't feel like we need to. I get along with his friends too, they're always so nice when I go to his place. I really like him and I would like us to have a serious relationship but is four weeks too soon to discuss this? I haven't been seeing anyone else since I met him, and I've even started to cut off past flings because I like this guy so much. How should I have this conversation without potentially scaring him off? TIA!

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I agree with Honeycomb, if you did not just want a fwb or casual fling, why give up sex so readily? If you go on a date to a guy's house/apartment, it's not really a date, it's a bootycall. Why does he even need to consider anything serious, because what is he not already getting that he might want? Convenient and cheap (no need to wine and dine apparently) fun times self-delivered straight to his bedroom. What an arrangement!

 

Not every guy is the same, granted, but in general, whatever comes easily is not appreciated. Even if he were a somewhat responsible guy, he is gonna be thinking, "wow she was so quick to offer sex, I wonder how many other guys she has slept with, or is still sleeping with... She says she is not seeing anyone else now, but I don't know, she seems too casual and too easy."

 

If you are truly casual and liberal, then all power to you. But if you want to be respected and build a serious monogamous relationship with a mature and responsible man, I would seriously suggest that you reassess how readily you put sex on the table and how you present your self-worth. (Note I said how you present it, I am not making assumptions about your sense of self worth and self-esteem). Women need to stop associating casual sex with emotional connection and "progress" in a romantic relationship. If you are physically attractive, pretty much all single men, and also plenty of non-single men, will want to have no-strings-attached sex with you, it does not mean any of them love you.

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I would try to get him to actually "date" you. you have not gone out on 8 dates. You have Netflixed and chilled.Suggest an actual date and see if you still like him after you go on two actual dates. Meeting his friends at the mall is not a date. Hanging out at his place and having sex is not a date.

 

I agree with HGO

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I don't know. For what it's worth, I'm single so maybe I don't have the best advice on this topic! I've been in your shoes before and it kind of stinks, because you don't want to pressure him, but you also are curious if he sees some potential with you down the road or if you are just Ms. Good Enough for Now or if he has other women in his rotation. Some people would say that 4 weeks is too short a time, I personally don't think so, but I feel like I make decisions quickly. A friend of mine was in your position with a guy and finally asked him after 9 months, and then he said he didn't want to be official with her. :( Another friend had that convo with a guy a few months in and he said he wasn't ready and wanted to keep seeing other women, she said ok and kept seeing other men, and kind of gritted her teeth when he had other dates... but after about 10 months, he said he wanted to be exclusive with her and now they're happily married, as far as I can tell. So I don't know what's the right answer - I guess it is different for everyone.

 

How do you feel about him? What is your timeline? And do you notice if he is still logging in on dating sites?

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That's kind of what I was thinking. I don't need him to be my boyfriend or anything (at least not at the moment); I just want to know if he's pursuing other people, both for safety reasons and because if he is, I'll start to see other people too. I guess what I mean by "serious" is that we're both on the same page.

 

That being said, we have some actual dates planned in the near future :) thanks so much so far, everyone!

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I disagree with the idea that early sex, or even early Netflix-and-chill, means things can't develop into something serious. That said, at least in my experience, after a month you hopefully have some sense of whether you're on the same page. You talk life, hopes, values. You talk about what you're looking for: serious, casual, whatever. You express affection for someone, and have it expressed back.

 

And if there's very little of that talk and, instead, lots of quarter-watched movies and half-eaten takeout giving way to sex? Well, then you basically know that the other person isn't into you for much more than that.

 

So, have you guys had any talks past the surface of life? Do you have any sense of what he wants, in the big picture? Does he have any sense of what you want? This stuff should not be scary, but exciting.

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We both want something more than just casual dating and sex, and we always have conversations about what we want in life in general along with getting to know deeper things about each other. But still, the whole Netflix and chill thing also takes up our time. I probably shouldn’t expect this, but I’m hoping once we have a real conversation about how we feel about each other, we can take things more serious (ie: meeting parents and more friends) from there.

 

We usually hang out at his place because we both like watching movies and playing video games. Doesn’t mean we don’t go out at all, we have a couple times; we just like spending time together no matter what we do or where we are

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We both want something more than just casual dating and sex, and we always have conversations about what we want in life in general along with getting to know deeper things about each other. But still, the whole Netflix and chill thing also takes up our time. I probably shouldn’t expect this, but I’m hoping once we have a real conversation about how we feel about each other, we can take things more serious (ie: meeting parents and more friends) from there.

 

We usually hang out at his place because we both like watching movies and playing video games. Doesn’t mean we don’t go out at all, we have a couple times; we just like spending time together no matter what we do or where we are

 

Just to point out the obvious and not saying that is definitely what is happening here... but guys can and do lie and say what they think a girl wants to hear in order to get sex. If you are unsure about where you stand after a month, perhaps he is deliberately being non-committal or vague.

 

Also I don't think you necessarily need to go from Netflix and Chill straight to "the talk", and it is certainly way too early to talk about meeting parents. Why not suggest some different activities and see how he responds. Yes you guys like movies, video games and sex, but why not mix it up with maybe a LAN party (or other form of party) involving friends (ideally his) or a day (or weekend) trip? Basically suggest activities where he is sharing his life with you and activities where sex is not going to be obviously on the menu. Then if he is making excuses about being busy suddenly, or his enthusiasm drops off noticeably, you got your answer without sort of forcing him into a corner with "the talk".

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We both want something more than just casual dating and sex, and we always have conversations about what we want in life in general along with getting to know deeper things about each other. But still, the whole Netflix and chill thing also takes up our time. I probably shouldn’t expect this, but I’m hoping once we have a real conversation about how we feel about each other, we can take things more serious (ie: meeting parents and more friends) from there.

 

We usually hang out at his place because we both like watching movies and playing video games. Doesn’t mean we don’t go out at all, we have a couple times; we just like spending time together no matter what we do or where we are

 

Instead of jumping to "meeting parents." you should be involved in activities outside the home. Do you like outdoor activities?

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In a way you want to fast-track things with assumed milestones such as meeting family etc. However those do not mean anything nor does talk about "what we want one day". Remember anyone can say "one day i want a house and kids etc".

 

What does solidify things for you is to put one foot in front of the other and start with having the exclusive talk. Then start bonding by doing things together besides sex and staring at tv. You need to observe his behavior.

 

Dating is for observation, getting to know each other and to see if there is a good fit, not for meeting family and talking about "what we want in general". And that can only happen in the context of shared activities that are outside of the house. Observe how he acts with you, with others. Words and talk are meaningless.

We both want something more than just casual dating and sex, and we always have conversations about what we want in life in general
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So here's how it worked best for me. The talk had nothing to do with sex -we were not having sex before we were exclusive and the talk had nothing to do with whether we were going to start having sex (that was a separate conversation at the right time and the "logic" part of that talk was STD/birth control, etc). Anyway it wasn't much of an in depth convo about feelings, etc -more just clarifying our intention to date only each other and not to look to date others. Usually the guy brought it up within the first 6 weeks or so. The two times I brought it up the responses I got were (1) (after 3 months of dating, we were not yet having sex, we were having sleepovers) - "I'm not quite ready to be exclusive" (I decided to give it another month then ended it when he revealed a scary anger disorder he had); and (2) it came up because he wanted to have sex earlier than i was comfortable with -around the 6-8 week mark and he wanted "monogamy but he could meet a woman for coffee if he wanted". I said nope. He agreed to exclusivity. Mistake because obviously he wasn't that into me to begin with and he ended things because he wasn't feeling strongly enough at 5 months.

 

So I do know of happy couples where the woman brought up exclusivity and happily married couples who had sex the first time they met. It's just far more rare. I would not bring it up unless you are uncomfortable knowing that of course he is free to have sex with other women - I'd raise the issue of monogamy etc and also make sure you're on the same page should you get pregnant.

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Thank you for your responses, everyone :) I’ve decided to use a more casual approach and talk about exclusivity with him in terms of dating/seeing/sexing other people and also what he’s looking for with me. If what he says doesn’t work well with me, I’ll definitely try to see his side of things but ultimately I’ll have to end things because I’m not going to waste my time pursuing a relationship if he doesn’t see it with us in the future. For now though, we’re making plans to hang out outside of his place and it’ll just be about us spending time together. I guess when the time and place feels right, I’ll bring it up then!

