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Thread: She slept with someone while we were broken up

  1. #1

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    She slept with someone while we were broken up

    Hi guys, just need some advice.

    Long story short, my girlfriend (both 26) and I were together for 4 years and then we split 2 months ago, to be clear i instigated the break up and she put it as she didnt see it coming. she took it super hard and was highly stressed out, she took it was worse than i thought she would.
    We have just recently decided to talk and see whether we can try work things out using the help of counsellors.

    She then told me before she wants to get any help she needs me to know that she slept with an ex-boyfriend of her's 2 weeks after we split up.

    I know i broke up with her and we weren't together and she was free to do whatever she pleased, including have sex with someone new.
    When she told me I didn’t get mad at her at all, I was just devastated. I told her I wasn’t mad but that it just really hurt.
    She said she stopped halfway and went home and feels really upset about it and eveyrthing. she kept saying how she was hurt that i suddenly just dropped her and broke up with her and she didn't plan on it and was super drunk and things just happened. Now, i know things JUST dont happen! But i also do highly doubt she planned on it.

    It’s such a confusing position to be in because I know I can’t hold it against her since im the one who broke it off and we were 'technically' broken up, but my god does it sting. It feels like betrayal but it isnt. It feels like I meant nothing to her after 4 years of being together and just 2 weeks after breaking up. It just hurts and I don’t know what to do about it.

    Have any of you been in this situation before? How did you work through it? Is it even worth trying to work through it?

    I know I need to either call it quits and move on or let this go and be at peace with it. I know it won’t happen overnight and but I need advice.

    Thank You!

  2. #2
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    She was in shock and sad and turned to someone she probably knew would offer up some no-strings affection. It has nothing to do with how she felt about you, apart from trying to make herself feel desirable after you ended it. Break-ups can really send the broken-hearted on an emotional spiral. Why she chose to reveal this, I'm not sure, but here we are. Keep in mind she probably also asked herself if she meant nothing to you after 4 years, if this break-up was as unexpected (for her) as you describe. You're both probably struggling with the same feelings of insecurity now, but for different reasons.

    I wouldn't let this incident stop you two from reconciling, though. Take it as a tough lesson learned for you, but don't hold it against her. What would be a better use of your mental energy is to reflect on why you broke up with her in the first place, and why you are now trying to come back. What were the issues you felt couldn't be overcome? Have those things been discussed between you, and how will things be different moving forward?

  3. #3
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    I doubt you were as hurt as her, after you dumped her after a 4-year relationship.

    Did you expect her to to sit at home and wait for you to change your mind. Unbelievable! What an ego!

    She should be the one deciding if she can trust and forgive YOU.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-16-2019 at 02:38 PM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Wise words from MissCanuck.

    How anyone opts to cope with a breakup—be it drinking heavily or getting seriously into Buddhism, be it swearing off sex or having regrettable sex with an ex—has nothing, nothing to do with the person they've broken up with. In other words, her sleeping with an ex has nothing to do with you and really shouldn't be the thing that gets in the way of reconciliation. So just as you know she didn't mean "nothing" to you when you chose to end it, don't turn this into evidence that you meant "nothing" to her. To expect a woman to "honor" your history together through celibacy is just absurd.

    Yes, it stings. So do a million things in life. Stings fade. If this is too much of a sting for you right now—well, then you owe it to her, and yourself, to be clear about this. This should be something that isn't talked about at length, or again. You know, logically, it's not that big a deal—like, if your close buddy told you he did something similar after a relationship you wouldn't drag him over the coals. You'd get it. You can get this. If you can't "get it" and get back together—well, that's that.

    Have you pursued anything romantic over the past two months with anyone else? If so, even if it was just a text or a rightward swipe during a lonely night, I'd let that be a reminder of how this is nothing to get bent out of shape about.

    The place to put your energy now, as MissCanuck said, is whether reconciliation is really something you want and believe can happen. If someone having random sex during a breakup is the hiccup, I'd say there are much bigger issues on the path to reconciliation than a random night that occurred after a relationship ended.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I've known people who couldn't look past a thing like that. In the end, if both of you are better apart you'll discover that in the next few weeks. You shouldn't have to rationalize something you're not comfortable with. She shouldn't have to justify her actions to you either.

    Don't prolong this any further if you feel you cannot respect each other.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Who wanted to get back together? Unfortunately it sounds like there was a lot of conflict if you were just dating and talking about counselling. And now the conflicts are just extending into an on/off thing. Just cut the cord.
    Originally Posted by sam1234
    She then told me before she wants to get any help she needs me to know that she slept with an ex-boyfriend of her's 2 weeks after we split up.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Why did you break up with her in the first place? Is the reason no longer valid?

  9. #8

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    Hey guys,

    Thanks a lot for your input!
    That makes a lot of sense and i appreciate the female point of view and how she must be feeling when i broke up with her. (my guy friends are useless).
    I dont really want this to be the reason why we call it quits but I also dont want to get back together wihout moving past it because if i am not over it and this comes up again it will hurt us both even more. I cant just pretend to be over it before starting anythign up again.

    I reached out and asked whether she is willing to try solve this with counselling.

    One thing i was thinking is, do i just and move on? is the right way to go about this?
    We have talked about a lot of the issues and they have almost fully addressed all of them and i'm almost certain things will be different moving forward. we both have to make changes ofc.

    i have obvoiusly left out a lot of the details what lead me to break up with her in the first place but maybe me giving a few details would help.

    We've had a lot of intimacy issues over the years, the first year was completely fine as it is at the start, but after a while sex for her really started to hurt and she was quite uncomfortable with it so we stopped having sex about 2 years into the relationship. I never had an issue with not having sex, im completely fine with that. But any kind of intimacy was just non-exisitent and i started to feel unwanted, we did talk about it many times but things never got any better.
    I can fully accept losing attraction for someone and if that was the case it makes complete sense and we would have parted ways amicably. But she always maintained that she was reaaaally attracted to me and really wanted to be intimate just couldn't understand why she wasn't. I suggested taking help but she refused. We both put it down to her being stressed out about her work and being away from home in a new country etc.
    And then about a year ago she moved back home (different country) it was only meant to be for a few months but it dragged on and ended up being about a year.


    There are a lot of other issues of course not just intimacy which i also give a lot of importance to, the only reason i highlighted this one out is because of what happened after we split up. So the actual act i have no problem with at all. it's just


    Any further advice would be greatly appreciated.

  10. #9
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    Did she see her Gyno for the pain? Does she have Endometriosis?

    I can totally understand how you feel about the break up, and her sleeping with another. I can understand you feelings of betrayal. You should have included that in your opening. I would not have responded as I did.

  11. #10
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    I think you should move on. You have sacrificed a lot in the relationship. You should have intimacy and sex in your relationship; otherwise, you are simply friends.

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