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Thread: The "exclusive" talk

  1. #11
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    We both want something more than just casual dating and sex, and we always have conversations about what we want in life in general along with getting to know deeper things about each other. But still, the whole Netflix and chill thing also takes up our time. I probably shouldnít expect this, but Iím hoping once we have a real conversation about how we feel about each other, we can take things more serious (ie: meeting parents and more friends) from there.

    We usually hang out at his place because we both like watching movies and playing video games. Doesnít mean we donít go out at all, we have a couple times; we just like spending time together no matter what we do or where we are

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by justwaiting
    We both want something more than just casual dating and sex, and we always have conversations about what we want in life in general along with getting to know deeper things about each other. But still, the whole Netflix and chill thing also takes up our time. I probably shouldnít expect this, but Iím hoping once we have a real conversation about how we feel about each other, we can take things more serious (ie: meeting parents and more friends) from there.

    We usually hang out at his place because we both like watching movies and playing video games. Doesnít mean we donít go out at all, we have a couple times; we just like spending time together no matter what we do or where we are
    Just to point out the obvious and not saying that is definitely what is happening here... but guys can and do lie and say what they think a girl wants to hear in order to get sex. If you are unsure about where you stand after a month, perhaps he is deliberately being non-committal or vague.

    Also I don't think you necessarily need to go from Netflix and Chill straight to "the talk", and it is certainly way too early to talk about meeting parents. Why not suggest some different activities and see how he responds. Yes you guys like movies, video games and sex, but why not mix it up with maybe a LAN party (or other form of party) involving friends (ideally his) or a day (or weekend) trip? Basically suggest activities where he is sharing his life with you and activities where sex is not going to be obviously on the menu. Then if he is making excuses about being busy suddenly, or his enthusiasm drops off noticeably, you got your answer without sort of forcing him into a corner with "the talk".

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by justwaiting
    We both want something more than just casual dating and sex, and we always have conversations about what we want in life in general along with getting to know deeper things about each other. But still, the whole Netflix and chill thing also takes up our time. I probably shouldnít expect this, but Iím hoping once we have a real conversation about how we feel about each other, we can take things more serious (ie: meeting parents and more friends) from there.

    We usually hang out at his place because we both like watching movies and playing video games. Doesnít mean we donít go out at all, we have a couple times; we just like spending time together no matter what we do or where we are
    Instead of jumping to "meeting parents." you should be involved in activities outside the home. Do you like outdoor activities?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    In a way you want to fast-track things with assumed milestones such as meeting family etc. However those do not mean anything nor does talk about "what we want one day". Remember anyone can say "one day i want a house and kids etc".

    What does solidify things for you is to put one foot in front of the other and start with having the exclusive talk. Then start bonding by doing things together besides sex and staring at tv. You need to observe his behavior.

    Dating is for observation, getting to know each other and to see if there is a good fit, not for meeting family and talking about "what we want in general". And that can only happen in the context of shared activities that are outside of the house. Observe how he acts with you, with others. Words and talk are meaningless.
    Originally Posted by justwaiting
    We both want something more than just casual dating and sex, and we always have conversations about what we want in life in general

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  6. #15
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    So here's how it worked best for me. The talk had nothing to do with sex -we were not having sex before we were exclusive and the talk had nothing to do with whether we were going to start having sex (that was a separate conversation at the right time and the "logic" part of that talk was STD/birth control, etc). Anyway it wasn't much of an in depth convo about feelings, etc -more just clarifying our intention to date only each other and not to look to date others. Usually the guy brought it up within the first 6 weeks or so. The two times I brought it up the responses I got were (1) (after 3 months of dating, we were not yet having sex, we were having sleepovers) - "I'm not quite ready to be exclusive" (I decided to give it another month then ended it when he revealed a scary anger disorder he had); and (2) it came up because he wanted to have sex earlier than i was comfortable with -around the 6-8 week mark and he wanted "monogamy but he could meet a woman for coffee if he wanted". I said nope. He agreed to exclusivity. Mistake because obviously he wasn't that into me to begin with and he ended things because he wasn't feeling strongly enough at 5 months.

    So I do know of happy couples where the woman brought up exclusivity and happily married couples who had sex the first time they met. It's just far more rare. I would not bring it up unless you are uncomfortable knowing that of course he is free to have sex with other women - I'd raise the issue of monogamy etc and also make sure you're on the same page should you get pregnant.

  7. #16
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    Thank you for your responses, everyone :) Iíve decided to use a more casual approach and talk about exclusivity with him in terms of dating/seeing/sexing other people and also what heís looking for with me. If what he says doesnít work well with me, Iíll definitely try to see his side of things but ultimately Iíll have to end things because Iím not going to waste my time pursuing a relationship if he doesnít see it with us in the future. For now though, weíre making plans to hang out outside of his place and itíll just be about us spending time together. I guess when the time and place feels right, Iíll bring it up then!