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Thank you for your responses, everyone :) I’ve decided to use a more casual approach and talk about exclusivity with him in terms of dating/seeing/sexing other people and also what he’s looking for with me. If what he says doesn’t work well with me, I’ll definitely try to see his side of things but ultimately I’ll have to end things because I’m not going to waste my time pursuing a relationship if he doesn’t see it with us in the future. For now though, we’re making plans to hang out outside of his place and it’ll just be about us spending time together. I guess when the time and place feels right, I’ll bring it up then!

 

Why are you going to try to see his side of things if he doesn't want exclusivity with you? This is an early dating stage so please know your boundaries and certainly be a polite listener but there's no requirement to compromise your values or boundaries. If you knew he was never going to talk about exclusivity with you (first) how long would you stay? At that point- your end date - then bring it up but I wouldn't bring it up before then. He already knows how you feel about relationships in general so the reason he is not bringing it up is because he is comfortable knowing you could be dating or looking to date others and he wants to keep his options open too -he's willing to risk you meeting someone else and he is enjoying hanging out with you, going on dates, and having sex with you.

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I get the impression that you are trying to be "cool" while making choices based mainly on fear. Rough combo, that. Uncool. You like him, don't want to date others or have sex with others, don't like the idea of him dating and sleeping with others, yet rather seeing all that as a personal truth to celebrate, fearlessly, and a potential truth to celebrate together, you see it as something that will scare him off.

 

What good, in the long run, does operating from such a fearful standpoint get you? Do you want to be in a relationship, with him or anyone, that "works" because you are scared to rock the boat by being yourself? Do you want to be with a man who is so frightened of intimacy and commitment that he'll "freak out" if it gets discussed? Do you want to be scared to talk to a boyfriend, lover, potential boyfriend? If the answers to those questions is "no," it should negate the fear, since at this stage what you should be focused on is not making sure he isn't freaked out but making sure you're happy with the person you're beginning to open up to, so you can continue to open up—or not.

 

Do you, in your gut, have the sense that he's not really interested in you as anything more than a casual sex-and-movie buddy? That may be the case. It may also not. Neither of those really have anything to do with you, but are just a reflection on him, this man you are just getting to know and deciding if you want to keep getting to know him.

 

I can promise you this: continuing to play the role of casual sex-and-movie buddy, while hoping it will magically evolve into serious forever buddies, is generally not how these things happen. Waiting around in "chill" mode hoping that, if enough time passes, and some parents get met, it just "becomes" serious mode rarely leads to a satisfying relationship for either part involved. It's passive, thin, uninspiring—not enough meat on the bone for someone to get serious about.

 

As another poster said, talk to him and suggest some things to do outside the house. Then observe. If all that excites and engages him—great. If all that makes him edgy, or if all he wants is movie-and-sex nights—well, great with a sour bite. Means he's not the guy for you, which sucks, but means you're no longer wasting time trying to pretend otherwise and/or pretending to be someone you're not.

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I also disagree that early sex and spending time at home means it will never be serious, these arbitrary rules have no place in the development of a relationship or a couple's dynamic, every situation, every relationship is different.

 

Take my long term partner and me, we are both introverts and love spending time at home, always have even early in. We also had sex on our second date (at home) and we have been together 5 years, living together. Neither of us wish to be married, but became committed after a few months. Many of our coupled friends began the same way and still together after many years.

 

My advice is to wait awhile before you start pushing "serious," if your relationship is to last long term and possibly forever, you have a lifetime to learn about each other, grow to love each other, organically, with no pushing.

 

I agree with you and I think that early sex without commitment is a far riskier way to proceed if the goal is a long term relationship. If there is no goal or the people are looking for casual or just potentially serious then sure two consenting adults should do whatever feels good.

