Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: Trouble moving on after very long relationship

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    1

    Trouble moving on after very long relationship

    Apologies as this is long:

    My ex and I started dating in highschool. This was mine and his first relationship and we were each other's first love. We were best friends for years during the time of our relationship and were even long distance for 4-5 years during which time we would meet 1-2 times every 6 weeks. We were very different (I was more of a academic and he was more of a free spirit). A few years into our relationship he decided to change career paths and become a music artist. This was very hard for me to support and it caused a toll on our relationship however we worked through it and I supported him. I ended up graduating and getting a really good job and was always embarrassed to tell people what my partner did when they would ask as I was used to being judged and hearing (so he's basically jobless and has no career or potential). I was also afraid of if my family would accept him. I found out that he had cheated on me a few years ago (made out with other women while drunk) while snooping through his phone. We broke up briefly but after his apology and realizing I couldn't live without him, I went back. We were happy again for a while but I was having trouble really forgiving him and so we had started to argue more frequently. Finally the arguing got so bad that I started to wonder why I was even with him (I was still young, 25 yrs old) and thought I am with a man who might not be the one. We had both never dated other people and had only been with each other for 7 years. After he came back from a long vacation, I gained the courage to end things thinking I needed to see what else is out there. However, I ended it through text as I knew I would never be able to go through with it in person. A month later I met a man who is my dream guy and is everything I felt like I ever wanted in a partner and future husband. He gives me more love then my ex ever did and always wants to spend time with me. We have been together for a year and have met each other's families and are discussing marriage.

    However, during this year I have spoken to my ex via text once every few months to see how he is doing (I was really worried about his mental health after I left him as we both were so dependent on each other and never thought we'd leave each other in a million years). We even had a phone conversation (as he admitted what hurt the most was breaking up via text) and we both cried it out and wished each other goodluck in life. This was before I was officially dating my current bf and he is aware that this took place. He is also aware of the brief conversations I have had with my ex and has been understanding that it is hard to let go of a person you basically grew up with and shaped the person you are today. My ex and I have been civil with each other and both wish we could remain friends as we have been each other's best friend for 7 years (and were friends before we became romantically involved). He is now also seeing someone that is more like him (artsy/confident/outgoing) and is happier than ever. I am genuinely very happy for him because I care for him deeply.

    However, something that is not sitting well with me is why does he cross my mind everyday (even when we go months without talking). We know eachother better than anyone else does. I do check his social media quite often. I know I don't want to be romantically involved with him again - I see now that the relationship was more one sided (me giving and him taking). After we broke up he also released a series of songs about me (some maybe written while we were together and others after the breakup). It's also important to note that he never really tried to get me back -maybe because he thinks I'm happier with my current bf or maybe because he's happier without me.

    The point where we are now is that I think it's best we do not have hopes of reconnecting in the future as friends. We are both very happy in our current relationships as we are with people that are more similar to ourselves.

    I think what's preventing me from moving on is that sometimes I still think that my ex is the one that got away (because we had amazing chemistry and would talk for hours even after 7 years together). I'm sure we both don't talk to our current partners (as openly and as long) the way we did with each other. Could there be any truth to this or am I just reminiscing about the past because I miss more simple times? I would still say that I love my ex a lot and that even though we haven't seen each other in 1.5 years and have maybe spoken for an hour (6ish times) throughout the year. Is this normal ? What can I do to fully close the door and move on ? I know I need to stop checking his social media to start but will I eventually forget him or was he my soulmate ?

    Any advice is appreciated!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    I Can See The Sun!
    Posts
    2,493
    Gender
    Male
    You’ll never fully forget him. That is impossible unless you get dementia or a lobotomy.... so don’t worry about that...And soulmate? Eh, I’ve had a few ‘soulmates’. That’s just my own opinion though*

    This video may or may not help but worth watching anyway just to see: [Register to see the link]

    One thought that I have is that when NC takes hold and we no longer interact with that person, our brain seems to have a way of romanticising or even idolising that person.

    NC can tend to turn that person into some mythical God like creature....when in reality you know they’re not.

    Ahh nostalgia. What a beeyatch you are lol

    You seem pretty happy with your new partner and life, but if you still believe your ex is ‘the one who got away’, perhaps deep down you’re not as happy as you think you are.

    Otherwise yes, if you continue on and also go TRUE NC, after a while you will come to peace with it. Might take some time though so be patient with yourself*

    Carus*

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    California
    Age
    43
    Posts
    291
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Carus
    You’ll never fully forget him. That is impossible unless you get dementia or a lobotomy.... so don’t worry about that...And soulmate? Eh, I’ve had a few ‘soulmates’. That’s just my own opinion though*

    This video may or may not help but worth watching anyway just to see: [Register to see the link]

    One thought that I have is that when NC takes hold and we no longer interact with that person, our brain seems to have a way of romanticising or even idolising that person.

    NC can tend to turn that person into some mythical God like creature....when in reality you know they’re not.

    Ahh nostalgia. What a beeyatch you are lol

    You seem pretty happy with your new partner and life, but if you still believe your ex is ‘the one who got away’, perhaps deep down you’re not as happy as you think you are.

    Otherwise yes, if you continue on and also go TRUE NC, after a while you will come to peace with it. Might take some time though so be patient with yourself*

    Carus*
    So well put

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Posts
    1
    Hi Sarah98,

    Just want to say I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time in your life.

    I agree with Carus on his opinion and think you should go NC.
    Be gentle on yourself too. 7+ years of knowing someone and being in a relationship for some of those years is a significant part of your life.
    I can only imagine the pain, confusion, anxiety, what-ifs and every emotion under the sun going through your head.
    As difficult as it is, try not to replay the what-ifs and scenarios in your head over an over again. Nothing good ever comes out of it.

    Going to give you a bit of tough love, but the harsh reality is that he is not the one. If he is or was the one, you would still be together...

    Sarah98 do you think you processed and grieved properly after the first breakup?

  5.  


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •