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Thread: Boyfriend implied he would want sex more if I orgasmed during sex

  1. #1
    Bronze Member septembermourning's Avatar
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    Boyfriend implied he would want sex more if I orgasmed during sex

    i have been with my boyfriend 7 months. we were friends for 1.5 years before we dated. He is 55 and I am 44. We had a whirlwind super exciting courtship once we realized our feelings for each other and we were both on cloud 9. Our sex life was great or so I thought. It has always been an issue that he is not good about initiating the sex and says that has always been a problem for him. Usually if I bring it up he will say something to imply he would be fine if we do or we don't. which ticks me off. seriously? when we do have sex however it is amazing and we both enjoy it immensely.

    We have a great relationship. We are happy always laughing and doing things together. he has always treated me with love and respect. Well this weekend, it was another situation where I felt i would have to initiate if anything were to happen and I started a conversation with him about it. He told me that it bothers him that I never orgasm during intercourse. Through some questioning on my part, he admitted that previous girlfriends had always done so during intercourse. Then he told me thinks every guy really needs that feeling like he's a real man because he's making his lady orgasm. Then he added that it would give him greater motivation to have sex if I were orgasming. Well that really hurt me and pissed me off. I am a fit and attractive woman. He's making it seem like he's putting stipulations on whether he's willing to have sex which is just obnoxious. He is such a sweet nice polite guy so this really threw me off. In fact, right after this whole conversation he tells me that he loves me and that he LOVES making love to me and our sex is fantastic but he wishes i would orgasm. I told him he is putting pressure on me for something I cannot control. If i Haven't done so now through intercourse it likely ain't happening!

    I don't know how to address this with him but I am really disappointed and upset. I feel like I've been made to feel less than the woman he was with before me sexually and I can pretty much guarantee most were faking because most women can't orgasm through penetration alone. I thought he was the one. My one. I love him dearly but now I feel like if he's not satisfied sexually now it will only get worse, especially think he assumes every woman orgasms through penetration.

    How do I address this with him? I feel like this is a hopeless situation and I'm angry. I don't want to stay with him if he's not satisfied with what i have to offer sexually. Outside of this we have no other issues and have been super duper happy. I am just so hurt by this. i want to talk to him but i also don't want to go into it saying i'm hurt, i want to state what I need to in a strong matter of fact way. Ideas? THanks

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Well I know I have more fun if I think my partner is having fun. Itís not wrong to feel that way - he just wasnít tactful.

    This isnít something to bring up. Heís allowed his opinion. And if you say youíre hurt, do you really think itíll make your sex life better? Absolutely not.

    How can you have a conversation that moves to happy things rather than criticizing each other?

  3. #3
    Bronze Member septembermourning's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    Well I know I have more fun if I think my partner is having fun. Itís not wrong to feel that way - he just wasnít tactful.

    This isnít something to bring up. Heís allowed his opinion. And if you say youíre hurt, do you really think itíll make your sex life better? Absolutely not.

    How can you have a conversation that moves to happy things rather than criticizing each other?
    how can I not be afraid this is a dealbreaker for him? and this won't get worse down the line? If I don't bring it up with him, I could be wasting my time with him.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Well, I mean you pushed for an answer and you got one. Seems he was fine keeping his reservations to himself otherwise. How lazy or selfish he is from there I guess depends. Does he offer to use his hands? Finish you in other ways? Have you asked?

    Because it's one thing if he orgasms and can't be bothered afterward. It's another if it's you who just kinda wants to have sex, have him finish, and let that be that. It's not something I've experienced myself, but I'd imagine it'd be difficult to stay motivated if I were the only one to finish and that's what my partner was content with.

    In any case, sexual compatibility is a very real thing. Just 7 months in, you two should still be rolling uphill in the hay with some momentum. If this is the state of your physical intimacy, I wouldn't bank on it getting much better from here.

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    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    I don't see this being a dealbreaker kind of thing. He just wishes he could make you orgasm through penetration and it's honestly just an ego thing. It probably just frustrates him a little but not because of YOU, but because it hurts his ego.

    If what you're saying is true and the sex is amazing for both of you every time then that's all that matters. Show him some evidence online that it's common for girls to not be able to orgasm through penetration alone. I'm sure he can (and hopefully does) get you there in other ways.

    Just keep exploring each other sexually and if he can't accept your reassurance that the sex is great regardless of this goal of his then he just has an insecurity issue he'll have to get over.

    Also, the same way this bothers him, be open and tell him you'd appreciate it if he'd initiate from time to time. That you want to feel wanted. Open communication is key.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    How you talk to him is by letting the anger and hurt recede and then communicating in a mature way. You tell him you were hurt by his delivery but you want to work through it with him. That you want to be intimate with him in a way that brings both of you pleasure. Create a safe place to talk about what you both like. You know as well as we do that the most important sexual organ is the brain... it must be stimulated along with everything else.

    Communication, understanding, and emotional intimacy are key to pleasurable sex.

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    He totally threw it all on you. Terrible. You said this has always been an issue for him, as his other partners were not happy with the lack of sex, and they were orgasming.

    Does he do what is necessary to get you to orgasm (mouth and hands)? Does he only do penetration?

    I would think this type of response would could from a a 23-year-old, not a 55-year-old man!

  9. #8
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by septembermourning
    how can I not be afraid this is a dealbreaker for him? and this won't get worse down the line? If I don't bring it up with him, I could be wasting my time with him.
    Sounds like you wonít bring it up in a productive way. Thatís all. You sound angry. If you bring it up productively, go nuts.

  10. #9
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    He totally threw it all on you. Terrible. You said this has always been an issue for him, as his other partners were not happy with the lack of sex, and they were orgasming.

    Does he do what is necessary yo get you to orgasm? Is he lazy in bed? Have you orgasmed with others?

    I would think this type of response would could from a a 23-year-old, not a 55-year-old man!
    No, he didn't. He vented a sexual frustration he has because it makes him feel like less of a man. It's something he can do with past partners but not her and it hurts his ego.

    There was no implication that it's her fault and as pathetic as it is to feel the way he does, imo, it's equally pathetic to let his venting hurt you so much. He's just talking. Maybe he could've said it better but he's not implying in any way that the issue is due to anything with her. He enjoys having sex with her, but he wants to make her cum.

    I am wanting to know if he gets you off in other ways though, TC.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Studies show that up to 75 percent of women do not orgasm by vaginal intercourse alone and without some additional aid or stimulation.

    Your boyfriend is niave and needlessly psyching you out. If this isn't turned around, you'll both pay for it.

    Besides comparing you to ex's and causing you to feel inadequate, when you're not, is just hurtful and not very smart.

    Moving the goal post so you'll never be successful is hurtful too.

    Tell him to do his homework.

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