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Thread: The "exclusive" talk

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by justicegrl
    My partner and I never had any sort of "exclusivity talk," it all happened as I said organically. I cannot say why for us, except that we both knew what we had was special, different from what each of us had prior to meeting and there was mutual trust.

    I am not against having such a talk, but in my opinion just the need to have such a talk indicates lack of certainty and lack of trust which does not bode well for long term.

    OP said she wants "serious" after one month which to me is different than having a talk and seeking clarity re mutual goals.

    That's what I meant by "pushing serious" one month in is too soon for that and yes she would be risking him leaving, frankly if my partner started in about being "serious" after only one month in, I'd be freaked a little too.
    I think it's essential to talk about general goals if the people want a long term relationship (with exceptions of course -it was essential for me and had nothing to do with not trusting just plain ole common sense since I didn't want to waste time and wanted marriage and a family) - specific goals I agree one month is too soon in general. On the STD/pregnancy side I think it's essential to talk about safety matters and monogamy (or non-monogamy) dealing with STD risk and pregnancy.

    My husband and I both knew too. So did my previous long term partners. And we both wanted to know we were on the same page about the long term and exclusivity and marriage/kids before investing too much time - very brief discussions. To me that enhances the bond and enhances the connection just like a marriage proposal does - a verbal confirmation of what is in your heart and confirming that you're both on the same page. I've seen so many people upset and devastated even because of assumptions they made about the person they were dating and that person's intentions towards them even thought it felt natural and organic. Wasted time and hurt feelings or worse.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Never ask this. Why? because if he wants casual he's not going to say it. Just take your time and observe where this is going. Most of all never put yourself in the position of "what he wants". It's your job to decide what You want for Yourself, not his.

    Try not to force a crystal ball trajectory out of this this. He doesn't know you and you don't know him, so all this future talk to quell your worries won't work. If you get too attached too fast...then slow your roll. Your job, not his.
    Originally Posted by justwaiting
    heís looking for with me.
    Iím not going to waste my time pursuing a relationship if he doesnít see it with us in the future.

  3. 09-17-2019, 11:12 AM

  4. 09-17-2019, 11:14 AM

  5. #23
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    Originally Posted by justicegrl
    That's great Batya, I am happy it worked out for you and your husband.

    My partner and I are happy too by doing it differently.
    Sure, never assumed otherwise. My sense in the OP's case is that her date is happy the way things are, that he's said nice words about his future goals and that his actions right now are more consistent with casual dating.

  6. 09-17-2019, 11:24 AM

  7. #24
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    Originally Posted by justicegrl
    Maybe it is casual for him right now, but again it's only been one month. Reaching certainty about what one wants long term with a particular partner takes longer than one month for some people. It did for me and my partner, but we got there eventually, with neither of us pushing for it or even asking.

    Again, OP I say give it a bit more time. Enjoy the process of dating and getting to know. If you are uncomfortable spending time at home, suggest going out.

    Dating should not be this difficult or anxiety provoking, since it is maybe it's not the right relationship for you.
    Yes certainly -I normally would agree and since he is willing to share bodily fluids and have sex with her but is not asking her to pursue something serious or a commitment (despite claiming he wants that eventually) gives me pause. Not a huge pause since it's only been a month but since she's shown him through her actions she's ok with sex with no commitment he might not be motivated to consider a commitment to her.

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