Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 34

Thread: Healing When Youíre The One Who Left

  1. #1
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    273
    Gender
    Male

    Healing When Youíre The One Who Left

    Itís been my experience that leaving a relationship is so difficult whether youíre the dumper or dumpee, whether the relationship was toxic or healthy and whether or not you saw it coming.

    This one was no different. Iím on day 4 of leaving a great woman and what was a good relationship of about five years. Problem was I was beginning to really notice the age difference (her 49, me 42) and feel sexually unfulfilled due to a ďmedium distanceĒ situation that neither one of us was willing to move from (1.5 hour drive with no traffic.)

    I began seriously entertaining the idea of cheating and realized that I had to break it off because nobody deserves that. Especially somebody whoís trusted you so intimately.

    Her kids and I bonded a good deal over our time together. During the very sad, but calm and reasonable break up she expressed a desire for me to remain a friend and continue to interact with her two boys as a positive male influence in their lives. Iím all for it but we have both been NC for the past several days immediately after ďthe talk.Ē

    My gut is telling me to let her make that approach if she decides that she really would like for us to try to be friends, but Iím always open to your insight....what do you all suggest?

    Thanks for your comment!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,781
    I would not stay involved with her sons because it will be too confusing for them if/when you meet someone else and likely unfair when she meets someone else and then wants that new person to be important to them. Keep your distance IMO. I think you can be friends once there is little to no attraction, no interest in getting back together, you both have moved on plus your new partners, if any, are comfortable with it.

    I agree it is difficult to leave a long term relationship.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,335
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I would not stay involved with her sons because it will be too confusing for them if/when you meet someone else and likely unfair when she meets someone else and then wants that new person to be important to them. Keep your distance IMO. I think you can be friends once there is little to no attraction, no interest in getting back together, you both have moved on plus your new partners, if any, are comfortable with it.
    I agree entirely.

    I just don't think it's in the best interest of the kids, and it will likely only complicate her ability to move on from you, too.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Location
    NY
    Age
    59
    Posts
    389
    Gender
    Male
    Age difference is minimal! I can't believe that 7 years would have anything to do with this. And the distance - are you serious? 1 1/2 hours is really nothing. And how does that make her feel sexually unfulfilled? Does she want it every night of the week?

    I suspect there is some underlying reason here.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,639
    You made the right decision.

    I suggest that you go complete NC. You cannot be friends, and it is not in her kids best interest for you to stay in their lives. It is time to move on.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,836
    Gender
    Female
    I also think you made the right decision. It has more to do with the idea of cheating or realizing your needs aren't being fulfilled by your partner. I'd definitely encourage you to look into that a bit more and figure out what makes you happy, what you're looking for in an ideal partner. Revisit the notion that you aren't being fulfilled in ways that help you feel nourished or engaged in your relationship and how you can change your ideas or your perceptions or your choices so that you learn from this experience.

    The other issues (age and distance) just make the real problem of not feeling fulfilled or happy seem worse. It's up to you to decide what types of people you want in your life. It's not fair to either of you to place burdens or ongoing commitments. I'm speaking about ongoing relationships with her sons.

    If she's looking for a father figure for them, that's really an agreement that the both of you have to be comfortable with but I think what she's really doing is subversive and unhealthy. She's not letting go and she's looking for reasons to keep you in their lives to make up for her own inadequacies she may feel as a parent. She may even pity you and that you may be lonely without them. I hope that I am wrong in all this and that her heart is in the right place. Both of you will have to figure it out over the coming weeks. It may be a good idea in textbook format and a very bad idea in reality.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    185
    I don't really have any advice other than to offer sympathy to you both. Relationships that end where kids are involved are very difficult. My daughter still talks about my ex and her son at least once a week and its been nearly two years since we broke up. I was also a father figure to her son.

    I think its possible to maintain some type of relationship for the sake of the kids but it will eventually lead to the same point when one of you starts to date someone else. I think that the relationship with the kids would then fall apart and maybe be even more painful for you or your ex.

    Its just a sad situation all around. I hope you can find a path that offers peace to all of you.

    I am a bit surprised at the comment about age difference. In your 40s, it seems that that kind of age gap is minimal, particularly if you share the same values, commitments to family and work, etc. There was a larger age gap with my ex but she was in her late 20s and was a stereotypical millennial, for what that's worth. The gap was extremely noticeable but not as much in the beginning. It's when the going gets tough that maturity starts to reveal itself.

    Anyway, good luck man

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,377
    Out of respect to her, cease all contact including with her sons. Listen to your gut instincts because it's always right.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    273
    Gender
    Male
    Wow, thanks to each and every one of you for posting. Good stuff here!

    I can see Iím not popular for becoming very conscious of her age, and I will agree that could be interpreted as very shallow of me. Iím doing my best to be real with you guys, warts and all here. Iím definitely not perfect, just human. Itís something to be aware of moving forward for me to avoid leading anybody down a dead end street.

    There was another post that said an hour and a half drive is nothing, and though that may be true for you (i get it, it was true for me when the infatuation and rush of new love was upon us) it certainly did create an additional hurdle for seeing one another when I work full time and we are both single parents. She was fulfilled sexually with once or twice a month, I was not @camber. What I am taking away here is that my sex drive requires more frequent intimacy in my next relationship...I admired my recent ex so much I sacrificed my own sexual fulfillment to be with her, and it ended up hurting both of us. Bad move on my part.

    As far as her kids go, I am definitely not going to pursue any attempt to hold my place in their lives. Iím guessing after reading some of the comments that it probably will not come up again, but if she DOES bring it up I have some questions for her based on some of the thoughtful replies I got from you guys.

    Iím not a big believer in trying to be friends with exes (although my ex wife and I are very friend-LY, it was born from the necessity of co-parenting and we arenít hanging out together or sharing many personal details of our lives outside of kid-related stuff with one another.) If it somehow gets past the attraction and awkward post break up phase organically with my recent ex girlfriend I wonít be opposed, but Iím not actively going to steer in that direction.

    Thanks for listening and chiming in, I appreciate you guys!

  11. #10
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2018
    Posts
    185
    Also, I can't fault you for the commute. 1.5 hours each way sounds terrible. As a single parent and full time worker, time is so precious. I think its admirable that y'all kept that up for 5 years

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •