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Boyfriend implied he would want sex more if I orgasmed during sex


septembermourning

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i have been with my boyfriend 7 months. we were friends for 1.5 years before we dated. He is 55 and I am 44. We had a whirlwind super exciting courtship once we realized our feelings for each other and we were both on cloud 9. Our sex life was great or so I thought. It has always been an issue that he is not good about initiating the sex and says that has always been a problem for him. Usually if I bring it up he will say something to imply he would be fine if we do or we don't. which ticks me off. seriously? when we do have sex however it is amazing and we both enjoy it immensely.

 

We have a great relationship. We are happy always laughing and doing things together. he has always treated me with love and respect. Well this weekend, it was another situation where I felt i would have to initiate if anything were to happen and I started a conversation with him about it. He told me that it bothers him that I never orgasm during intercourse. Through some questioning on my part, he admitted that previous girlfriends had always done so during intercourse. Then he told me thinks every guy really needs that feeling like he's a real man because he's making his lady orgasm. Then he added that it would give him greater motivation to have sex if I were orgasming. Well that really hurt me and pissed me off. I am a fit and attractive woman. He's making it seem like he's putting stipulations on whether he's willing to have sex which is just obnoxious. He is such a sweet nice polite guy so this really threw me off. In fact, right after this whole conversation he tells me that he loves me and that he LOVES making love to me and our sex is fantastic but he wishes i would orgasm. I told him he is putting pressure on me for something I cannot control. If i Haven't done so now through intercourse it likely ain't happening!

 

I don't know how to address this with him but I am really disappointed and upset. I feel like I've been made to feel less than the woman he was with before me sexually and I can pretty much guarantee most were faking because most women can't orgasm through penetration alone. I thought he was the one. My one. I love him dearly but now I feel like if he's not satisfied sexually now it will only get worse, especially think he assumes every woman orgasms through penetration.

 

How do I address this with him? I feel like this is a hopeless situation and I'm angry. I don't want to stay with him if he's not satisfied with what i have to offer sexually. Outside of this we have no other issues and have been super duper happy. I am just so hurt by this. i want to talk to him but i also don't want to go into it saying i'm hurt, i want to state what I need to in a strong matter of fact way. Ideas? THanks

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Well I know I have more fun if I think my partner is having fun. It’s not wrong to feel that way - he just wasn’t tactful.

 

This isn’t something to bring up. He’s allowed his opinion. And if you say you’re hurt, do you really think it’ll make your sex life better? Absolutely not.

 

How can you have a conversation that moves to happy things rather than criticizing each other?

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Well I know I have more fun if I think my partner is having fun. It’s not wrong to feel that way - he just wasn’t tactful.

 

This isn’t something to bring up. He’s allowed his opinion. And if you say you’re hurt, do you really think it’ll make your sex life better? Absolutely not.

 

How can you have a conversation that moves to happy things rather than criticizing each other?

 

how can I not be afraid this is a dealbreaker for him? and this won't get worse down the line? If I don't bring it up with him, I could be wasting my time with him.

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Well, I mean you pushed for an answer and you got one. Seems he was fine keeping his reservations to himself otherwise. How lazy or selfish he is from there I guess depends. Does he offer to use his hands? Finish you in other ways? Have you asked?

 

Because it's one thing if he orgasms and can't be bothered afterward. It's another if it's you who just kinda wants to have sex, have him finish, and let that be that. It's not something I've experienced myself, but I'd imagine it'd be difficult to stay motivated if I were the only one to finish and that's what my partner was content with.

 

In any case, sexual compatibility is a very real thing. Just 7 months in, you two should still be rolling uphill in the hay with some momentum. If this is the state of your physical intimacy, I wouldn't bank on it getting much better from here.

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I don't see this being a dealbreaker kind of thing. He just wishes he could make you orgasm through penetration and it's honestly just an ego thing. It probably just frustrates him a little but not because of YOU, but because it hurts his ego.

 

If what you're saying is true and the sex is amazing for both of you every time then that's all that matters. Show him some evidence online that it's common for girls to not be able to orgasm through penetration alone. I'm sure he can (and hopefully does) get you there in other ways.

 

Just keep exploring each other sexually and if he can't accept your reassurance that the sex is great regardless of this goal of his then he just has an insecurity issue he'll have to get over.

 

Also, the same way this bothers him, be open and tell him you'd appreciate it if he'd initiate from time to time. That you want to feel wanted. Open communication is key.

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How you talk to him is by letting the anger and hurt recede and then communicating in a mature way. You tell him you were hurt by his delivery but you want to work through it with him. That you want to be intimate with him in a way that brings both of you pleasure. Create a safe place to talk about what you both like. You know as well as we do that the most important sexual organ is the brain... it must be stimulated along with everything else.

 

Communication, understanding, and emotional intimacy are key to pleasurable sex.

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He totally threw it all on you. Terrible. You said this has always been an issue for him, as his other partners were not happy with the lack of sex, and they were orgasming.

 

Does he do what is necessary to get you to orgasm (mouth and hands)? Does he only do penetration?

 

I would think this type of response would could from a a 23-year-old, not a 55-year-old man!

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He totally threw it all on you. Terrible. You said this has always been an issue for him, as his other partners were not happy with the lack of sex, and they were orgasming.

 

Does he do what is necessary yo get you to orgasm? Is he lazy in bed? Have you orgasmed with others?

 

I would think this type of response would could from a a 23-year-old, not a 55-year-old man!

 

No, he didn't. He vented a sexual frustration he has because it makes him feel like less of a man. It's something he can do with past partners but not her and it hurts his ego.

 

There was no implication that it's her fault and as pathetic as it is to feel the way he does, imo, it's equally pathetic to let his venting hurt you so much. He's just talking. Maybe he could've said it better but he's not implying in any way that the issue is due to anything with her. He enjoys having sex with her, but he wants to make her cum.

 

I am wanting to know if he gets you off in other ways though, TC.

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Studies show that up to 75 percent of women do not orgasm by vaginal intercourse alone and without some additional aid or stimulation.

 

Your boyfriend is niave and needlessly psyching you out. If this isn't turned around, you'll both pay for it.

 

Besides comparing you to ex's and causing you to feel inadequate, when you're not, is just hurtful and not very smart.

 

Moving the goal post so you'll never be successful is hurtful too.

 

Tell him to do his homework.

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Don't pry anymore about his sexual past and resist the urge to divulge everything about yours. Know when enough is enough and draw the line there. Discretion is always a good thing. You're both already approaching from places and points of view that disagree with each other and you both seem insulted and upset. He feels inadequate but so do you. Stop it right there and don't instigate each other further.

 

When you've both cooled off, come back to the conversation without implying either of you are less than and avoid judgments that imply someone's partners' might have been faking anything. It's not fair to either of you if you're devaluing each others' experiences. Turn the conversation instead on how you both might work together if you want to explore more about what turns each of you on.

 

If you do sense hostility and resentment coming from him in the way you approach sex or orgasms, end it right there. You do not have to be around someone who devalues you or the way you choose to enjoy or use your body. Use your discretion and don't fight about things like this. It's not worth it, imho. Be respectful of each others' viewpoints.

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No, he didn't. He vented a sexual frustration he has because it makes him feel like less of a man. It's something he can do with past partners but not her and it hurts his ego.

 

There was no implication that it's her fault and as pathetic as it is to feel the way he does, imo, it's equally pathetic to let his venting hurt you so much. He's just talking. Maybe he could've said it better but he's not implying in any way that the issue is due to anything with her. He enjoys having sex with her, but he wants to make her cum.

 

I am wanting to know if he gets you off in other ways though, TC.

 

He also said that "it has always been a problem for him." So which is it? All of his previous partners were getting off, or there has been a history of complaints with his performance.

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He also said that "it has always been a problem for him." So which is it? All of his previous partners were getting off, or there has been a history of complaints with his performance.