 

I think that if having a talk about being serious is "pushing" in any way it shouldn't be had and it is a sign at least on one end that there is not a mutual feeling of potential for the future. I think that if both people have the general goal of a serious relationship they can learn about each other and grow together with the shared foundation and commitment of not dating others or looking to date others. At a certain point I would not have been wiling to invest time, emotions, energy in someone who did not want to be in a committed exclusive relationship. For me personally that was around 3 months and with very few and very rare exceptions I waited to have sex until after we were exclusive, committed and with strong potential for forever because of how I felt about sex, my values about sex, and practical concerns as well.

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Thank you for your responses, everyone :) I’ve decided to use a more casual approach and talk about exclusivity with him in terms of dating/seeing/sexing other people and also what he’s looking for with me. If what he says doesn’t work well with me, I’ll definitely try to see his side of things but ultimately I’ll have to end things because I’m not going to waste my time pursuing a relationship if he doesn’t see it with us in the future. For now though, we’re making plans to hang out outside of his place and it’ll just be about us spending time together. I guess when the time and place feels right, I’ll bring it up then!

 

I would not ask "what do you see in me/do you see a future with me". I would ONLY date him outside the home and see where it goes for a bit and YOU decide if YOU see anything in HIM. Also pay attention to how he treats neutral women like clerks, waitresses, people that you interact with like that. Is he dismissive or respectful? that's a good clue on how he will treat you in the future.....

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My partner and I never had any sort of "exclusivity talk," it all happened as I said organically. I cannot say why for us, except that we both knew what we had was special, different from what each of us had prior to meeting and there was mutual trust.

 

I am not against having such a talk, but in my opinion just the need to have such a talk indicates lack of certainty and lack of trust which does not bode well for long term.

 

OP said she wants "serious" after one month which to me is different than having a talk and seeking clarity re mutual goals.

 

That's what I meant by "pushing serious" one month in is too soon for that and yes she would be risking him leaving, frankly if my partner started in about being "serious" after only one month in, I'd be freaked a little too.

 

I think it's essential to talk about general goals if the people want a long term relationship (with exceptions of course -it was essential for me and had nothing to do with not trusting just plain ole common sense since I didn't want to waste time and wanted marriage and a family) - specific goals I agree one month is too soon in general. On the STD/pregnancy side I think it's essential to talk about safety matters and monogamy (or non-monogamy) dealing with STD risk and pregnancy.

 

My husband and I both knew too. So did my previous long term partners. And we both wanted to know we were on the same page about the long term and exclusivity and marriage/kids before investing too much time - very brief discussions. To me that enhances the bond and enhances the connection just like a marriage proposal does - a verbal confirmation of what is in your heart and confirming that you're both on the same page. I've seen so many people upset and devastated even because of assumptions they made about the person they were dating and that person's intentions towards them even thought it felt natural and organic. Wasted time and hurt feelings or worse.

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Never ask this. Why? because if he wants casual he's not going to say it. Just take your time and observe where this is going. Most of all never put yourself in the position of "what he wants". It's your job to decide what You want for Yourself, not his.

 

Try not to force a crystal ball trajectory out of this this. He doesn't know you and you don't know him, so all this future talk to quell your worries won't work. If you get too attached too fast...then slow your roll. Your job, not his.

he’s looking for with me.

I’m not going to waste my time pursuing a relationship if he doesn’t see it with us in the future.

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That's great Batya, I am happy it worked out for you and your husband.

 

My partner and I are happy too by doing it differently.

 

Sure, never assumed otherwise. My sense in the OP's case is that her date is happy the way things are, that he's said nice words about his future goals and that his actions right now are more consistent with casual dating.

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Maybe it is casual for him right now, but again it's only been one month. Reaching certainty about what one wants long term with a particular partner takes longer than one month for some people. It did for me and my partner, but we got there eventually, with neither of us pushing for it or even asking.

 

Again, OP I say give it a bit more time. Enjoy the process of dating and getting to know. If you are uncomfortable spending time at home, suggest going out.

 

Dating should not be this difficult or anxiety provoking, since it is maybe it's not the right relationship for you.

 

Yes certainly -I normally would agree and since he is willing to share bodily fluids and have sex with her but is not asking her to pursue something serious or a commitment (despite claiming he wants that eventually) gives me pause. Not a huge pause since it's only been a month but since she's shown him through her actions she's ok with sex with no commitment he might not be motivated to consider a commitment to her.

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