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by justwaiting
    Thank you for your responses, everyone :) Iíve decided to use a more casual approach and talk about exclusivity with him in terms of dating/seeing/sexing other people and also what heís looking for with me. If what he says doesnít work well with me, Iíll definitely try to see his side of things but ultimately Iíll have to end things because Iím not going to waste my time pursuing a relationship if he doesnít see it with us in the future. For now though, weíre making plans to hang out outside of his place and itíll just be about us spending time together. I guess when the time and place feels right, Iíll bring it up then!
    Why are you going to try to see his side of things if he doesn't want exclusivity with you? This is an early dating stage so please know your boundaries and certainly be a polite listener but there's no requirement to compromise your values or boundaries. If you knew he was never going to talk about exclusivity with you (first) how long would you stay? At that point- your end date - then bring it up but I wouldn't bring it up before then. He already knows how you feel about relationships in general so the reason he is not bringing it up is because he is comfortable knowing you could be dating or looking to date others and he wants to keep his options open too -he's willing to risk you meeting someone else and he is enjoying hanging out with you, going on dates, and having sex with you.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I get the impression that you are trying to be "cool" while making choices based mainly on fear. Rough combo, that. Uncool. You like him, don't want to date others or have sex with others, don't like the idea of him dating and sleeping with others, yet rather seeing all that as a personal truth to celebrate, fearlessly, and a potential truth to celebrate together, you see it as something that will scare him off.

    What good, in the long run, does operating from such a fearful standpoint get you? Do you want to be in a relationship, with him or anyone, that "works" because you are scared to rock the boat by being yourself? Do you want to be with a man who is so frightened of intimacy and commitment that he'll "freak out" if it gets discussed? Do you want to be scared to talk to a boyfriend, lover, potential boyfriend? If the answers to those questions is "no," it should negate the fear, since at this stage what you should be focused on is not making sure he isn't freaked out but making sure you're happy with the person you're beginning to open up to, so you can continue to open upóor not.

    Do you, in your gut, have the sense that he's not really interested in you as anything more than a casual sex-and-movie buddy? That may be the case. It may also not. Neither of those really have anything to do with you, but are just a reflection on him, this man you are just getting to know and deciding if you want to keep getting to know him.

    I can promise you this: continuing to play the role of casual sex-and-movie buddy, while hoping it will magically evolve into serious forever buddies, is generally not how these things happen. Waiting around in "chill" mode hoping that, if enough time passes, and some parents get met, it just "becomes" serious mode rarely leads to a satisfying relationship for either part involved. It's passive, thin, uninspiringónot enough meat on the bone for someone to get serious about.

    As another poster said, talk to him and suggest some things to do outside the house. Then observe. If all that excites and engages himógreat. If all that makes him edgy, or if all he wants is movie-and-sex nightsówell, great with a sour bite. Means he's not the guy for you, which sucks, but means you're no longer wasting time trying to pretend otherwise and/or pretending to be someone you're not.

  10. 09-17-2019, 10:35 AM

  11. 09-17-2019, 10:42 AM

  12. #19
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    Originally Posted by justicegrl
    I also disagree that early sex and spending time at home means it will never be serious, these arbitrary rules have no place in the development of a relationship or a couple's dynamic, every situation, every relationship is different.

    Take my long term partner and me, we are both introverts and love spending time at home, always have even early in. We also had sex on our second date (at home) and we have been together 5 years, living together. Neither of us wish to be married, but became committed after a few months. Many of our coupled friends began the same way and still together after many years.

    My advice is to wait awhile before you start pushing "serious," if your relationship is to last long term and possibly forever, you have a lifetime to learn about each other, grow to love each other, organically, with no pushing.
    I agree with you and I think that early sex without commitment is a far riskier way to proceed if the goal is a long term relationship. If there is no goal or the people are looking for casual or just potentially serious then sure two consenting adults should do whatever feels good.

    I think that if having a talk about being serious is "pushing" in any way it shouldn't be had and it is a sign at least on one end that there is not a mutual feeling of potential for the future. I think that if both people have the general goal of a serious relationship they can learn about each other and grow together with the shared foundation and commitment of not dating others or looking to date others. At a certain point I would not have been wiling to invest time, emotions, energy in someone who did not want to be in a committed exclusive relationship. For me personally that was around 3 months and with very few and very rare exceptions I waited to have sex until after we were exclusive, committed and with strong potential for forever because of how I felt about sex, my values about sex, and practical concerns as well.

  13. 09-17-2019, 10:57 AM

  14. #20
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    Originally Posted by justwaiting
    Thank you for your responses, everyone :) Iíve decided to use a more casual approach and talk about exclusivity with him in terms of dating/seeing/sexing other people and also what heís looking for with me. If what he says doesnít work well with me, Iíll definitely try to see his side of things but ultimately Iíll have to end things because Iím not going to waste my time pursuing a relationship if he doesnít see it with us in the future. For now though, weíre making plans to hang out outside of his place and itíll just be about us spending time together. I guess when the time and place feels right, Iíll bring it up then!
    I would not ask "what do you see in me/do you see a future with me". I would ONLY date him outside the home and see where it goes for a bit and YOU decide if YOU see anything in HIM. Also pay attention to how he treats neutral women like clerks, waitresses, people that you interact with like that. Is he dismissive or respectful? that's a good clue on how he will treat you in the future.....

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