 

The issue he has always had is with initiating the sex. Maybe reread the OP because you're making a lot of baseless assumptions.

 

To the TC, the irony of this whole issue is that you're both feeling bad for the same reason. You're both feeling inadequate for one reason or another. I think Rose nailed it and I would follow her advice.

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Does he "finish" all the time? Does he ever suffer from ED?

 

At 55 years old, his lack of eagerness to initiate might just reflect ageing and a reduced libido, though the fact that he brought up the orgasm thing could be a smoke screen for his own insecurities regarding his ability to satisfy a woman 11 years younger than him.

 

It might also just be his way of telling you that he would appreciate it if you showed some appreciation during intercourse. Yes it is an ego thing, but if most guys are honest, it is actually physically exciting and sexy when a woman appears to be visibly enjoying sex, which is why a lot of women will exaggerate how much they are enjoying it or even fake orgasms. Not that I am suggesting you should fake it, but if the sex is "great", why not be a bit more vocal about it if it strokes his ego and helps him enjoy sex more?

 

Finally you can show him what you like to reach orgasm without making a big deal of it. I had a partner who could only climax if she was on top, whereas I prefer to be in control myself... but instead of it becoming an issue, we just took turns doing what we enjoyed.

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The issue he has always had is with initiating the sex. Maybe reread the OP because you're making a lot of baseless assumptions.

 

To the TC, the irony of this whole issue is that you're both feeling bad for the same reason. You're both feeling inadequate for one reason or another. I think Rose nailed it and I would follow her advice.

 

Why are you getting so aggressive in your responses? Is this hitting home for you?

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He also said that "it has always been a problem for him." So which is it? All of his previous partners were getting off, or there has been a history of complaints with his performance.

 

You’re reading wrong. He said his past partners never have this problem with orgasms. But he did say he has always had a problem with initiating.

 

He is ALLOWED to have sexual preferences. No where does OP say he doesn’t give her orgasms other ways. I read it as he wants her to orgasm from penetration. Yes, some research is in order, but it’s possible she doesn’t even act like she enjoys it.

 

I never liked performing oral on my ex because he just sat there like a quiet sad fish. Turns out he loved it and wanted more!! Ok... then maybe act like it??

 

And he’s allowed to have a lower sex drive than OP.

 

AND!

 

They are BOTH allowed to have divergent sexual interests. That is the entire point of dating. To find out incompatabilities!

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It's interesting to me that you got angry at him for expressing that his libido isn't as strong as yours. Why anger? And do you think that may have felt like an attack to him?

I think maybe things have spiralled from there. He may not even mean these other things, maybe he's just reacting.

I mean, no one really wants to feel like they are being scolded for not wanting sex all the time when their partner does.

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You’re reading wrong. He said his past partners never have this problem with orgasms. But he did say he has always had a problem with initiating.

 

He is ALLOWED to have sexual preferences. No where does OP say he doesn’t give her orgasms other ways. I read it as he wants her to orgasm from penetration. Yes, some research is in order, but it’s possible she doesn’t even act like she enjoys it.

 

I never liked performing oral on my ex because he just sat there like a quiet sad fish. Turns out he loved it and wanted more!! Ok... then maybe act like it??

 

And he’s allowed to have a lower sex drive than OP.

 

AND!

 

They are BOTH allowed to have divergent sexual interests. That is the entire point of dating. To find out incompatabilities!

 

All I saw was her mention of penetration. "most women can't orgasm through penetration alone." and "I feel like if he's not satisfied sexually now it will only get worse, especially think he assumes every woman orgasms through penetration."

 

I never said anything about different sex drives. If you can find that in my posts, please show me. I said that she needs more stimulation if only penetration is involved.

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All I saw was her mention of penetration. "most women can't orgasm through penetration alone." and "I feel like if he's not satisfied sexually now it will only get worse, especially think he assumes every woman orgasms through penetration."

 

I never said anything about different sex drives. If you can find that in my posts, please show me. I said that she needs more stilton if only penetration is involved.

 

The first part was in response to you, the rest was in response to the post in general.

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